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Help, in a turmoil, need advice

(17 Posts)
Fuzzywig1 Mon 11-Apr-16 10:26:26

Sorry in advance as this is going to be a long one.

I have been married for 19 years, and with my husband for 24 years. he is a very kind, calm man and we used to be very good friends and have fun - though that is much less the case since we had the children. However, i have always felt that he took me for granted, not really felt that he loved me with any passion and to be honest he isn't that interested in sex. Way less than I am! I always used to say to him 'you love me like an old sock'.

For example he never tells me i look beautiful, even on our wedding day. I know he thought I did but he didnt say it. He says he loves me sometimes (once a week maybe). So we have a nice but settled relationship. We have 2 kids 11 and 7 who are adopted and my ds has quite a lot of emotional issues (doesnt like change, has low self esteem) but loves me and my husband a lot (but especially me, he has quite an intense neediness for me).

A few weeks ago i got an email from a very ex boyfriend saying he had seen me somewhere.

This boyfriend was my first love - he was younger than me and we split up when I was 21 and he was 19. It was a very very powerful relationship (with amazing sex that I have never had with anybody else) and we both felt at the beginning that we would be together forever (i know this sounds ridiculous given our ages but some people are). However then he went off to drama school and obviously decided the relationship was inhibiting his young self from enjoying what was on offer. So he ended it. Which really broke my heart and meant I never went into another relationship so open hearted and trusting.

he is married (he says happily but obviously in a settled way too) and has 2 kids and lives quite near me ( I had no idea about that). Also and weirdly he has seen me several times over the years, including on my wedding day which is a bit freaky (although I know it is just a random coincidence but as we live in London it does seem odd!)

After some catching up emails we met for a coffee and a walk and there was obviously this connection between us.

Since then there has been fairly constant communication, by phone and email and one more meeting where we had a drink and I did let him hold my hand (which I know sounds very very juvenile but was in fact incredibly intense).

He is saying things to me like, you are the most beautiful woman i have ever seen, i have never felt the same about anybody else, you are so funnny blah blah.

I know I shouldn't see him and just stop all communication but I am finding it so hard.

He is accelerating ahead in his mind and talking about outcomes. This totally scares me but at the same time he is saying to me 'you only have one life, this is so magical'.

I know what I would say to somebody else but I cannot take that advice.

I wrote him a long email this morning saying he needs to think and pointing out all the reasons it is a bad idea but then I hope he doesn't take any notice.

This is ridiculous, I am a grown up with a grown up job, not a teenager.

Rarity75 Mon 11-Apr-16 10:32:10

Read up on limerance. This is a fantasy because you are both bored. You are having an emotional affair and it probably will become physical if you carry on.
Go no contact and think about what you really want.

Buzzardbird Mon 11-Apr-16 10:33:42

Your poor husband.

Rarity75 Mon 11-Apr-16 10:38:11

I think relationships when you are younger are hormone charged. Exciting. And there is probably a fair amount of rose tinted glasses for you both. Don't forget he broke your heart. Probably to get his leg over at uni. Don't break your husbands heart unless you are sure on its own merit that your marriage is dead.
And do not continue with this OM until you have made that decision.

Joysmum Mon 11-Apr-16 10:40:26

If you aren't happy in your marriage, do your DH the courtesy of either trying to fix the marriage or ending it rather than having an emotional affair as you are. You must hate your DH to do this to him.

HandyWoman Mon 11-Apr-16 10:43:41

What Rarity said. Don't do this, OP.

pippistrelle Mon 11-Apr-16 10:45:15

It is ridiculous, I'm afraid. It's a fantasy about the sort of life you think you might have had with this man but in reality, it would be the sort of life where he thinks it's acceptable to pursue another woman - not really what you'd want, is it?

It's an escape from the humdrum and the demands of everyday life. Talk to your husband. Not about this man, but about how the two of you can improve your own relationship, and about where you can find some joie de vivre before you do irreparable damage to your family.

QuiteLikely5 Mon 11-Apr-16 10:51:02

Do things properly. End all contact with this other man and focus upon your marriage for the next few months, if it is not working out then think about calling time on it.

Do not call time on your marriage for another man it never Ends well and the impact on children, even older ones can wreak havoc with your own relationship with them and it just won't be worth it when in reality you could have done things properly or with more grace if that is the right word!

QuiteLikely5 Mon 11-Apr-16 10:52:15

That doesn't read right! So I meant don't leave whilst having an affair, end the affair first and only then leave if you are certain!

Clolan Mon 11-Apr-16 11:37:03

The grass always seems greener on the other side... I can sympathise as have been married for over 21 years and it does seem that I am taken for granted too. But think carefully about what you want as you are playing with fire - OM is obviously looking for some excitement in his life, don't be his plaything. Long term marriage does mean that there is little excitement left and it is normal to feel this way. I would say try and imagine your life if you carry on with OM which will end up leading to an affair and probably a lot of hurt and unhappiness for dh and your dc, and for you. If you love dh then talk to him, try and fix what you have as throwing away a 19 year marriage is not to be taken lightly

Uncoping Mon 11-Apr-16 11:43:42

As someone in the middle of a breakup from a "nice" and "settled" relationship...

Stop taking it for granted - the grass looks greener on the other side but believe me if you go chasing it you'll be left surrounded by dead weeds, brown grass & wondering why you were so stupid as to walk away from your perfectly average lime-green grass.

Limerance, look it up.

LisaRinnasLips Mon 11-Apr-16 13:18:18

The grass is always greener because it's fertilised with bullshit.

huskylover Mon 11-Apr-16 13:41:55

Tbh, many people can tell you not to fall headlong in to an affair with this man, but I think it's probably inevitable. You find your marriage boring and non-sexual, and here comes along this old flame, who you had great sex with and who is paying you attention.

Be aware though, that he might be a serial cheat, and just telling you what you want to hear, in order to get in to your knickers. If you left your DH, he might run for dust.

With that in mind, be very aware that you could leave your DH, break up your family, and end up alone at the end of it. If that is OK with you, then that may tell you all that you need to know.

PeppermintPasty Mon 11-Apr-16 13:47:53

I'm still a romantic old soul, despite being in no position to be so after all these years, but to be blunt, the first thing that came to mind when I read your OP was "He wants a shag and he's going all out to get it". I'd bet my children's teeth that's all it is and it will wither and die as soon as he's got what he wants.

Don't be a mug, and more importantly, don't make a mug out of your husband.

Fuzzywig1 Mon 11-Apr-16 15:07:56

I do not think he just wants a shag or only wants some excitement (though I have said to him why has he contacted me now seeing as he has seen me before though clearly a wedding wasnt the best option and the other time I had my baby with me). . he is quite wealthy and attractive and works in an industry where shags from much younger and attractive people are readily available.

I get a lot of unwanted male attention and am good at fending it off. I don't have affairs and neither does he.

I have felt not totally happy for a while but i do love my husband (and dont say you wouldnt be doing this if you did. I agree I wouldnt be doing this if the love was as strong as it was when we first married). Asking me to fix my marriage is very hard when my husband flat refuses to go to counselling and regards any conversation about anything important as me 'arguing' (i try very hard to talk about my feelings rather than his actions but he comes from a family where nothing was ever said about anything ever). So i just shut up.

If this was somebody I had just met i would feel entirely different and tell him to get lost.

But all these years there has been an underlying sadness and the realisation that nothing i felt with anybody else was ever the same. Which i told myself was becuase it was first love. And probably is. But i dont think it is limerence.

I am going to stop posting on this thread now though as i know what the right thing to do is, it is just whether I am strong enough to do it.

ALaughAMinute Mon 11-Apr-16 15:20:50

It sounds to me as if you're falling for the bullshit, of course he's only after a shag!

He's happily married FFS!

Leave him alone.

If you're not happy in your marriage, do something about it or get out.

HandyWoman Mon 11-Apr-16 15:41:03

You sound very blinkered.

This is the classic affair script - the ' BUT WE ARE SPECIAL' bollox.

And that will tip this into a physical affair.

Sounds very much to me like there is no stopping you...

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