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I've hurt him so badly. How can I help him through this?(16 Posts)
So I told DP of 2 years I wanted to break up. No DC.
This was 2 weeks ago and he is distraught. He has had to take time off work, he cannot eat or sleep. He won't contact me for a few days and then he'll be constantly phoning and messaging for hours begging me to change my mind. It is horrific to know how much I've hurt him.
I've tried to keep messaging him back minimal. We did speak in person a couple of days after it happened but I have said no to meeting up again as we are unable to talk without being emotional. I have clearly stated my reasons and that essentially I don't love him and as much as this is hurting him it wouldn't be fair to try again. I've suggested that he deletes me from facebook and we cut all contact but that makes him even more upset and he's insisting that we can try to be friends.
I don't know what to do now. Do I take a tough approach and block him on facebook and block his calls/emails? Or do I allow him to do what he thinks he needs to and continue to contact me so that he feels like hes said everything he needs to say? I think I know the answer to this - but is there anything I can say to him that will help?
You would actually be being kinder if you just cut all contact, all this messaging and meeting up is giving him hope, we all have had break ups, he should be grown up enough now to accept it; he can't force you to see him no matter how much he wants that, he needs to believe you and I think if you cut all contact it might start to sink in.
And it's not your job to help him - you two are over, end of.
The only thing that he feels would help would be you returning to him but obviously you cant do that.
Everything he is doing is to maintain some sort of contact with you.
He is not respecting your right to end the relationship.
Obviously this is very painful for him - and you. I dont imagine you're jumping for joy! But he needs to accept the relationship is over, grieve and move on and imo that is best done by him not talking with you during this period when he is still thinking he can somehow make you be with him again.
I would tell him that it is too soon to consider a friendship. That you both need space and it's best if he does not contact you for three months.
That gives him time to accept it. Gives you time to adjust and gives the emotion time to fade.
Im not saying that in 12 weeks you'll be mates. Clearly that wont happen. I just think that getting that time from him gives him time to calm down and accept you dont want to be with him.
If he wont respect your right to choose who you want to be with then there are things you can do.
You can't be friends. He's devastated your relationship has ended and will be forever hoping you change your mind. That's not fair on you or him and it will hold you both back from moving on. There's nothing that you can say to make him feel better. If you didn't live together and don't have children I'd say delete him off facebook, don't meet up in person again and keep the texts to a minimum courteous reply. My sister had a nightmare when her ex wouldn't accept it was over (coming into her work, phoning other family members to try get them to change her mind, nasty/abusive messages one minute and declarations of undying love the next). Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. X
As Jan45 said, cut off contact, will hurt in short term but much easier long term for him. All the meeting up, staying in contact will just give him false hope.
Summon up your inner bitch, gold plate her, rev her up and set her off:
Block him from ALL forms of communication, ALL OF THEM
Stop responding to any contact he may make around that ALL CONTACT
Stop thinking of him as a friend, a responsibility HE IS DEAD WEIGHT
Now, you may not like that woman, but you don't have to mimic her forever and she will provide you with some protection form your own emotions.
You have to stop accidentally giving him hope, sending mixed signals; you have to protect yourself from any emotional blackmail he may bring to bear; you have to stop feeling sorry and consider him negatively (like: How dare he think I would be interested in such a snivelling, weak man?) or you will only make his misery, and yours, far more prolonged.
As I said, you may not like that gold plated bitch, but she is a safer bet for you, emotionally, in the short term, and will help you get a more balanced, detatched perspective.
You can't. You dumped him, someone else has to support him. You can't do it.
It's not your job to support him. You've broken up. It's obviously sad that he's so upset but it is not your responsibility to fix him.
I would summon your inner this-woman-takes-no-shit and block him on everything. Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind and a clean break sounds best for everyone.
I've been there ( unfortunately on your ex's end ) and I can honestly say cutting contact is the kindest thing to do. He doesn't want to be your friend, he wants you to change your mind. Any act of kindness/support will be misconstrued and will convince him that you're still in love with him and then you'll have to do go through all this again and again.
It will hurt him like hell to begin with, but eventually he'll accept it and move on. It's like ripping off a plaster... hurts more to drag it out.
You have every right to end a relationship that isn't working out for you. I wouldn't do anything different to what you're already doing - it will only feed his belief that he may have a chance of winning you back. I don't think it's possible to go straight from being in a relationship to being 'friends' - if you want to do that, tell him to let the dust settle for a few weeks first and cut contact in the meantime.
Honestly, I was him a year ago. I had to get sleeping tablets to help me sleep, I lost a stone in a fortnight, I couldn't eat. I couldn't focus at work. It destroyed me.
I could not text him, but I obsessively checked my phone incase he text me. I lived for the moments he contacted me because I thought it meant he was changing his mind and thinking about me. It made me elated. And then every time, I crashed when I realised it hadn't changed.
The weeks felt very long, so even though it was only a few weeks, it took a while before I could do anything without remembering that I wasn't talking to him.
We got back together, and didn't go many days without speaking, in the end. Now we talk all the time again, but our reasons were different. Yours seem to be quite comprehensive, so you need to be the kind person here and stop giving him false hope. Block him, and let him move on. It's honestly the kindest thing you could do.
It sounds like everyone agrees here that the best thing to do is to block and delete him from everything. Do I warn him first? or just do it without explanation?
Well, while you are waiting for that gold plating to set you could send "Name: please stop contacting me. This is over. I will be blocking you from all forms of contact as of now. Goodbye"
... or similar. I am sure someone will come up with just the right thing.
I would text him something along the lines of "Hi X, I apologise for the hurt I've caused you but I think it's best we don't speak from now on. I wish you all the best." Then block and delete from everything. IMO it is a little harsh to just ignore with no warning.
He needs to go cold turkey on you. Block him & cease all contact. It's only been 2 years, he'll get over it
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