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How can I help her?

(16 Posts)
Justaddmagic Mon 11-Apr-16 11:20:34

Dd (18) lives with her bf (36). She says he has never hit her but sometimes punches objects in front of her when they are arguing.

Twice in the last month he has prevented her from going out, once by inventing a reason why she had to wait in all day, and once by guilt tripping her into staying home with him.

He gives her ultimatums like "if you leave the house now you can never come back".

Dd seems to think that because he hasn't hit her it is not abuse.

Do you think this is an abusive relationship? How can I help her?

Uncoping Mon 11-Apr-16 11:26:30

It's emotionally abusive,
and right now you can't do anything to help her but remind her she has a place to sleep in your house if she ever needs it.

Situations like this are so difficult, it's so frustrating for you to watch her be in a relationship like this but you'll never convince her to leave unless she wants to herself!

Justaddmagic Mon 11-Apr-16 13:21:44

Thank you uncoping. It helps to know that I am not the only one who thinks that this is abuse, so it is not just me being overprotective. It is very frustrating. I want to kidnap her to get her away from him, but I know it wouldn't work. sad

goddessofsmallthings Mon 11-Apr-16 14:46:29

How long has your dd been living with this abusive and controlling man who is twice her age?

While she continues to be enamoured of him you can only assure her that your home is also her home and she can turn up on the doorstep any time, or call you at any hour of the day or night.

When/if she leaves him, I suggest you find your nearest Women's Aid service here and encourage your dd to enrol on the Freedom Programme. It occurs to me that she may benefit from reading 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft but, as it may not be wise for her to have this book in her home, you could perhaps buy the Kindle edition for her.

I would also suggest that you use this guide to invoke Clare's Law (domestic violence disclosure) which may reveal whether this man has a history of abusive behaviour:

The fact that he "punches objects" when he loses his temper/becomes frustrated, and has prevented her from going out on the two occasions that she has told you about, is cause to fear that his violent and controlling behaviour may escalate at any time. This, together with the difference in their respective ages, is more than sufficient reason to support your application.

There is no need for you tell your dd that you've requested a dvc in respect of her bf and you can rely on the police to use discretion should they feel it's necessary for them to make contact with her.

Justaddmagic Mon 11-Apr-16 16:59:42

Thank you goddess. She has lived with him for around 6 months but has been seeing him since she was 16 I think. They kept their relationship secret for some time.

I had never heard of Clare's law before, I will go to the police tomorrow.

She doesn't have a kindle unfortunately. I will get the book and suggest she reads it at my house, or at a friends house.

I keep reminding her that she has a home here.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 12-Apr-16 02:43:18

I'd be interested to know how you feel about the response you get to your request for a dvc.

Have you met this man as in entertained him in or out of your home and, if so, how did he come across to you? What do you know of his history? Has he been married or in a long term relationship at any time and does he have dc?

Has your dd told you whether he's always punched objects when they've argued, or is this a fairly recent development?

Does your dd socialise with her friends alone, or does she rarely go out without him? How often do you see her and do you spend any evenings together, either in your home or at the cinema/restaurant/pub etc?

Is your dd working or is she a student? Does he work and, if so, what does he do for a living?

Before you give the Lundy book to your dd I suggest you read it and ,without wishing to scare you, I suggest you take a look at the short video 'Rules of the Game' on this site:

It occurs to me that both you and your dd would gain from reading Pat Craven's book 'Living WIth The Dominator' - shop around and you should be able to pick it up for a modest sum. I've bought from this ebay seller on a number of occasions and can recommend their excellent service:

I feel for you, OP. At 18 your dd is legally an adult but, no matter how streetwise she may think she is, she's unlikely to have the maturity to end this relationship and get on with enjoying the remainder of her teenage years. Tell her that she hasn't kissed anywhere near enough frogs to determine whether this man's a prick prince and that there's no shame in admitting that what we thought was the best thing since sliced bread is nothing more than a mouldy crumb. wry smile

Justaddmagic Wed 13-Apr-16 00:30:20

Dd came round today and we had a very long talk. I called women's aid . She didn't want to speak to them herself but agreed that I could talk to them on her behalf while she stayed in the room and listened. We discussed what to do in an emergency, when to call the police etc. They confirmed that what he is doing to her is emotional abuse. She was surprised and a bit disbelieving when they said that she could go into the women's refuge if she decides to leave him.

I have met him several times before they were together. I instinctively was wary of him - something was definitely not right about him.

He has been married but I don't think it was a particularly long marriage, and seems to have had a lot of short relationships. 1 or 2 allegedly crazy exes. No children. Dd is unemployed but looking for a job, doesn't get out much. Losing touch with friends her own age. Comes round to see me about once a fortnight, he doesn't like her to come and see me too often.

I am very tired now after several hours of quite intense conversation, I will watch the video in the morning. I don't think I can take in anymore tonight.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Wed 13-Apr-16 00:37:24

Allegedly crazy exes. No surprises therehmm all.part of the script.

Punching objects is also classed as Domestic Violence (giving the victim reason to fear they may be subjected to violence).

Have a look at the definition of the new law on coercive control.

Well done on getting her to speak to WA OP.

Be patient with her and make it clear you are there, always, unconditionally.

Justaddmagic Wed 13-Apr-16 16:54:45

Thanks for the links goddess. That video is scary, and so accurate. I will look for a copy of the book, and try to show her the dominator/ mr right graphic next time I see her.

small eggs I wasn't surprised to hear about his "crazy ex". He has to discredit anyone who may try to warn her, doesn't he? I will look into coercive control.

Dd told me more about him last night and it all sounds coercive and controlling to me - threatening to kill himself, photos/videos of her that he has and won't delete. I have never seen her look so scared as she did when she told me about the video.

I went to the police station today to ask for the domestic violence disclosure. They were really sympathetic and are arranging a meeting for me with the domestic violence team.

Thank you both for your support and kind words. I really do appreciate it.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Wed 13-Apr-16 18:56:06

If he does anything with that video (assuming it is intimate) that too is illegal. (Revenge porn) Your dd is quite young? If it was taken when she was 18 or under and he distributes it in anyway I think that might count as child pornography offence. So he'd be well warned not to.

He's sounds like a grade a bastard.

Justaddmagic Wed 13-Apr-16 20:17:45

It is intimate. you are right, she was underage. I'll tell the dv team about it at my appointment.

rememberthetime Thu 14-Apr-16 07:42:50

She is so lucky to have you. I wish I had confided in my mum. .... She would have leapt to my aid too.

Justaddmagic Thu 14-Apr-16 11:21:22

The woman from the dv team has been round to fill in forms for the disclosure.
Can't get him on child porn offense as dd was 16 and consented. Been given more contact details for people dd could to speak to for support.

I think it could be a long time before she is willing to talk to anyone. He knows she has been talking to me and is trying to convince her that I am bitter, lying, just want to split them up etc.

He is indeed a grade A bastard.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Thu 14-Apr-16 18:26:34

You would I think be able to get him of her ever sent them or distributed them in anyway though. So if he does threaten to do that she can report it.
Also if he is ising them for blackmailing.

Glad someone came round

Justaddmagic Thu 14-Apr-16 19:10:41

Yes, he could be in trouble if he shared them or used them for blackmail, but only if dd chooses to report. They said she can contact them to plan how to leave him and reduce the risk of retaliation. I think it could be a long time before she is ready for that though sad

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Thu 14-Apr-16 20:06:17

Be patient. It may take her a while. as long as she knows you are always there that will help.

Now the idea os in her head she may start to see more clearly.

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