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My relationship with my mother has completely broken down

(3 Posts)
monkeytree Mon 11-Apr-16 10:09:21

These forums are about the only place where I feel free to express my thoughts and feelings. I do have friends but I think they find it hard to understand completely (bar one) who has had similar issues with her own mother so I know I'm not completely alone in feeling this way.

I am a mum to two dd's who are 9 and 2 years old. I was told I was unlikely to have any more children but then I found out I was pregnant with third dc only to then go on and have a late miscarriage at 20 weeks in Feb 2015. My life has not been the same since. Apart from the devastation and perpetual feeling of loss I now have from losing my ds, other relationships changed and it was like the straw that broke the camels back.

I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother. My mother and father divorced 6 years ago and I took my mother under my wing (almost like I was a parent in this situation). My father had left my mother when she was very ill and had been abusive in the past, it was all very stressful and my dd1 was a baby at the time. Growing up, I have no memories of doing anything with my mum - not going to the park, shopping (apart from grocery shopping), activities - nothing. I have no memories of being praised, of being cuddled (because apparently I was an independent child who did not want to be cuddled) of my mum ever coming along to school assemblies or anything. I spent a lot of my childhood with my grandparents (whilst my mother worked - usually after school or at weekends). My mother spent some time on antidepressants. I was the eldest of three children and I think she found it hard to cope. Our relationship had dawdled on - a visit for a couple of hours every one to two weeks (usually me visiting her) and little involvement really in my dd's lives. I had pnd. both times whenthe girls were born and my mother would say you could do with getting out for a few hours - but never an offer to babysit so that I could go out. No support and this is how its always been. My mother and father lived above their means and my mother always wanted 'more' material things. My mother came out of her relationship very much the victim and complained how difficult my dad had been over the years. When I asked her why she had stayed with my dad for so long she said well there was always a new car on the drive - it appears for financial reasons, despite him being abusive towards us and very volatile with his temper.

Anyway, the mc was the straw that broke the camels back. My sister in law who has never visited me once in my own home, never encouraged my relationship with my brother and has alienated her own family gave birth to a little boy shortly before my mc. I found this hard to deal with, watching what could have been etc. My mother who can never keep private peoples thoughts and feelings would have relayed my inner most thoughts to them and I didn't want this to happen. She lives approx 500 metres away form them. I felt I had to protect myself so decided to just stay quiet for a couple of weeks following my mc. During this time my mother rang up and ranted down the phone at me - what had she done that I didn't want to speak to her...the phonecall was all about her - apart from her asking "have they found out what happened yet?" and she literally ended up shouting at me. I was really shaken from all of this having gone completely numb from the mc and ended up putting the phone down. Time elapsed and I didn't get back in touch - and neither did she. She did send the dd's a birthday card (with no message for me inside) but this all stopped when I didn't respond. No doubt she believes that she is the victim in all of this. Having her sob all over me about my loss and having to console her on the very day I had just found out about losing ds was not a good start (again I felt like the parent). She had also previously cut my other brother out of her life over a disagreement despite her saying at one point - he is still my son. He is not perfect but she did let him down badly and betrayed his confidence to others (over very private matters). He feels the same that he cant trust her and cant tell her things in confidence. She has never attempted to repair this relationship.

Usually, I just get on with life but sometimes it really hits me that I have a mother missing in my life. Not so much my own mother but more of loving mother figure I crave. I do feel a gap. I have no mother or father in my life, my children do not have grandparents (my dh's parents have both died). It's such a mess. I know I have been looking around for a substitute mother figure but to date have not been successful. I try to work hard with my relationships with my dd's but realise that this is not perfect either. My eldest dd tells me that she loves me and that I am the best mum ever but seems to have little respect for me (today she got irriate because I asked her to do something and dug her nails into my waist). I really feel like I have gone very wrong and a pattern of abuse seems to follow me. I ended up withdrawing from my dd and then saying "you have a mother, I dont have a mother at all". yes you do she replied. This left me thinking no I don't, where is she. I have no role model to guide me in bringing up my dd's and I've always tried to work really hard with this - giving my dd attention, taking her on outings (and neglecting the housework), having her friends around, tried to listen as much as I can etc. but when she does such a thing, I feel I have gone very wrong. I think I might be entering the menopause and this is not helping my mood either. There's another post about nurturing oneself, I think I will take another look at that. I do have counselling on a weekly basis which is very helpful. I have friends but they aren't always available to listen in the way I would like. One friend can relate to the fiery dd bit and another to the mother bit but I'm lucky if I see them on a weekly basis. I am a sahm at the moment but having experienced a miscarriage, this has made me feel very withdrawn and I have struggled to make any new friends at toddler groups etc. I also gave up my job to look after little dd, not being able to get family friendly hours and having no family to back me up with childcare for little dd (I have issues about being there for the dd's as my mother was not so didnt really consider nursery etc.). This has all left me feeling rather isolated and the final breakdown in my relationship with my mother seems to have compounded everything, our relationship (although hollow) would have dawdled along if it were not for the miscarriage.

This is a very long and rambling post. Not sure I really expect anyone to reply but it does feel good getting stuff out of my head and down on paper. If you've read this far........thanks for reading.

brassbrass Mon 11-Apr-16 12:41:40

PM'd you monkeytree

monkeytree Mon 11-Apr-16 16:02:03

Thank you brass, I've read your message and it has made me feel that I am not alone, thank you for taking the time to respond, I'm going to read it again later when dcs are in bed.

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