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I'm an awful wife.

(16 Posts)
Maryishere88 Mon 11-Apr-16 12:24:24

We are moving house today, I've locked myself in the bathroom crying, I don't want this. My dh is very kind and loving but he's terrible in bed and he loves watching porn even though I've told him it makes me feel shit. I think he's considered using an escort before too. We had sex this morning it lasts 3 mins and I cannot feel a thing I fake it every time he says it's amazing I honestly don't know what to say so I just agree. He's very emotionally withdrawn I told him I'm unhappy but he just pretends I didn't say it and carrys on as normal. He thinks I have no right to not trust him as he trusts me. I feel like a horrible person because he's so nice but I feel so miserable. I have Dc from previous break up and it's very hard so don't want to put youngest through that

Rarity75 Mon 11-Apr-16 12:28:23

You aren't an awful wife flowers

Rarity75 Mon 11-Apr-16 12:32:15

Sorry I got collared by a small child. Sex lasts 3 mins? Does that include any foreplay? The porn is a big issue. He is checking out of the intimate side of your marriage. That doesn't make him kind and loving, it makes him selfish.
Can you discuss it with him? Calmly explain how it makes you feel and suggest counselling maybe?

FredaMayor Mon 11-Apr-16 12:35:09

Stop beating yourself up, OP. H is ignoring your needs and using porn and sex workers to satisfy himself. That is selfish and untrustworthy in anyone's book. How is he 'nice'?

I think the stress of the move has brought you to a watershed. Look at the view on either side and decide where you want to be. You can choose, you know.

Maryishere88 Mon 11-Apr-16 12:38:04

We have spoken he says he doesn't use porn anymore but he does I see it, I can't understand how he can not think of me? I've been to counselling they said I'm depressed take pills but I won't. He refuses to go. Yeah foreplay is terrible he just jabs his fingers about and it's very uncomfortable. He really is loving a friendly he's like a good friend not a good lover I feel terrible saying that

Rarity75 Mon 11-Apr-16 12:42:14

Just jabs his fingers about? OP that sounds really grim. Has it always been like this between you sexually?

HandyWoman Mon 11-Apr-16 13:09:28

You aren't an awful wife, Op you're just very unhappy. That's understandable.

What's the situation with the house? Are you buying it or renting. Where is he while you are locked in the bathroom?

Can you go to a friend or relative's house?

Uncoping Mon 11-Apr-16 13:47:46

I can't help with much else, but I just wanted to say I know how you feel with the porn thing.
I was really uncomfortable with it too and always got told it had stopped when it hadn't - it contributed a lot to our break up.

You aren't an awful wife though, not at all. flowers

ElanoraHeights Mon 11-Apr-16 13:52:38

Someone who uses porn is not that nice. It would be a dealbreaker for me now. And he doesn't sound very loving or considerate in bed.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. It sounds like you are blaming yourself for everything and you really shouldn't. You've tried to address it too by going for counselling and he wouldn't go as well.

So sorry you are depressed but it sounds like there is one cause of it and no amount of antidepressants is going to make that/him go away.

Mishaps Mon 11-Apr-16 14:00:15

To quote from your post:

" he's so nice"
"he loves watching porn even though I've told him it makes me feel shit"

Now there is something about these two statements that doesn't quite tally.

I wouldn't give him house room. He sounds like a man who has no concept of what intimacy is about and is stuck in an adolescent view of sexuality. Not one to keep I feel.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 11-Apr-16 14:02:00

I think it's decision time for you.
You can live like this for the next 10-15-20-30 years!
Or you can make a decision to have a happy life, on your own or with someone who actually respects women and wants to satisfy his partner.

I have to say in your DH defence, if you don't tell him he can't possibly know.
Don't agree when he says it was good.
Your response to that is, 'well yeah, maybe for you. It takes me a lot more than 3 minutes though'
Stop faking it (if you are going to continue down this depressing road).
He needs to know he's shit in bed.
It's the porn that makes him shit in bed. He needs to realise and understand this!

JamesTiberiusKirk Mon 11-Apr-16 15:21:44

You haven't done anything wrong.

Whether porn usage in a healthy relationship is a good idea or not is another argument, but the only thing that matters is that him using it makes you feel awful. You have told him this and he has continued anyway. That speaks to a fundamental lack of respect.

Porn can be a great stimulant for a couple with a mutually rewarding sex life, but it is clear here that it has essentially replaced regular sex for your partner. The lack of effort put into foreplay is a good example of someone who seems to have given up.

None of this is your fault but I would echo the advice about no longer faking things - it just prolongs his "bubble" of kidding himself, and it also puts off a resolution, whatever that may be, that you are happy with.

An honest and rewarding sex life is one of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. It's time your partner realised this.

Jan45 Mon 11-Apr-16 15:43:41

He's so nice??? Are you actually serious, considering escorts, watches and prefers porn - why the hell are you with him, he sounds beyond normal.

Maryishere88 Tue 12-Apr-16 10:22:32

We are renting , moving to a big house with room for the kids. I suppose you're right he isn't that nice if he can do this. He seems really lazy in bed I do all the work, but I get nothing from him. I was convinced after last dc something must be wrong with me down there (do isn't the biggest I thought I must of stretched) looking back, he's always been terrible in bed and he's been awful to me very secretive, I guess I'm just so unsure about the future!

summerwinterton Tue 12-Apr-16 11:33:45

You can be certain of how your future will be if you stay with this excuse of a man!

Why would you tolerate this and then blame yourself too. How soul destroying for you. Don't you think you deserve better than this?

Smorgasboard Tue 12-Apr-16 12:37:47

He's always been terrible? I do wonder how people come to marry people who do terrible things, then years later, complain that things are still terrible?
After all this time, it's likely a choice of stay with what you have or vote with your feet. He's not going to magically turn into a person who cares whether he fulfills his partner in the bedroom, that's why an escort would suit him, that is why porn suits him, because he likes it to be just about him - ew!

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