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Does Marriage Counselling Work? LONG

(3 Posts)
Lurkingturtle Tue 12-Apr-16 11:07:53

Just that really. I've name changed.

DH and I have a few problems.

The main one, which has now come to a head, is that he lies all the time. I have been putting up with it for a while as they were small lies; I didn't finish work till late, the traffic was bad, the shop was sold out etc when actually he has just been suiting himself or not bothering to go to the shop. I thought he wouldn't lie to me about anything big...but I was wrong

He got caught drink driving a few years ago. It was horrid and I was totally ashamed but he had never done it before, was really apologetic and he ended up getting banned for a year and a half so I thought well everyone makes mistakes, got over it, we got through the ban and he got his licence back nearly a year and a half ago.

We live near a pub (literally 5 minutes walk) and sometimes he goes in after work to watch football, meet his mates etc. Most of the time he will come home first and then walk down but if he's running late he will just go straight there. Recently his car has been outside in the morning and I've thought I didn't hear/see it getting dropped off.

Couldn't be sure though so didn't say anything until the other morning when I had made a point of checking that his car wasn't outside at 23:00 when I went to bed. Sure enough the next morning it was outside our house so I went mad.

He denied it and denied it and denied it and said he had dropped it off, then changed his story and said he moved it first thing in the morning etc.

It was awful to hear as I knew that he was just lying blatently to me, swearing on the kids lives, telling me I was wrong and being a lying pathetic man child.

I have completely lost all respect for him right now, not only for drink driving AGAIN which is abhorrant but also for lying to me and it has made me think of how often he lies to me and how I don't trust him anymore.

So as not to drip feed I also caught him having cybersex with some woman once, he swore that it was just once, only online and he hasn't done it since (this I believe as he doesnt hide his phone or Ipad from me) but I am now thinking that maybe it was physical and he just lied to me as he clearly has no qualms about doing so.

We are both bad arguers with quick tempers and vicious tongues so any discussion rapidly deteriorates into a slanging match so at the moment I am just ignoring him which is not sustainable obviously.

I can't bear the thought of our little boys (5 and 3.5) being without either of us for periods of time. Also I am the main earner and his work is much more flexible so I do worry about custody if we do split up

This makes him sound like such a shit but he is a great father, works hard and we do get on a lot of the time so I'm wondering if marriage counselling can make things better.

Sorry for the essay

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 12-Apr-16 11:29:11

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Is this really the relationship model you want to show your children?. No it is not. There is no respect and I doubt very much that you trust him at all either. Without those things there is no relationship.

You have no respect for him which is not surprising really given that their dad is a consummate liar, cheats on you and has convictions for drink driving yet you still call him a great father. He is not a great husband is he?. Staying for your children is never a good idea. They in the long run are not going to say "thanks mum" for staying with someone like him, they will perhaps wonder of you why you put him before them. All your current worries re access are things that you must now address through legal advice. Do you really think also that he will really pay much if any attention to his children after divorce?.

Why do you describe him as a great father; women in such situations usually write such guff when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. As is the case here.

Lets get one thing straight. He is NOT a great husband or for that matter father to his children if he is treating you and by turn his children like this. How often do you really get along well?. Hardly ever I would think.

What if he refuses marriage counselling?. Would you then go on your own?. I would certainly have counselling on your own to also work out why you have put up with this for so long. What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.

Jan45 Tue 12-Apr-16 17:43:52

Christ, sorry but what an arsehole, he has no respect for you, no respect for others clearly that he thinks it's ok to get drunk and drive, and all this after being caught and banned, sorry but I'd nave zero respect for him either, he sounds like an idiot.

Great father he is not, he should provide for his children and he should be good to them, that's basic and and a given.

You don't sound like him at all and I think you are probably limping along for the kids sake.

Tbh, I'd get out if I was you, you've put up with enough.

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