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Do dads that won't pay maintenance care about their children?

(256 Posts)
donners312 Tue 12-Apr-16 15:18:31

Just that really, I have posted a few times about my STBXH.

I would be interested if there is a way to see that men who won't pay do care and love their children as it is very hard to live with the fact that they really just don't seem to care?

ABetaDad1 Tue 12-Apr-16 15:23:55

They may care about their children but they do not see why they should support their ex wife if she is able to work. Especially if she got the house and the children as well as contributing the breakdown of the marriage.

This is why many men now refuse to marry or have children with any woman and hence many women in their 30s are desperate to find a man who will commit..

curren Tue 12-Apr-16 15:29:57

I think they do care. But can't separate their kids from their ex. They see it as supporting their ex rather than the kids.

They care more about about supporting the ex, than they do about supporting the kids.

I have known quite a few step mothers who feel the same. They See child support payments to their partners ex as their partner financially supporting the ex rather than supporting their kids.

I can't work out where this thinking comes from

Happyat40 Tue 12-Apr-16 15:30:17

Erm some do yes - of course they do.

The thing is that child support have never really taken the mothers earnings into account - or indeed the income that is/was going into the child's home.

corythatwas Tue 12-Apr-16 15:34:55

But why do they see it as supporting the ex? Surely the kind of maintenance paid by most men doesn't do more than pay for half the cost of keeping a child? Why do they think the wife should pay all the costs for the child if she is able to work? Why would they want the child to go without things because they felt its mother contributed to the breakdown of the marriage? None of this makes any sense.

OurBlanche Tue 12-Apr-16 15:35:44

Yes... but they have a weird disconnect between their hard earned cash and the need to hand it over to feed/clothe/house their kids.

DH has a friend who loves his kids, sees them every week, doesn't spoil them or play 'Disney Dad'. He is, on the face of it, a perfect example of how to show your kids that you love them even if your relationship with their mum has failed.

But we know, because he has told DH, that he has not and will not pay 'that bitch a single penny'. Why? He hates her so much that he does not want to see her benefit from his hard work, a single penny in her hand would be fatal poison to him. So he buys clothes, pays for school trips and all 'not house' expenses but won't pay a penny to his ex wife.

His back story is: they both worked full time, joint fiances, joint mortgage, he had a 'not affair', she threw him out, she is a total man hating bitch who stole his house, life and kids. He has to beg to see them, she is a total cow, he is joining 'that dad's group' to get help.

Her back story is: they both worked full time, joint mortgage, 2 kids, but he kept much of his wages back as 'he deserved a life'. That life included a few EAs and one probable full on affair. She found out, had enough and threw him out. Court gave him 50:50, she bought him out of the house. He sees the kids most days but doesn't have them to sleep over more than 2 nights a week but, because of the 50: 50, won't pay her a penny, ever!

But he does love his kids, they love him. It is only because she has a good job that she can keep the roof over their heads.

Yes, she is taking him back to court, which is why he spoke to DH about it. I know her as I used to work with her.

donners312 Tue 12-Apr-16 15:41:38

No it really doesn't make sense.

I can't believe some men get taken to court to get a measly 16% of their wages taken for maintenance.

I doubt there are any Mums looking after the children (what 80% of the time) who contribute 16% of their income towards the family and get to keep the remaining 84% for "me time"!!

Its criminal - I don't know how these men can hold their heads up and as for the ones spouting they won't pay a penny (like my STBXH) there are just no words!!

donners312 Tue 12-Apr-16 15:42:14

and good luck to your friend our blanche!!!!

Oswin Tue 12-Apr-16 15:42:22

I don't know about care about the children because some abusive idiots refuse to pay mainly as a weapon against the mother because she got the house etc as betadad has shown.

No matter what the motives it makes you scum. Dirty good for nothing bags of shite.

amarmai Tue 12-Apr-16 15:43:20

they care up to a point, but not enuf to put themselves and their uses for their money second to their children's needs for their money. Whether they are in a 'marriage' or divorced , this kind of man will always put himself first.

Oswin Tue 12-Apr-16 15:44:25

Abetadad is that what you think or are you just putting forward what some think.
Because it's pretty thick to think Maitenance is paying for the mother.
Why do men think because they don't live with the kids them the mothers are 100 percent responsible for costs.

Lethimbloodygrowup Tue 12-Apr-16 15:44:53

My brother was paying well over what he should of been paying, he reduced his payments because of money problems but was still paying more than he should, his ex hit the roof as she no longer could afford to pay her finance on her car, and she tried stoppibg him seeing his son, she is also married and lives a comfortable life, but his payments each month was just for the car!
If his son needed new shoes or new school uniform my brother would buy it no problems asked!

My personel opinion is, if your paying csa for your child and the ex partner doesnt really need that money for its purpose, then that money should be put into a savings acvount for that child!

Dont get me wrong there are ex partners who do need that csa payment for its intended use!

OrangesandLemonsNow Tue 12-Apr-16 15:47:56

My DSC mother pays nothing towards them. Never has.

I'm sure in her own way she maybe does care for them, but through her own doing has had no contact with them either for years.

donners312 Tue 12-Apr-16 15:57:10

thats terribly sad isn't it orangesandlemons? I know i said dads but i obviously meant mums as well.

lucky they have you!

daydreamnation Tue 12-Apr-16 16:06:23

My ex pays nothing for our two dc. He loves them very much, I don't doubt that but I think he justifies the lack of maintenance on our different financial situations. He is poor, hasn't had a holiday for years, has to live very frugally etc and although we're not rolling in it (dh and I) we have a nice lifestyle and can comfortably raise my dc without any help from him. It does make me sad at times, as I did go through a very tough patch as a single mum. These days I just choose not to think about it!

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Tue 12-Apr-16 16:09:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Essex81 Tue 12-Apr-16 16:12:48

No, some dads really don't care, despite what they say and pretend to the mother is a bitch. My ExP has given £76 for his 10 month son since September, despite earning up to £1500 a week cash in hand. He then lies about not working (he is self-employed and pays no tax) and signs no the dole. Now signed off since beginning of January so I don't even get the pathetic £7 a week. Luckily I earn I good money, but did have to return to work full time when he was 5 months old to be able to afford mortgage, bills, etc. He always said he wouldn't pay for his son and doesn't!! Has money to take me to court for access, even though he was offered it but it wasn't on his terms so didn't like it (him trying to control me as usual) and no he wasn't hands on before we broke up. He went to work on the day I came out of hospital and 6 days of being in there. Some dads and mothers use money as revenge, not realising its money for their child!! Phew, rant over.

Offred Tue 12-Apr-16 16:21:19

My xp loves his kids. I know that he loves them as much as he is able to.

What he is not capable of is care, selflessness, sacrifice or responsibility.

He's personality disordered and a child of an extremely toxic family.

Whether someone pays towards their children says nothing about whether they feel love for them or not.

Whether a parent feels love for a child or not says nothing about their ability to be a good or even reasonable parent to the child IMO.

Children need more than love or money. Loving a child whilst failing to care, to give, to take responsibility, to sacrifice in their interests in the most basic of ways makes you a failed parent so I guess I think you are asking the wrong question.

Feeling love is fairly unimportant, what makes a parent (and a lover for that matter) is how they show love.

Parents who do not want to pay child support are demonstrating selfishness and inadequate care for their children. They care for 'their' money more than they care for their children whether they feel love for them or not.

howtodowills Tue 12-Apr-16 16:46:07

The reason some people can't separate paying towards the kids and paying for the ex is because of situations like mine....

DP pays several hundred pounds a month to his exw (who has salary of circa £50k) herself). She is always spending on herself, nails, hair, clothes, hobbies etc and the kids walk around in cheaper than cheap clothes. We assumed she was saving for their futures with some of the money DP gives but no - she says she has nothing left to save (whilst taking herself and her DP away on trips frequently.)

That's why some dad's get irritated - cause their ex spends on herself and the kids miss out.

howtodowills Tue 12-Apr-16 16:47:35

She also told DP she couldn't afford new school uniform for the kids.

And then 2 weeks later went on a long weekend spa break abroad...

amarmai Tue 12-Apr-16 16:47:57

their needs /wants come first. Children need to be with a person who puts them first.

Happyat40 Tue 12-Apr-16 16:52:26

Howto ...

We had exactly that scenario. We were absolutely living on the bones of our bums and all the child maintainence was going on lavish foreign holidays, new people carriers etc etc.

I was literally unable to clothe our own DC at the time while DHs DC were flying off on foreign holidays 2-3 times a year.

howtodowills Tue 12-Apr-16 16:56:01

That sucks happy

Ours is a bit different in that all the benefit goes to DPs ex. She hasn't taken the kids away in years but goes away plenty herself. It's disgusting.

Causes problems for us as I put the maintenance I get for DS in his savings as I don't need it now (but might need for uni or help in the future) and DP wants us to also save OUR money for his DCs which I do understand but I feel irritated that his ex could be doing that as she doesn't need the money for them so instead spends it on herself.

Oswin Tue 12-Apr-16 16:58:58

Howtodowills it's a different thing though a man who doesn't pay can't use your situation as asbestos excuse.

lethimbloodygrowup why on earth do you think the Rp should be 100 percent responsible for the children if they can afford it!?.

Wtf?! So if the ex I'd poor pay for your kids if not fuck em???? shockhmm

ABetaDad1 Tue 12-Apr-16 16:59:05

Oswin and others. Just to make it clear I am very happily married with two children, never divorced.

What I said at the start of the the thread is what men have said to me. Indeed before I was married several older men warned me against the idea because 'she will divorce you and get everything'. Younger men now openly talk of refusing to have children or marry to ' stop ber getting my money through the CSA.

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