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I'm sure the advice would be not to do it

(35 Posts)
surbiton1961 Mon 11-Apr-16 16:22:29

I am in a relationship that isn't going brilliantly well right now, but I'm on the verge of making a decision about moving in with the man I've been in a close committed partnership with for almost a year. I know the common sense thing would be to absolutely not to do it, but I am not happy about where I am living and my boyfriend has a beautiful apartment that he needs financial help with, so me paying half the rent would help him out of a difficult situation and save me from finding my own place that would cost much more.
The reason the relationship is not going well is that I have discovered the extent of his money woes and it has changed the dynamic - not that he is not unkind or abusive in anyway, but rather instead of the equally solvent, successful man I thought he was it has become clear that is not the case at all. The moving in would work if I was only going to have to pay half the rent - that way, instead of paying all mine and half of his as I have been for the past few months, I'd sort of be quids in by only having to pay half on one apartment. On the other hand, if I do have to pay all of his and every other expense too, I am already feeling resentful. He's been supportive to me in my longish episide of depression lasting the past six months or so, so I'm questioning why I cant be equally generous with my money since it will help him out. But at our stage of life - we are in our 50s - I think that high earning potential is unlikely for him and so I am setting myself up for paying for him indefinitely. I wish it didn't boil down to money, but with all the other feelings swirling around, this is the one that comes to the surface most often. I don't want to be kept by him: I just wish he didn't need to be so supported by me.
I still rent my own place, but because of my depression, I have a real phobia about returning to it, so I have effectively been living with him for 5 months, just not moved anything in yet.

Cabrinha Mon 11-Apr-16 17:45:21

I was going to say why the fuck are you paying half his rent when I saw at the end that you're staying there now.
Still, bit much of him to be taking half his rent off you when you're still paying you're own. Bills yes as you're using his place, rent no.

In your 50s and said supporting it is fine to move in with someone on a see how it goes basis. You both rent, you change your mind, you move out and move on - no harm done.

No way would I be supplying this man though. He was managing somehow before you turned up. Fine to do something mutually beneficial early on - but not supporting him.

Use your cash on therapeutic support with regards to your depression and phobia - not on him.

Morasssassafras Mon 11-Apr-16 18:01:12

You've posted about this before haven't you?

I would not move in with him.

surbiton1961 Mon 11-Apr-16 18:33:11

Thanks for the responses. Yes, I have posted before. But my depressive state makes it so hard to come to any decision. Minute by minute I change my mind which is tearing me apart and I am not recovering from this mood. I know I love being at his place - and get huge comfort from being right at the ocean with a view that calms me. It's the only place that makes me feel happy and safe right now. This is the one thing I am sure about.

He only managed financially till now because the landlord who is very wealthy was generous enough to let the unpaid rent slide. He changed his mind about this at the beginning of the year and said the whole amount would need to be paid in future. Hence I have been paying whatever I needed to to keep him afloat.

And I agree Cabrinha, there needs to be no long term commitment. If I do decide I want to move back to the UK, or somewhere else altogether, I would be free to do that without having my own lease.

I just don't know why I feel so compromised about having to pay for him but I guess that aside from the money, it's the fact that dynamics of this relationship have changed so much. But of course I recognise and appreciate that I am hardly the fun-loving beach girl he first fell for. This depressive interlude hadn't started then. So I'm grateful to him for not pressuring me to have sex, or want to do anything very much. Emotionally I feel very disengaged by the whole thing because he's not motivated himself and therefore there's not much movitating me either.

I have seen a psychologist. Not much help really. I think I'm only one who can solve them. I feel sad about that and early read on the mental health board about people who do find relief and recovery from either medication or talking therapies. I just know that they have never worked for me. My 3-4 months of depression seem to lift spontaneously. But of course then they come back and its crushing.

This time there are lots of situational reasons for a depression too, so it is so hard to determine what to do. I actually lost a huge amount by leaving the UK for the USA. And even if I decide that it's the right thing to come back, i'ts always hard to go back. Plus there isn't a home to go back to - neither family/way of life, nor a property, so it would mean starting afresh and probably in a much less nice part of SW London than I was used to.

I'm just so muddled. The only thing I'm grateful for is that the alimony/property settlement gives me a certain amount of freedom. But I
do need to apply a certain amount of caution - hence not wanting to pay indefinitely for someone else.

haveacupoftea Mon 11-Apr-16 20:10:04

This isn't about money. It's about the fact that you don't really like or respect this guy. He doesn't seem particularly head over heels about you either.

So, be trapped in a meh relationship in a nice flat...

Or start out fresh and free in a smaller place but a place all of your own.

Every day women on these boards are dreaming of that little flat of their own when they realise theyre stuck in unhappy relstionships. Dont be one of them.

TheNaze73 Mon 11-Apr-16 20:30:34

I think you'll regret it. Your motivations sound all wrong to me & you could be bored in a nice place, with the wrong fella. Not even a year yet, also seems far too soon for me

daisychain01 Mon 11-Apr-16 20:42:21

Please think carefully before making further commitments to this man.

Consider the alternative which is to use the funds you are due to receive to set yourself up independently. Please don't pay his mortgage!

In your situation, why don't you still see him and have a relationship, but keep those finances absolutely separate. Forgive me for saying this, but don't let him use your fragile state of mind to his advantage.

So, in answer to your Title, it's a resounding No from me!

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard Mon 11-Apr-16 20:48:18

It's a recipe for disaster and if you were happy to proceed you wouldn't be raising the question here.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 11-Apr-16 20:48:45

Harsh, but... Do you think there's a certain element of you buying his support by paying towards his rent? If you didn't have any money how supportive might he be?

And how likely is it that you'll be paying for every other damned thing as soon as you let go of your other accommodation option? (My guess: very likely indeed.)

surbiton1961 Tue 12-Apr-16 00:26:28

Well.... he says he loves me and even if I don't move in he wants the relationship to work so he would figure something out. The thing is I am not desperate for his love since the depression is very numbing and I'm very withdrawn now (not my normal personality). But then of course I worry that I'd be incredibly lonely since I live in a place where I know very few people.

All I know is that for ease and simplicity, and because I don't like my own place, it would be good to move in with him and enjoy the ocean views and the sound of the waves. But I'm looking at this as a best accommodation rather than fantastic relationship plan. The relationship was fantastic at the start: I really thought I'd found my male counterpart, but we've really hit a bad patch. Having said that, there's a lot of honesty and tenderness about both our bad situations and we get along well. I hope love could come back into it - from my side - when I'm feeling well again.

I do hate the idea of paying for everything. I figured that if I pay no more than I do at the moment, I'm losing nothing except my independence - not that he curtails it in anyway, just that I won't have total exclusive possession of a home like I do in mine now. But I can't actually bear to be in mine, so its been a complete waste having it for the past few months.

I am conserving as much of the capital I have since I am not sure if I will want to move on or back to the UK at some point. I don't have any intention of paying for this indefinitely.

I know it sounds hopeless, but if all went to plan and he did pay his half of the rent, my share would be around $1000 per month, rather than the $4000 or so it would cost to move to an equally nice place. Plus there is very little property available too. So, if things worked out, it would be to my economic advantage too.

surbiton1961 Tue 12-Apr-16 00:27:13

And I didnt know how to highlight the names of people who posted, but thank you to you for doing so.

Isetan Tue 12-Apr-16 06:16:36

Is his financial woes due to him living above his means or poor budgeting? I would say don't do it until you understand the extent of his money problems and his plans to resolve them.

Cabrinha Tue 12-Apr-16 06:48:31

Why are you even talking about SW London if you find the coast so important to your mental well being?
Take your money and find a rental either in the US or the UK that suits you. Concentrate on YOU not on some man that needs you to bail him out.
After your subsequent posts I'm changing my advice.

annandale Tue 12-Apr-16 07:10:39

You do sound tangled up in the depression.

Is it definitely the sea that lifts your mood, or is he in fact a genuine emotional support to you? If you lived in your own flat by the sea, would that be better or worse?

LIZS Tue 12-Apr-16 07:27:37

He's got himself into a position of living a lifestyle he cannot financially support. That is not your problem nor your responsibility to bail him out. If you resent him now you will more so once he sees you as a gravy train to enable his spending and lack of thriftiness. His concept of love is skewed and based upon practicality not emotion., your depression is clouding your understanding of your relationship. That will do your MH no good at all. Find somewhere else to live, on your own, put your needs first and be independent of him.

Cabrinha Tue 12-Apr-16 07:48:35

Just read your other thread. Interesting that you see this man as a positive thing (for the support) yet this has been a 6 month bout of depression when your mood usually naturally lifts after 3-4.
I don't think he (or his beachside apartment) are helping as much as you think.
I also withdraw again my first advice of going for it, because that was based on you saying here 50:50 rent. Which is fair enough. But from your other thread, you're actually stung you'll pay all the rent if needed, then he'll make up for it in his flush months. If he had enough flush months, he wouldn't have got to the point where his understanding landlord had to put his foot down, would he?

Go rent your own beachside apartment (look for a cheaper location). Let him come over and date if you like. But make sure he's paying his own rent elsewhere. Then you'll know whether his emotional support is real.

But honestly, even if it is real... no relationship is ever guaranteed, so you need to work on being able to cope with your illness on your own. Like choosing your own housing that works for you, not relying on his.

tipsytrifle Tue 12-Apr-16 08:57:40

Is it possible that you're mixing up head/heart decisions? Have you considered that he might well be using you purely for finance? This relationship seems to be very young for such financial entanglement and commitment.

The tone of your post makes it sound like you have no other options apart from this or that. There are a million other options but moving in with him so soon really doesn't feel like the right thing to do. But that's easy for me as an outsider to say.

I think you should focus your life on you, not him - no matter how gorgeous the flat is. I'm not even sure I believe that his wealthy landlord has let him off the rent and then resumed asking for it to be paid in full. Did this happen when it seemed like you might be willing to offer more (and more and more) finance? Sorry to be asking awkward questions when you're looking for ways to feel better.

magoria Tue 12-Apr-16 09:06:32

His landlord has been letting the rent slide. He has finally had enough and wants his money. How many £1,000s is the landlord down?

How many times will you let it slide?

How many £1,000s will you be down if you do this before you say enough is enough?

You can see he already has a history of not paying and others bailing him or until they have had enough.

Don't be the next one.

Pay the same for a rental on your own and see what improvements he can make alone over the next year. Then make an informed decision.

FinallyHere Tue 12-Apr-16 09:10:28

A lovely apartment which he can only afford if the very wealthy landlord lets the rent slide, or he finds someone to go halves? What is his plan to support himself?

I am glad that your intuition is warning you about bailing this person out. It's a very good sign for your overall mental health that you are noticing this and aware that you would get to resent it more and more.

What are his plans for supporting himself? Is he busy investing in a project (writing a book, inventing something) which is expected to provide a return in future? What are the chances of this happening? Or is he looking for the next mug love of his life to bail him out.

Don't give away your power: don't tell yourself that you need a view of the ocean in order to function. You are doing well, you know there is something wrong here. You will do the right thing. All the best. xx

surbiton1961 Tue 12-Apr-16 16:28:05

Isetan - a bit of both I'm sure. Plus things always just about work out. My ex-husband was very conservative about money (not in a bad way, just never banking on consultancy income, etc until the job was done and invoiced and the money was actually in the bank.) This man is very different - believes that bids out for consideration are almost as good as having the job in hand. Which is crazy, because that hasn't always been the score. There is also no provision for retirement, nor healthcare (will have to go on Medicaid since he is an American). A real ostrich about the future I think. As I think I said upthread, I will to keep the majority of my finances separate, plus I do not know if I plan to live in the US forever anyway.

Cabrinha - I've stayed in Florida simply because I do not know what else to do or where to go. There are pros and cons to moving back to England and they - and everything else right now - seems to be clouded by money worries. I'm lso paraysed by indecision. A symptom of the depression I know, but also real since neither of the options is good, plus the original decision to become a trailing spouse and head over here with a husband who jettisoned me soon afterwards, was disastrous.

Tipsytrifle - I can't see many other options that will not end up costing more than I feel safe spending, bearing in mind I do not work and have to live on my alimony and settlement. Regardless of whether or not I was planning to move in, his landlord had decided at the beginning of the year that the whole amount of monthly rent should be paid from then on. In an ideal world that would have galvanized him into looking very hard for his own work or applying for jobs. However, being in his late 50s and although very good at what he does, I think he's not a very attractive option for an employer having operated his own business for so long. So truthfully I don't think he has many options.

FinallyHere - I think like Mr Micawber, he is always thinking something will turn up. That might have happened in the past, but it has caught up with him now. The only reason I am even considering doing this is because at first, of course, we believed we were in love snd compatible and could be happy living together - that bit seems to be in abeyance right now - but also because it made eocnomic sense for me too. It was silly paying rent on a property I didn't even use.

I'm well aware I haven't even said I love him either in real life or these posts. I'm just sad and resentful that all of this is coming to light. But having said that on the ther hand if things did work out, I coudl live with him, we could share expenses and both o us would be better of. Right now I do see it that he is the one who benefits, except that I am so unhappy in my own place and comparable properties (to his) are very expensive indeed and very rarely available anyway.

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 12-Apr-16 17:29:18

What happens if he gets evicted and you end up potless and homeless anyway

surbiton1961 Tue 12-Apr-16 18:34:07

That's not really a concern. He's unlikely to be evicted if I move in because I will pay the rent. Ideally just my half, but of course in reality and if he didn't get any work to cover his share, all of it because I don't want to be evicted. So he has me as a crutch or a safety net. That in itself both takes the worry off him and is demotivating.
God, this all seems so difficult to me. Might seem easier to someone not in this state, but with the depression indecisiveness and not wanting to bail someone out plus the relationship not being what it was due to this shift in dynamics, I am a wreck.

surbiton1961 Tue 12-Apr-16 18:36:03

That's not really a concern. He's unlikely to be evicted if I move in because I will pay the rent. Ideally just my half, but of course in reality and if he didn't get any work to cover his share, all of it because I don't want to be evicted. So he has me as a crutch or a safety net. That in itself both takes the worry off him and is demotivating.
God, this all seems so difficult to me. Might seem easier to someone not in this state, but with the depression indecisiveness and not wanting to bail someone out plus the relationship not being what it was due to this shift in dynamics, I am a wreck.

daisychain01 Tue 12-Apr-16 18:52:50

But having said that on the ther hand if things did work out, I coudl live with him, we could share expenses and both o us would be better of

Thats fin in a perfect world, but this chapp isnt going to share anything by the sounds of it.

Id get realistic if i were you, and work with definites. You can count on yourself and your own resources far more certainly than relying g on someone who may be nice but is pretty flakey in the finance department.

The lack of certainty surely isn't helping your anxiety levels or your sense of direction. Once you are on solid ground, you'll be able to see the future a bit clearer without things that you can't control clouding your vision.

surbiton1961 Tue 12-Apr-16 19:31:46

daisychain01 You are absolutely right about my anxiety levels and this lack of certaintly, but I seriously cannot decide what IS the solid ground. All I can hope for is to do what is the least worse scenario because I just don't believe there is a best one. I fluctuate between moving and staying put every single time the thought is in my head. To try and weigh up the pros and cons:

Pros to moving: beautiful apartment right on the beach, calming views and very good for my wellbeing (I think. At least right now). My depression makes me hate being anyway, but I feel happiest here.
If I only pay half the rent, I will be saving money
A relationship and everything that goes with it - companionship/someone to cook and eat with/sex when I'm in the mood again.
A kind man who is supportive to me in this depression (even though I guess he and I both think right now he might be adding to it)

Cons to moving
Possibly being forced to pay all the rent in which case it costs more than my existing place
All the admin that goes with changing addresses in the US and the physical effort of moving furniture, putting things in storage, etc
Not having 'a room of my own'. Or a whole place really. In some ways I've gotten used to livng alone now and I sometimes I prefer it when he's not around.
I'm finding him much more irritating now than I ever did.

Pros to staying
A reasonable rent
An established address
Not on the beach, but near it
Solitude and privacy when I want or need it. But recently I realise I am not looking after myself very well and it would be worse if I were alone from now on.

Cons to staying
I seem to have a real phobia to being in this place or at lest coming back to it when I've been at the other one.

Is agoraphobia or paralysis a proper symptom of depression? I really have great dfficulty - mental, not physical - either leaving his place when I do have to come back here to get something, or leaving here to go to his. Its almost as if I'm 'stuck' wherever I am.

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