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Is it actually me?

(70 Posts)
LithuanianDogfi5h Mon 11-Apr-16 06:53:31

I've been wondering if I should post for a while now, but after another incident this morning, I've bitten the bullet.

For background - married 5 years, 1 child age 15months. I pretty much feel like I hate my husband blush there are a few reasons, just around the time I got pregnant with dd we bought out first house together, long story short, I found out from the mortgage application summary that he has a child with someone else and is paying maintenance via an attachment of earnings order. I've tried to talk to him about this as obviously my dd has a brother and I don't want her to grow up with family secrets... Every time I bring the subject of this up he shuts me down, I'm not even allowed to mention anything to do with why he didn't tell me, or anything about the boy. He just will not enter into discussion at all. All he will say is he 'is not the child's father, because he doesn't want the child' hmm

He insists on getting up in the night and won't allow me to go to our dd. He says this is because when I do I just shout confused FYI I'm not a shouty person, I concede in the early days of dd I may have spoken sharply to him the next day after being up all night with her (reflux, cmpa), especially if he expecting me to wait on him hand and foot as he played PlayStation...

Anyway, he works during the week and I was made redundant just before maternity leave so I'm still at home (I am looking for work but there is a huge downturn in my industry just now, it's not easy!) Also I have no income but I do have savings and I use my savings to pay half the bills and buy all the food. So every weekend he wants to spend time with dd, I barely get a look in, but ok I scrub the house, washing, ironing etc, prepare breakfast and lunch for him during the week make nice meals for us all...I know he wants to spend time with her. But all he does is moan about how he does all the childcare when he's at home. He makes out that I'm lazy and can't be bothered looking after dd blush As he gets up during the night, maybe once or twice, he is tired in the morning, so he just doesn't leave for work until 8:30 it's and hour commute and he's supposed to start at 8, he thinks this is perfectly acceptable (he also comes home and tells me what to programmes he managed to sneak watching and what computer games he played at work...) I'm sure his colleagues must think I'm awful, he really does make out I'm a horrendous lazy bitch. He hates me trying to take over if my dd has been upset for some time (he doesn't seem to get she is 15m and shoving a bottle in her mouth is not what she needs) the incident this morning was he went to the loo and left her crying in her room, so I went through, changed her nappy, put clean clothes on, as I was doing this he came back through, tried to grab her off the floor, I pushed his arm away (wrong I know) just gentle because I was in the middle of dressing her, he then grabbed my arm, pushed me back into the radiator and punched me in the side of the head, yelling don't you dare hit me. I'm so confused.

He is a 'Daddy Martyr' in my opinion but he is convinced all the problems are down to me and that I am lazy and don't parent / look after myself / / the house properly. The thing is I'm not sure if it is me or not. The thing is I'm not really sure what a normal relationship is like, maybe this is it? I hate him when he does things like this, but I had a dysfunctional upbringing and I don't want my dd to be from a broken home. So, anyway I'm sorry for the long, indulgent post, but is it me, do I sound lazy and entitled, perfectly willing to be told it is me! Just feel like I've lost all perspective and I don't have a clue about anything anymoreblush thanks if you managed to get to the end of my navel gazing rantblush

fuzzywuzzy Mon 11-Apr-16 06:56:41

Get legal advice and get him out of your life.

wallywobbles Mon 11-Apr-16 07:00:00

Hitting is not ok. Police now (or as soon as he's at work).

Luc28 Mon 11-Apr-16 07:08:16

*He then grabbed my arm, pushed me back into the radiator and punched me in the side of the head*

Completely unacceptable... You and DD need to get away from him.

It took me until my dd was three to leave my ex after what appears to be a very similar scenario..... Leaving and starting afresh was the best thing I ever did!

Do you think that the secrecy around the other child may be due to this kind if behavior with his ex?

Heirhelp Mon 11-Apr-16 07:08:17

None of it sounded good - the child he did not tell you about, the money situation, not allowing you to parent but punching you in the head is a whole new level of abuse. I really think you need to contact the police for your safety and the safety of your child. I would be wondering if he is not allowed contact with his first child due to abuse.

bakeoffcake Mon 11-Apr-16 07:08:19

Oh you poor thing.

I thought he sounded a nasty, controlling idiot even before I read that he hit you.

Please please leave him. His behaviour will only get worse.

HandyWoman Mon 11-Apr-16 07:15:24

Your daughter already lives in a broken home. But you can make this better and get out.

The reason why you are so unsure of which way is up is that you are a victim of emotional and physical abuse.

Your next steps are to see a solicitor and get divorced, call Women's Aid and take steps to becoming completely free of him.

Do you have friends and family to rely on? Because this is the time to call on them.


LithuanianDogfi5h Mon 11-Apr-16 07:17:11

Oh blush I thought everyone would tell me to get a grip and that its all me and the poor man was entitled to a private life.

What happens when you contact the police about this kind of thing? It's the first time he's hit me, does that change anything?

fuzzywuzzy Mon 11-Apr-16 07:27:46

No it doesn't they will ask him to go to the police station and give a statement.

You'll need to make a statement too.

Then they'll decide whether there's enough evidence to charge him.

bakeoffcake Mon 11-Apr-16 07:28:41

No it doesn't change anything. you could telephone Women's Aid and they will talk you through reporting to the police and any other questions you have.

It's 0808 2000 247

Do you have any friends or family who can help you?

petalsandstars Mon 11-Apr-16 07:38:00

It sounds like he's gas lighting you too, saying you shout but you're not a shouty person so you're confused by his assertion and wondering if you don't know yourself.

Get away.

wonkylampshade Mon 11-Apr-16 07:51:20

This is horrible - you must tell the police what he did to you and make plans to get away from him sad

LithuanianDogfi5h Mon 11-Apr-16 07:53:15

I don't have any friends blush I don't really have a good relationship with my family, when I tried to talk to my mum when I found out about his son, she just said he's entitled to a private life and I should respect his wishes. So no help there, really.

I hadn't thought about him behaving like this with his ex, it's a possibility- to be honest, I was pretty sure it was just me expecting something from life/my relationship that wasn't possible or realistic.

Hopefully he goes to work soon and once dd has her nap I will ring Women's Aid for some advice.

Thanks all

wonkylampshade Mon 11-Apr-16 07:54:12

You might find it helpful to contact his ex at some point too.

bluejasmin Mon 11-Apr-16 07:55:50

Make a phone call to woman's aid or google them lots of really helpful advice and they can offer help . Go through the checklist for abuse you will tick every box I'm sure .
Please don't think it's you , it's a very hard thing to go through and it's easy to detach yourself from what's happening . The first time is never the last time . Call a solicitor for some advice ( women's aid can help find one )
Hope your ok and it can get better . Emotional and physical abuse is serious so do get help xx

NameChanger2015 Mon 11-Apr-16 07:56:04

If you have any visible injuries from the punch please take a photograph and also visit your GP to have them formally recorded.

Namechanger2015 Mon 11-Apr-16 07:56:54

If you have any visible injuries from the punch please take photographs of them. Also visit your GP and make sure the injuries are recorded.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 11-Apr-16 08:12:59

Call the police and report him for assault

Spandexpants007 Mon 11-Apr-16 08:13:15

Police. Today. Urgently. Also women's aid.

LithuanianDogfi5h Mon 11-Apr-16 08:46:14

He just came in to give me dd so he can go to work. I said to him I could call the police for you hitting me this morning and he just laughed and said he'd tell them it was self defence. To be fair I did push his arm when he tried to grab dd.

Anyway he's gone to work now. So I've a chance to have a think and probably call Women's Aid once dd is asleep to see what they say.

Thanks for your help all. I'm so embarrassed.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 11-Apr-16 08:48:21

It's a shame you've given him the chance to think up a defence but hopefully he won't take you seriously - police and women's aid NOW

bakeoffcake Mon 11-Apr-16 09:02:07

Yes please call Women's Aid when DD is asleep.

Please also tell them that you mentioned calling the police to DH.

Luc28 Mon 11-Apr-16 09:03:42

Dont be embarrassed and don't make excuses for him. Its not just physical abuse it's mental abuse. You and DD deserve do much better. It took me a long time to see what was happening and have the strength do something about it. you really need to speak to someone if not the police then what about family of friends could you go to them now and confide in them... Let them know what you are going through x

RedMapleLeaf Mon 11-Apr-16 09:07:27

Why did you tell him that you could report him to the police? (Genuine question about your motivations, not having a go at you).

bakeoffcake Mon 11-Apr-16 09:13:34

The fact your dd saw him hit you is also very serious.

You need to protect your Dd as well as yourself.

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