Just that....
I have recently left an abusive marriage, getting divorced, but it's still really messing with my head.
This post was triggered by another thread on here about a man claiming to not know his partner was asleep and going on to have sex with her, without her consent. A lot of the stuff about consent and what is required for a happy sexual experience really worried me. My ex used to constantly complain we didn't have sex, that we were abnormal, that 'everyone else' was having far more sex, that he had needs, that (by implication) there was something wrong with me because I didn't want sex. He would pester me, and the pestering was such a turn off that my libido slowly died. Then he would pester and then sulk when I "rejected" him, would get angry and storm off, would ask whether he could have sex with other people if I didn't want to, would say "I just don't understand why you don't want me" and make me feel like it was all my fault.
In the end, the only time I would have sex was because I couldn't stand the guilt, the pressure. I had a realisation one time when we were in the middle of sex and I was literally gritting my teeth to control the claustrophobia and panic that this was definitely NOT OK, but I think I minimised just how bad it was. Or maybe I'm being deluded again. He claims it was really nothing like i remember it, so maybe I've got it wrong.
So what I'm trying to get clear in my head is, if you're in a relationship, and you don't want to have sex, and you say "no", what is a normal reaction. Is it ok to be a bit put out? Is it ok to be huffy, grumpy, sulk at all? What is coercion? What are other people's experiences like because it seems like mine has been very messed up, and I can't seem to get my head straight at all. I have no concept of normality and ok-ness.
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What's a Normal reaction to someone saying "no" to sex?
19 replies
YetAnotherNC · 13/04/2016 11:00
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