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I need some help

(10 Posts)
JarethTheGoblinKing Wed 13-Apr-16 00:41:40

I've tried to name change, but can't remember my password, and I don't care any more.

I know I need to leave him. He's nasty, abusive, cruel. I'm just really struggling with the actual execution. How on earth do I do this?

SolidGoldBrass Wed 13-Apr-16 00:51:56

Phone Women's Aid: they can talk you through every step of the way and help you.

If he is kicking off tonight, assaulting you or children, call the police and press charges.

Friendlystories Wed 13-Apr-16 01:01:15

Are you safe now Jareth? If you're not then you call the police and have him removed or ask them to help ensure you can get to a place of safety, friends or relatives maybe? If you are safe for now we have time to talk about what exactly you're struggling with, is it the practicalities of how you leave or how to get yourself to the point where you can leave emotionally and psychologically?

JarethTheGoblinKing Wed 13-Apr-16 01:14:55

I'm safe. He's never hit me, his approach is more of the death by a thousand cuts method. I posted tonight because I just feel so low and alone. No end in sight, you know?

I can't say anything to him anymore without it being taken as some kind of insult. I complain about lack of help with the kids and it's 'a string of abuse'.

I have health issues, possible upcoming surgery that means I can't just leave at the moment. Not sure what I'm asking here. Just feel all on my own and don't know what to do

JarethTheGoblinKing Wed 13-Apr-16 01:24:34

I know it's not some big thing. I'm safe, kids are safe. But this has been going on for ages now. I just feel so sad and alone. I just... Oh I don't know. just not want to feel like everyone hates me

Friendlystories Wed 13-Apr-16 01:44:11

It is a big thing, from what you've said I don't blame you for feeling sad and alone and the fact that you're not in immediate danger doesn't make your unhappiness any less important. It sounds like you need a long term plan, light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. Is leaving him definitely what you ultimately want to do? If it is there's lots you can do to prepare the ground, finding out where you stand legally (are you married?) what your housing options would be etc and just knowing you're doing something might help you feel less 'stuck'.

Kr1stina Wed 13-Apr-16 05:27:21

And it's OK to ask for support and help here, even if you aren't ready to leave yet .

nicenewdusters Wed 13-Apr-16 09:15:41

My advice would be to checkout and disengage emotionally from the relationship. Start thinking that he is not your future.

You can't leave just now, but knowing that this is the aim will hopefully make you feel stronger. I left after a year of disengaging, and it was easier to cope with all the practical stuff as I'd already started to sort out how I felt about him in my mind. It also made me feel more in control.

JarethTheGoblinKing Wed 13-Apr-16 09:24:35

Thank you for replying.

I do think I need to leave him, I just don't want to have to, and haven't managed to get myself to a point where I can actually make an exit plan. I keep trying but keep putting it off. Maybe I'm hoping things will get better? Thing is.. If I picture my future 10 years from now, he's not in it. I just don't know how to get out of my current situation.
Not married, but own the house, bit of equity, neither of us could afford to buy the other out. I just don't see how I can split with him, and still be able to afford to live

hellsbellsmelons Wed 13-Apr-16 09:45:19

Well then that is where you start.
Figure out how you can afford to live.
How much equity would it be?
Don't forget if you are main carer you may get more than 50%
Depending on what you earn you may be entitled to benefits.
Contact CAB and find out what you are entitled to.
He will also have to pay child support.
You may be better off than you think.

To plan your split call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
They can help you with all sorts. Local services, local solicitors who can help with dealing with abusers and they can help you with an exit plan.

Just start doing things to find a way out. Then that way out might well appear and actually be very appealing indeed!

You've got the point of the 'last straw'
Start to disengage.
Have you had the discussion about separating with him?
Not sure how feasible that is? It would depend on level of abuse.
WA first though - they can help you with everything.

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