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First world relationship problem

(8 Posts)
itssillyiknow Tue 12-Apr-16 14:24:51

Please do be frank with me, I am prepared

I have been with bf for over 4 years, we don't live together because we are both divorced with dc, and well, we just decided it wasn't in the best interests of the dc and actually not what either of us want until they are left home (not that long now) I was in an abusive marriage and value my freedom very much, he too had a bad marriage with someone who appears to be a narcissist (there are many reasons I say this and it is not something he has claimed himself, I have come to that conclusion on my own).

So we see each other about 3-4 times a week, whenever one of us is child free and we do all meet and go away with all of the dc who all get along great.

In all of the 4 years I have been with him, he has never ever shown any 'side' to him. He is consistent, kind, thoughtful, communicates, and I really love him and he loves me and we tell each other every day.

But, something that should be good has happened and it has thrown me completely. He has just come into a lot of money, and I mean a lot, I mean so much money that he can live in luxury for the rest of his life. He had been very wealthy previously but the crash of 2008 had lost him lots of money and so all the time I have known him he has not been Very Wealthy.

And I am genuinely finding it hard. What else should be a good thing is that he is incredibly generous - wants to book amazing holidays (has), asks if there is anything I want, offers to do home improvements on my house. And I bloody hate it. It is really hard to explain. I work for myself and I work really really hard and have been through periods when I am pretty destitute but even still I hate it.

I may sound dramatic but it sort of triggers me back to my abusive marriage where there was financial abuse along with all the other abuse. I honestly just want my bf to be Standard Income right now.

He doesn't do anything to make me indebted to him, so I really know it is not him. He is just generous. He says "you are essentially my wife so of course I will want to spend it with you" but I am being a nob, and just feel incredibly uncomfortable with it all.

AIBU to hate someone spending money on me?

I really don't want this to sound like a stealth boast, I realise I should appreciate it, but would anyone else hate it too? Is it really just me?

Thank you for reading.

YANBU to hate it, esp given your history. But, please do try to get past it. Vent here. See a counsellor for a bit, whatever you need to hash this through. I think, if you give him too much grief for being "too rich" you may damage your relationship. And, even without the money, what you've described sounds like a keeper! smile

If you're really feeling insecure about him treating you, why not put aside money for yourself/up the amount that you do. For instance, if he paid for a repair to your home, why not put the equivalent amount you would have paid anyway into a savings account. Might make you feel a little more in control of your destiny. If that makes sense.

Cabrinha Tue 12-Apr-16 15:15:28

I'd find that really hard too!
The most important thing is to be honest with him about how you're feeling. I think based on what you've said, he'll respect your boundaries.
I think in your shoes I would accept money he spent on holidays - because he gains from that too, he wants to share that holiday with you.

But I would not let him pay for non essential home improvements. Fine is it's in a couple of years time to prepare your house for sale to get a better price. But not for day to day reasons of just fancying a new kitchen, iyswim.

If you need an essential repair and are short of money, then assess it as you would the other way round - would you do it for him? If yes, then accept it.

I earn more than my fiancé and I love treating him. There's no control to it. Where there is no underlying bad reason, money is just money - and it's lovely to be able to make someone happy with it.

Just continue to be able to finance your own life and home independently, accepting only 'treats'.

itssillyiknow Tue 12-Apr-16 15:54:41

Thank you both.

I have friends who just say "FFS just accept it" and i thought I was being a bit weird about it, so thank you for understanding.

We have up until now taken turns on everything - I get a meal, he gets the next one. I get the flights, he gets the hotel etc. And I want this pattern to remain to some extent. It's just hard that he can now afford mega hotels and mega meals, whereas on my turn he will have to put up with Wetherspoons and Travel Lodge.

We have spoken about it, but I am not sure I have totally set my comfort zone because I don't really know where it is. I think Cabrinha is there though - treats only. Non-essentials are just not even a consideration, they have to remain my domain.

God I am embarrassed this is such an inane problem, but as you said Preemptive, I don't want my demons to ruin a really good relationship

mumndad37 Tue 12-Apr-16 16:01:54

I have been in this exact situation, and I get it. For me, it was the unequal nature of the situation, even though he did not see it, and in the end I felt treated as the "little woman" if you know what I mean. Vacations together, yes!! But if you can pay for a few treats on that vacation, you will feel better about it, and if you can be in on the planning, and maybe tone down the smart hotels a bit, that may help. I'm not comfortable in hotels as I like my privacy more and they have so many staff around. In the end I did not marry my exbf, and partly for reasons due to the unequal money, so I would say there is a good reason you're careful. There may be other things underlying the inequality that you can't quite put your finger on yet....

mumndad37 Tue 12-Apr-16 16:03:03

Edit: That was supposed to say not in four star hotels...

Weeelll, actually, we're probably also saying "FFS, just accept it" too! grin But we also get that you need to work it through in your head, get to a place where you're OK with it, adjust your boundaries, if apropos.

I absolutely agree that you need to keep communicating with DP. Have you talked to him about this?

My suggestion earlier about saving money was based on what I would feel uncomfortable about, were this my situation. I might worry that I'd get used to living the good life and feel that would skew my judgement if I later on felt the relationship wasn't working for me. Or maybe that if he decided similar, I wouldn't be left in a worse condition because I'd become dependant on his generosity.

From what you describe, you don't have to worry about these, of course. smile.

But whatever your feeling are, they're valid feelings, and acknowledging them is the first step to working then through.

You'll be fine. smile

springydaffs Wed 13-Apr-16 00:42:49

I understand this up to a point. I have wealthy friends who insist on paying for everything... and it feels so uncomfortable. There's only so many ways you can say 'thank you. Thanks. Thanks you're so kind. Aw that's lovely, thanks'. the worst is, when I want offer to pay they say 'don't be silly, I'll get it!' I"M NOT BEING SILLY.

That said, I'm sooooo glad to hear he's generous! Reading your op I was expecting you to say he'd come into the megabucks and is tight with it.

I don't know what to suggest except you getting married so the money is pooled but I do understand the power imbalance - or what feels like a power imbalance. Money is powerful stuff!

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