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People who just stop speaking to me...

(6 Posts)
TakeItFromMe Tue 12-Apr-16 12:57:50

When I look back at my life I see a recurrent pattern of people who I think I am really close to who just stop speaking, with no final argument or any signs that it's about to happen.

It's a whole range of people - people we are 'couple' friends with, people I am friends with on my own, people who I deal with professionally, people I barely know (e.g. school mums, neighbours), ex-partners. They just stop contacting me and there's something just hanging in the air. So many times I've been the 'last one' to text/message/phone and sat waiting for a reply that never comes.

I don't think there's anything wrong with me. I don't think there's anything wrong with my husband (it's happened to us as a couple too). I think we're loyal friends, generous, fun and happy people.

Why do people do it. I get that sometimes it's a defence mechanism response from some people, but other times it's just rude and leaves me totally confused and doubting my own sanity and wondering if I'm a horrible person.

Does it happen to other people or is it just us? Have YOU ever done it and if so why?

Fastcargirl Tue 12-Apr-16 14:07:53

Ive had it and ive done it. At the moment I have a couple of people who, if I didnt contact them wont contact me. I dont think its anything personal, I do think it is often circumstantial. I have found that when I leave a job or move the friendships I had can lose energy and momentum because the things that kept them going are no longer there (shared work, common people etc) and the core interests have moved. The friendship wasnt deep enough to have it discussed, the energy just moved and the communication stopped. I tend to just accept it.
Ive done it twice, one was my ex manager and another was a so called friend who when I look back took every opportunity to undermine me.
I have also lost contact with people who I really like but times had changed.

amarmai Tue 12-Apr-16 17:00:41

if it is upsetting you , then the 'friendship' mattered more to you than to them. It has happened to me and i figured out why- a friend's d said something racist to my dd in my hearing and when i told the mother she cd not accept this as the truth . I have done it when i moved at a time of turmoil-3 deaths - and realised this 'friend' was always 'joking' at my expense.

duckyneedsaclean Tue 12-Apr-16 17:04:20

I've had it. I think most people have.

With me it was a couple of friends, our lives just went in different directions, I think.

wishiwasntme Tue 12-Apr-16 17:29:18

Happens to me all the time, no idea why as I think I'm a nice person; it's also happened to my DH and me with other couples. Again, we don't know why except maybe that we've stopped being 'useful' (same as when it happens to me). Haven't done it myself, I hate not knowing why, so I wouldn't do that to someone else. Sorry I can't be of much help, but you're not alone.

marzipanmaggie Tue 12-Apr-16 21:42:17

I think people can inadvertently put quite a lot of pressure on friends by expecting them to continue the same pace of friendships when circumstances change.

When people move house/job etc friendships are harder to sustain. To some extent you have to accept that. It's never going to be possible to maintain the same level of contact that you had when you were seeing someone daily if they have moved half way across the UK. I think quite often we put friends off by expecting them to maintain that same level of contact artificially, long after it has been practical to do so.

One of the most important life lessons I've learned is to let people go and let them come back to you on their own terms. Nothing kills a relationship -- friend or romantic relationship -- quicker than expectation and entitlement. Learning to allow friendships the natural ability to come and go is one of the hardest, and most important things in life.

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