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How to convince DH that we should have a baby after miscarriage

(23 Posts)
chelle792 Mon 11-Apr-16 20:22:43

Argh, the title of my thread sounds awful. I had a miscarriage in September at 11.5 weeks, it rocked us to the core. We nearly cancelled our wedding in Nov as we really weren't feeling like a celebration. DH was over the moon when I got pregnant. He was so excited to be a daddy and would have been just amazing.

We are in a much better place now. Things are going well. He keeps setting time limits/goals, we can't ttc until the due date has passed, the bathroom has been refusbished, until June, etc.

At the moment I just feel like it will never happen. Time is on my side, I'll be 30 next year but I kind of just want to crack on with starting a family.

I understand that he's scared it'll happen again. The grief was awful. He found it even harder than I did. But how can I convince him that we can't keep waiting for these time limits to pass? I hate just waiting, all he says is "now isn't the right time." I don't know how to help him get over the miscarriage and realise that we need to carry on i don't quite mean get over, it's not something i'll ever get over

I should have a squidgy three week old new born in my arms and am struggling to handle the arbitrary goal that changes every time we get there.

I'm hoping someone has some words of wisdom to either tell me to be patient or to convince DH

0hCrepe Mon 11-Apr-16 20:28:26

What contraception are you using? It might also be the pressure that's putting him off, the thought of doing it just to conceive. If you're on contraception maybe just say you're going to come off it anyway and see what happens but you won't go on about it sort of thing. More difficult if it's condoms though.

0hCrepe Mon 11-Apr-16 20:30:01

I'm sorry by the way. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 11.5 weeks too.

chelle792 Mon 11-Apr-16 20:45:51

Thankyou for your reply smile we only use condoms and last time I got pregnant really quickly. I don't ovulate often but always know when I am going to ovulate as I can feel it about a week before hand.

We don't use condoms during "safe" times, mainly just a couple of days before I'm due on as DH knows I'm not likely to be fertile then.

I don't mention the condom/lack of condom use so he makes his own decisions and judgments around that and is pretty clued in with my cycle weird man blush

He's pretty careful to make sure he uses protection, I don't think he wants an accident. I've been wondering whether we might end up having a 'happy accident' that's not really an accident at all!!

I was 5 days late last month and he kept saying "I don't want to think about it or get my hopes up because I'll be disappointed if you're not pregnant so I'm just going to say you're not"

0hCrepe Mon 11-Apr-16 20:52:08

That's an odd thing to say if he wants to prevent pregnancy, like he wants it to happen even with condoms. He clearly does, but is just very emotional about it. Really frustrating for you!

chelle792 Mon 11-Apr-16 20:56:49

I know it's really annoying. He wants it but doesn't want it. Problem is, he's too stubborn to give in. He is adamant that he wants to get the bathroom done first but that's a big chunk of money to save up. I can't help but feel like it's an excuse and he just wants it to happen.

He can't change it if I do "accidentally" fall pregnant but if he's 'responsible' for the protection then I don't have much say in that.

He was gutted when AF arrived

Aussiebean Mon 11-Apr-16 21:25:48

I think you two need grief counselling. We were offered it when we went through it.

It's is understandable to be scared. I didn't relax my entire second pregnancy, so it really does blight the experience.
Talking to a grief counsellor may really help.

flowers for you.

WombOfOnesOwn Tue 12-Apr-16 00:45:21

Counseling to resolve his cognitive dissonance. Or, hell, since it seems like he really wants you to be pregnant as much as you do, advice I never give: holes in the condoms...

PerspicaciaTick Tue 12-Apr-16 01:10:45

As a couple, you have placed responsibility for deciding when to stop using contraception in his hands. He saw you go through terrible pain and grief, he also went through the same grief. I can understand that he might feel the weight of responsibility to choose a course of action which could lead to the same, devastating outcome. He can protect you from that pain by avoiding another pregnancy. It must be very frightening for him to think about deliberately (rather than accidentally) making you both so vulnerable again.
You need to talk, maybe with a qualified third party.

chelle792 Tue 12-Apr-16 06:51:27

Thankyou all for your responses. We started going to therapy together in Jan. It's been amazing, the best thing we've ever done.

I didn't really think about the responsibility on him. After my pity party post last night he made the choice to go without a condom! I asked him after if it was a purposeful decision, he said yes. I asked him whether he'd change his mind, he said no. I cried.

I will just quietly take my vitamins now and not mention it again.

neonrainbow Tue 12-Apr-16 07:05:28

He's messing with you for some reason. Having sex without a condom then saying he hasn't changed his mind? That's quite cruel. I think you need to tell him to stop setting little deadlines. Either that or he needs to just get on with it if that's what he truly wants. He's not being fair to you.

0hCrepe Tue 12-Apr-16 07:06:42

Yes it does seem he can't handle the responsibility of it possibly happening again but he's doing what he's doing so good luck.

chelle792 Tue 12-Apr-16 07:12:42

Sorry, I'll clarify.I meant change his mind about not using condoms. It seems last night he randomly decided to ditch them and that's his final decision.

On second thoughts I might clarify this morning

StinkyMcgrinky Tue 12-Apr-16 07:16:52

I'm so sorry for your loss OP flowers

It's such a tough situation but PPs are right that he currently has all the power. You've been through a hell of a lot and seem to now be a stronger 'team' because of it but this is one area where the balance is firmly in his favour. When my DH and I suffered a loss at 10 weeks he was very reluctant to try again and when we finally got down to honestly discussing it he admitted he was trying to protect me. He said not only was he heartbroken due to the loss but having to see me go through it without being able to do anything to help was dreadful. I'm not saying that your DH is thinking along similar lines but this has never occurred to me when we were struggling.

We have gone on to have our son but we still remember the due date every year (May 8th smile) so it's never forgotten or swept under the rug.

I hope things work out OP, I have my fingers firmly crossed for you

chelle792 Tue 12-Apr-16 07:25:53

You're right, he would hate to put me through that again. I think he feels responsible for it all somehow.

I've just asked him whether last night was accidental or a final decision. His answer; we aren't actively ttc but start taking your vitamins and I'm ok with it.

I feel this thread has come at the right time but is a 360 turn now feels like one hell of a drip feed

0hCrepe Tue 12-Apr-16 12:25:41

That's great. I think a lot of men get intimidated by the woman talking about fertile dates etc so 'not actively trying' but still having sex regularly will have the same effect. Although if he knows your cycle he'll know anyway. Good luck!

chelle792 Tue 12-Apr-16 14:28:28

He's funny. I have no idea how he knows - he says my moods, my.body temperature, whether I want cuddles,.etc tell him.when I'm due, when I'm ovulating, etc. He's a bit of a weirdo stalker perceptive

chelle792 Tue 12-Apr-16 14:29:31

He went to see his best mate for the evening yesterday, I'm wondering if they had a chat about it. It is pretty much a 360 turn around in the space of about 2 hours

LeaLeander Tue 12-Apr-16 14:31:31

He sounds very ambivalent. Torn between aceding to your repeated requests and doing what feels right emotionally to him. Have you discussed any of this with your counselor?

I don't think I would feel right pushing someone into being an expectant parent if they were as conflicted as your husband sounds.

0hCrepe Tue 12-Apr-16 15:49:35

My dh did a 360 too. He said he didn't want anymore but didn't use contraception, I got pg and he was delighted! He definitely didn't like the whole 'trying' pressure so I just didn't mention it.

I don't think her dh is conflicted, I think he's just a bit scared about it all.

chelle792 Tue 12-Apr-16 17:01:28

I don't think he's ambivalent at all. He would love a family. He's just taken the miscarriage so much harder than I have.

I guess it is scary for hin

CommanderShepherd Tue 12-Apr-16 17:45:40

Maybe the 'not actively trying but not strictly preventing' is helping him right now. If you fall pregnant it's 'meant to be'
Sorry for your loss

chelle792 Tue 12-Apr-16 19:23:54

I think this is the way to go. Now I just need to stay chilled.about it

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