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Messed-up situation with sibling - WWYD?

(11 Posts)
opiumeater Mon 11-Apr-16 13:15:27

Sorry, this is a complicated one, so you need a bit of background. I'll try to be as brief as I can.

My mother has a severe MH problem (depression + personality disorder) and my father is very weak and bullied by her. They had two kids, me and a slightly younger sibling. Parents raised us in classic golden child/scapegoat way. I've had to rough it since I was in my mid teens, my sibling can do no wrong and has lived at home until mid 30s.

As we have all become older, the golden child/parent thing between sibling and my mother has become more and more an act of exploitation by the golden child of my mother's willingness to help. My mother has become more vulnerable after having a series of life-threatening health problems over the last 15 years. Sibling protests MH issues as a legacy of trauma that happened 20 years ago prevent them from doing laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, and taking on other adult responsibilities. However, they have a socially responsible £35k job, a successful long term relationship, and an active social life.

A while back, it became obvious that my mother's MH and physical wellbeing was suffering quite badly as a result of the workload associated with looking after my adult sibling and associated stress (things like my mother was no longer able to watch what she wanted to watch on TV due to sibling's preferences). I felt that I really had to say something. So I had a brief, gentle exchange with my sibling about this, stating that I felt it was no longer healthy for either party to be cohabiting and that other arrangements really should to be made.

Sibling has cut me off completely since. I am not allowed to know anything about their life. I know for a fact that they have bought a very nice house in the interim (cash, no mortgage - money they saved while living at home), but I am not to be told about this. My family frequently withhold information like this as a way of maximising the hurt that can be caused to others, so while I do feel pained by it, I am used to this kind of behaviour. However, sibling only lives at this house at the weekend, and is still spending the rest of the week at my parents' house, having their washing, cooking, ironing done. So the workload for my mother has barely decreased.

I realise that in most situations, this would seem like a 'choice' but the MH issues that my mother has, and the twisted dynamics of the family more generally, mean it's not that straightforward.

WWYD in my shoes?

Tiggeryoubastard Mon 11-Apr-16 13:19:02

Butt out. Not your business really. It's up to your parents to stop it if they wish to. Maybe they don't wish to.

huskylover Mon 11-Apr-16 13:20:46

Go NC with sibling. Visit your Mum regularly (when sibling isn't there), and keep pointing out, that she shouldn't be doing all of these things for your sibling. That's all you can do really.

Finola1step Mon 11-Apr-16 13:21:41

I'm not in your shoes, but not far off.

In all honesty, there really isn't much you can do. If there is no physical violence, fraud or emotional abuse then it really is up yo them

You could call Age UK or your local vulnerable adult section of social services for advice.

Arfarfanarf Mon 11-Apr-16 13:29:24

I would just walk away from the lot of them and enjoy my own life with only those people who deserved to be in it.

I know that sounds harsh but that is honestly what I would do.

mamas12 Mon 11-Apr-16 13:36:54

How old are your parents? Do they have a social worker assigned to them or mental health team that you could have a confidential word with about this to offer a different perspective on their understanding of the situation ?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 11-Apr-16 13:49:26

I would walk away from all of them and not at all intervene or say anything; your comments will go unappreciated and they will likely verbally attack you for saying anything to disrupt their ongoing dysfunctional dynamic.

Your dad is weak and has acted as a bystander and enabler to your mother throughout (he has also needed someone like your mother to idolise). Your mother in turn has enabled the golden child sibling and now that worm has turned on her. Their own actions have caused that to happen (my MIL has a not too dissimilar enabling dynamic going on with her other son).

dustarr73 Mon 11-Apr-16 13:53:52

If your the scapegoat why would you bother trying to help the people who brought you down.Leave them too it,you will get no thanks.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 11-Apr-16 14:10:00

Totally agree to butting out.
Walk away and live your own life.
It will be hard as she is your mother but you can't help her.
So stop trying.

Dollius01 Mon 11-Apr-16 14:44:08

Your mother has brought this on herself. Leave her to it, you owe her nothing.

Lordamighty Mon 11-Apr-16 14:54:44

How old are your DPs? You can report it to social services if you are concerned. Elder abuse is becoming more common. In my area there is a publicised phone number to call. It is advertised in the local council information centre.

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