Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How to get MiL more involved

(15 Posts)
piraterach Mon 11-Apr-16 07:36:43

My DH and I have been together for 8 years (living together 4, married 1). My parents are very involved in our lives and visit often (both me and DH are happy with this) and the rest of my family have accepted DH with open arms and treat him like one of their own.

My MiL however is barely on the scene. She lives 3 miles away, drives and has no job so has no reason not to visit us but has been to our house twice in 4 years.

She absolutely adores DH's brother. Visits him all the time, invites him over for xmas, buys him new things for his house but has absolutely no inclination to do this for her other son.

Can you think of any way I can try and get her more involved in our lives? I am always polite to her and have invited her to our house so cannot see what the problem is.

Lweji Mon 11-Apr-16 07:41:14

Was it an issue before you got together?

What does your OH think about it? Does he want her more involved?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 11-Apr-16 07:42:02

What does your DH think about his mother these days and what sort of a relationship do they have?. Also what sort of a relationship does your DH have with his brother?. I would think that they are not at all close.

You cannot force her to become further involved (she is simply not interested) and doing so will just bring you a whole heap of bother that you or your H need.

It is NOT your fault your MIL is the way she is, neither you or your H did that. She seems to still favour her other son and that has probably been the case for many years, certainly prior to you being on the scene and that dynamic likely goes back to their own childhoods.

Isetan Mon 11-Apr-16 07:51:20

The relationship between your MIL and your H isn't your responsibility or within your control. Take the lead from your H because well intentioned meddling could make things worse, not better.

Penfold007 Mon 11-Apr-16 08:00:11

Why does she have to more involved in your lives?

WellErrr Mon 11-Apr-16 08:10:34

Why are you bothered?

PovertyPain Mon 11-Apr-16 08:15:39


Because she loves her husband and wants a good relationship with her mil. I think it's lovely OP. Could you try inviting her out for lunch in her area? It's possible the other son visits more/takes her out more and she thinks your DH is more independent.

Wolpertinger Mon 11-Apr-16 08:26:21

Does DH like his mother?

You clearly come from a lovely normal family and want to replicate that. There are indications that your DH does not and your MIL has a favourite child and DH is not it. Trying to get her more involved in that case would only bring a whole heap of pain on your heads as you discover that at heart, she isn't a very nice person to have around your DCs and you all get even more hurt than you are now.

See what your DH thinks first before you embark on any well meaning projects.

Lweji Mon 11-Apr-16 08:28:06

Because she loves her husband and wants a good relationship with her mil

Fine, but... what does her OH feel about it?
That part was curiously left out of the OP.

piraterach Mon 11-Apr-16 08:30:38

You're right povertypain. I'd love her to be involved just for DH's sake. I can see it hurts him that his own mum doesn't really bother with him.

I always ask DH if he wants to go see her but after years of it only being a one way street he's sick of putting the effort in and being no better thought of.

She loves her 2 fur babies so I was thinking maybe see if she wants to come walk them with our dog in the local park? Just anything to make DH feel like his mum wants to spend some time with him.

PovertyPain Mon 11-Apr-16 08:39:00

What's she like generally? Does she seem distant or affectionate towards your husband when she sees him? I don't know the back story, sorry. If, as others suggest, she's not a very nice lady, then would it do more harm than good bringing her into your life? Has she given any indication as to why she supports the other son more?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 11-Apr-16 09:01:16

"I always ask DH if he wants to go see her but after years of it only being a one way street he's sick of putting the effort in and being no better thought of".

That comment of his is very telling. Follow your DHs leads here, he has had a lifetime of her and her conditioning after all.

Unfortunately your DH did not come from an emotionally healthy family unlike your good self. You cannot and must not bring your good intentions into this dynamic between your H and his mother as doing so will bring you and he a whole new world of rubbish from her. You do not actually need someone like his mother in your lives, if she is this uncaring towards him then none of your own actions are going to do anything to change that dynamic. This predates you by many years.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Mon 11-Apr-16 09:11:45

Is your BiL single?

Maybe your MiL is an MNer and terrified of being seen as one of those overbearing toxic MiLs there are so many threads about.

BarbarianMum Mon 11-Apr-16 09:39:34

I don't think you should try and engage her more -it won't work and will just make more heartache for your dh when she rejects your advances or you have to make all the effort. Instead concentrate on building a happy family unit based on the 2 of you and your family.

piraterach Mon 11-Apr-16 10:24:57

Thanks for all the advice guys. Like you say milk it's usually ppl asking the MiL to butt out lol. I'll take all your advice and leave well alone. Thanks againsmile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now