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dealing with a manipulator - recommendations please

(9 Posts)
FlounderingWildly Tue 12-Apr-16 11:51:23

I'm a bit of a people pleaser and H is quite a manipulator. I have had some very good advice on these boards recently which I am currently slowly putting into a coherent plan however in the meantime is there any books or articles anyone can recommend to me on dealing with a manipulative partner or to help me to articulate myself?
H is very good with words and sometimes I find myself doing things without even realising I've been manipulated into it until I'm nearly done. I find talking and arguing with him very difficult as he turns everything back on me. I need to learn to assert myself with him as much as possible. Thanks in advance for anything you can suggest.

ImperialBlether Tue 12-Apr-16 11:54:45

Are you sure you want to continue a relationship with him? I know people who are like this and it's easy to think you're going mad when you talk to them. I would hate to live with someone who was like that.

I think it's the sort of thing they learn very young, so he's unlikely to change just because you want him to.

FlounderingWildly Tue 12-Apr-16 11:58:34

In the long term no probably not. However my circumstances mean I may have to wait between a year and 18 months to instigate anything as we are currently living abroad and I want to come home (we are due to next summer). We are both british btw.
I am also seeking a little legal advice to see exactly where I stand but I think I want to learn some psychology in order to help myself in the mean time if that makes sense?

CommonBurdock Tue 12-Apr-16 12:27:31

Hi Floundering, I was on your other thread. Don't worry I'm not a stalker.

When I had counselling for dealing with the X, she gave me a couple of phrases that came in very useful.

"That's your opinion. It's not mine" and "That's how you see things. It's not how I see them".

Basically as a starting point for establishing your boundaries.

Keep the conversations very short and to the point.

Good luck with your situation.

FlounderingWildly Tue 12-Apr-16 12:43:51

Thanks common those are really interesting. Short and to the point. He is very good at talking to people and getting what he wants as he has to do it for a living (as did his dad albeit in a different type of job) as he runs a big international team at work.
Maybe I should be reading some people management books grin

Aussiemum78 Tue 12-Apr-16 14:06:38

Try not to argue, change the subject or act disinterested, even if you are fuming.


Google narcissist and see if he fits.

bibliomania Tue 12-Apr-16 14:31:49

- Negotiate as little as possible. Just try to quietly get on with the essentials without relying on him.

- If he's spoiling for a "win", throw in a misdirection, eg. make out you really, really want something that you don't really care about, so he can manipulate you out of that. Can be used to distract his attention from something you actually do care about.

- Keep a record so you're clear in your own head. I found a diary useful (my handwriting is illegible so I wasn't worried about ex finding it). Write down the outcome you want beforehand. Afterwards, write down the outcome you got. Study his technique.

- Don't bother arguing.

- Cultivate cynical amusement. Never expect him to do the right thing, and amuse yourself by guessing what kind of spanner he'll throw into the works (try a search of "fuckwit bingo" on here)

- It's freeing to realise that you'll never win with him and that he won't play fair. Manage your own expectations.

squishee Tue 12-Apr-16 14:59:52

- Respond to any shitty comments with "Whatever" or "If you say so".

- Unpick the motivation behind said shitty comments without taking them to heart. Instead ask him "Why did you say that?"

- Don't waste your time trying to appease him. That's exhausting.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 12-Apr-16 15:16:13

I think I would start to detach and be very PA
'Absolutely dear'
'If you say so' <don't look up carry on doing what ever you were doing>
'Oh I see, so that is your opinion? OK'
'If you think you are right then that's good'
'Well it doesn't really matter what I think so you carry on'
And so on and so forth!
If it does escalate then walk away. Out of the house if possible.

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