Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Premarital counselling

(3 Posts)
broome123 Wed 13-Apr-16 13:19:14

Myself and my fiancé are looking into having premarital counselling. I was wondering if anyone has done this and would recommend a counseller in London? We have a loving relationship but the wedding plans have been highly stressful for me with demands from his parents who are both separated and I feel that I am trying to make sure both of them are comfortable on the day. My family are smaller but very very close- my father has passed away and I feel sad he wont be there and my future father in law is a repressed individual who barely speaks to his children but here I am missing my father but having to please a man that I can barely say has fulfilled any fathering roles towards his own son apart from donating a sperm . Our families are vastly different - mine are very open and say what they think and chatty,hugging, affectionate and welcoming and we talk and are far more emotionally expressive with that comes not being scared of confrontation. My fiancé however comes from a divorced family who don't talk are very quiet , I feel they are repressed and they struggle to show any emotion or affection. I find this tough and have expressed this to my fiancé- he is very loving towards me however when he is in their presence I cant help noticing family traits coming out and these worry me.
I try to bring it up but for him I think he sees it some form of conflict to avoid. I think counselling will help I need to find a way of dealing with the fact his family are different and dealing with how to handle conflict better with my fiancé . I want this engagement period to be a happy one but it is slowly eroding any fun or enjoyment and I am feeling very wobbly regarding the future.
I have never gone to any counselling before but we both agree its a good idea but also worry that it doesn't cause more of a rift after reading such mixed reviews regarding relationship counselling so really hope to find a good counseller.
Many thanks.

MidnightVelvetthe5th Wed 13-Apr-16 14:30:21

Have the wedding you want & sod them, its not their day & they don't get to impose their own demands onto you! Plan the day you want with your fiance & they have to fit around that.

Going forwards, there's a couple of things you have said that worry me, I know all families are different but what do you mean when you say that when he's with them, family traits come out? Do you mean that he takes their side against you or that he merely becomes as quiet & reserved as them when in their company? Where does he stand in all this demanding they seem to be doing, is he able to say no to them?

The other thing is how you are making plans to deal with future conflict between you both. Have you never had an argument or disagreed? Why would you need to attend counselling to handle conflict between you, its a fairly frequent state of affairs between some couples! What happens when you disagree, what do you both do?

Sorry for all the questions smile listen to your instincts

broome123 Sun 24-Apr-16 16:36:15

Thanks for the reply. He doesn't take there side at all actually he just becomes more quiet and reserved like them so I see that avoidance in him. I don't notice it as much when its the two of us.
As for other conflict we haven't had a lot at all but little everyday squabbles which we have talked through and get through with ease- maybe I am worrying more that I should and want things to be perfect at such a time I don't know but sometimes I get frustrated with him not taking more of a lead particularly in this wedding organising. I never knew organising weddings was so stressful had I have known I would have just had a small private affair.
I think I just don't want my fiancé to be influenced my his family or turn out more like them. He agrees and it is more of a pleasant courteous relationship he has with them which obviously I want him to have rather than completely cutting them off.
I think his parents divorce has been dominating the planning although it was 20 years ago and I am getting bored of hearing their needs.
He agrees that they are annoying but doesn't want to rock the boat.


Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now