Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Betrayed, confused and not sure whether to force them to leave

(12 Posts)
marymaryquitecontrary1 Mon 11-Apr-16 01:09:12

I need some serious advice. DH has admitted he is in an affair with a married woman (with three kids) who lives very close by. We've been together twelve years, have two young kids.

They met at various school events but they worked together once or twice on various local community projects over the years. I am main breadwinner and he worked part-time for last four years but we have a nice middle class life and never really had any real life struggles like many more people I know. In the last two years we had a few off patches but nothing serious and he never told me he was unhappy in our marriage until the affair began. I feel he is having a mid-life crisis of sorts as he got quite distant after a close relative died mid-last year and maybe stuff from his childhood in there too as he is constantly looking at old family pictures and his parents were not the most loving and always fighting when he was a kid. I had a crisis ourselves at work which distracted me for the last few months of last year so I wasn't fully on the same emotional page as he and hadn't really noticed he had started to check out of the marriage.

The affair started about five months ago but I found out two months ago and confronted him but he didn't stop so I moved him into the spare room. I'm pretty sure it continues on as they can meet from time to time, usually when I am away due to work. I'm pretty sure too he is texting her and she him when I am not around and they meet up in secret (I saw some of their texts) when her husband travels. You can always tell as his tone and behavior slightly changes. He's very intelligent but keeps using impressive words these days after they meet up ! Odd quirk

He says he doesn't love me anymore, isn't attracted to me and wants to leave. He says now he thinks we were never right for one another, should never have got married, we've changed as people and he looks at me like a flatmate now and loves the other woman. Her husband does not yet know and I am guilty as I feel it is right to tell him though know it is his wife's responsibility. DH and I went for a few marriage counseling sessions but he really didn't engage as he wants to leave and start a new life and no doubt be with her. He is actively talking about us separating but isn't pushing himself to leave our home either. He was supposed to move out and get a small flat initially close by as wants the kids to be unaffected (he was the main carer) and we can share custody. As he has not engaged (is he in denial) I've bought quite a number of books on affairs and saving marriages, read all these online sites and talked to two close friends, one who's husband did have an emotional affair but returned to the marriage but not one gives me solid advice on what to do next.

I'm holding it together for the kids sake and really hope to hold on to my marriage as I do love him and if he really is in a mid-life crisis, I want to hold on until it passes though I know it will hurt me deeply too. I knew they talked about our marriage in their texts and so probably when they met so I was hurt and angry and couldn't really talk to him. I think that is what drew them together as she is not happy in hers as her husband is away a lot. Some of the stuff he said to me after I confronted him was also horrific, nasty and completely false. Seemingly both of them are married to controlling and cold spouses though I've always allowed him do what he wants when he wants.

Strangely in the last two weeks or so we suddenly started talking easily together about out marriage and what we should have done (me be assertive for my needs for one), the need for change and to focus on personal happiness, growth, etc. We are actually getting on well though nothing physical bar occasional brush touch but eyes starting to meet and we are both having fun now when focusing on the family stuff with the kids and concentrate on the parent stuff.

So..my questions.

Should I force him out, even temporarily till the affair blows over and then look at trying to save the marriage? I really don't want to separate and divorce like my parents did (and both regretted for years after, even when married to other people). He really is a good person though obviously showed bad behavior in having the affair in the first place. I just couldn't get over the shock initially.

Should I tell her husband? ..which will stop the affair or get her thrown out (her husband seems nice but very tough) but I'm afraid that that would mean they never really end it (as in fizzle's out and dies) and becomes a romantic loss and they pine endlessly for each other. It's too easy for them to rekindle as our kids share the same school, neighbourhood and changing is not an option unless we moved and sold up.

He will barely cover the rent and living money wise if he leaves so he is going to struggle financially anyway until a divorce or maintenance is forced on me but he says he wants to leave. (haven't checked the legal stuff yet). He has now started talking about us selling the house and him getting a new place and maybe for them both really as he is infatuated in the affair. I think she controls him and is letting him do all the running and work as there is no talk of her leaving her nice upper income family life. Other than the excitement of the affair they have nothing in common really as far as I can tell but are 'soul mates' of course.

If he leaves it spares me pain and I can start focusing on me and the kids but then do I lose the positive communication that is starting to develop? I am pretty sure if she wasn't in the picture we could work on getting things back on track and being happy together again. Surely when you are so focused on the affair love for someone else you can't even think about saving your marriage and give any loving feelings to your spouse? Maybe I am being naive but many do recover from affairs and have happy marriages again so why can't we ?

Advice from someone male or female who has been in this situation would be really appreciated before I crack up.

Iflyaway Mon 11-Apr-16 01:22:34

sorry. I coudnd't read your essay...

Bottom line is... do you wan't to live your life like tthis for ever...

justdontevenfuckingstart Mon 11-Apr-16 01:35:20

Couldn't read it all either sorry. But saw affair, doesn't love you and wants to leave. Dont be with someone that doesn't want you. There wil be shit times, have been there but get out.

HerRoyalNotness Mon 11-Apr-16 02:02:52

I did read it all. He is not only having a full sexual relationship but also emotionally involved. He says he wants to leave. Tell him to move out by the end of the month. He is not your problem anymore.

What he can or cannot afford is his problem. Start thinking about you and your DC.

My DH had a short EA after an awful bereavement, and wanted to leave, did the whole I don't love you. I started getting my shit together and did Things with my friends and went on holiday alone to think things through. Basically showed him I didn't need him, he knew that anyway. If he had been having a PA there is no way I would come back from that.

Even if you feel like you want him to stay now, some distance can give you clarity and after a few months when you have your head together, I predict you will be just fine and will wonder why you would accept his treatment of you, just for the sake of your DC not having divorced parents. Do not let him have his cake and eat it.

Friendlystories Mon 11-Apr-16 02:05:58

The one thing you don't seem to have covered in your post OP is, assuming you're right and this is a kind of midlife crisis which he will eventually come out the other side of, whether you will ever be able to get past the fact that he's broken your trust and betrayed you and your marriage. Also, what if you're wrong and, after you being generous enough to want to wait for him to 'get it out of his system', he goes ahead and leaves you and they live happily ever after? I hear your desire to stick with the marriage you committed to and your emotional intelligence with regard to what may be motivating his imo inexcusable betrayal of you but what about you in all this? You don't say much about the emotional impact this must have had on you or what it he must have done to your self esteem and self respect, your post seems to focus on his feelings and practical solutions to the problems you're facing and I'm wondering if you're pushing the emotional side of it down by concentrating on those issues. I think you maybe need to work out how you actually feel about all this, scary as that may be, because facing up to those feelings may leave you with entirely different questions to the ones posed in your OP. It's time to stop focussing on how all this is going to play out for him and start thinking about yourself, you may well realise that you deserve better than him and take the decision about whether to separate entirely out of his hands. I really feel for you OP because, having considered it at various points in my own marriage, the prospect of leaving my husband and my DC having a 'split' family is a horrible thing to have to contemplate but, personally, I couldn't come back from an affair, you deserve better than someone who doesn't have the integrity to either resist 'temptation' or end one relationship before he starts another flowers

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Mon 11-Apr-16 02:08:45

OP flowers I read the whole thing

It's so hard but please don't do the Pick Me Dance.

He is re-writing the history of your relationship (unhappy, never really loved you, never right for one another, controlling....) so that he does not have to be the bad guy and feel guilty.

Kick him out. Concentrate on yourself and your children. And have some more flowers

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Mon 11-Apr-16 02:10:30

Fern that is a great post.

Baconyum Mon 11-Apr-16 02:21:32

You deserve better. He is not wanting you anymore don't do yourself a disservice by doing the pick me dance and continuing to support him financially.

Get a shl (word of mouth best), get your ducks in a row and stop letting him treat you like this.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 11-Apr-16 03:08:56

Ordinarily my advice would be to resist any temptation to do the 'pick me' dance and kick him out, mary, and more particularly as he's continuing his affair and appears to have no remorse whatsoever about it as he's away with the fairies planning the wonderful life he's going to have with the ow. <eye roll>

However, you've booted him into the spare room and in view of the recent rapprochement of sorts you appear to having with him, together with the fact that you will most probably be required to hand over a hefty chunk of the equity in the marital home and possibly maintenance, I suggest you play for time and attempt to burst his bubble.

Keep the harmonious vibe going while resolving not to fall into his arms if he makes any overture of a sexual nature, and drop in a few bombshells remarks to the effect that you're thinking of giving up work or going part-time so that you can be the main carer for the dc.

Let him mull that over for a couple of days before pasting a cheerful smile on your face as you tell him that, after a lot of agonising, you're prepared to sacrifice your career so that he'll be able to embrace a more 'traditonal' lifestyle when he's living with the ow, unless he's plannng to be a full time carer to her dc too.

If he should demure, point out that he needs to crack on with racking up his NI contributions to qualify for the pittance full state pension when he reaches the stipulated age.

You can have a lot of fun with this - and you most certainly deserve a humorous interlude - by acting for all the world as if you've fully accepted that he's found his 'soul mate' (how tediously hackneyed is that?), but are a tad concerned that the ow's h looks to be a hard man to be reckoned with and she may struggle to get a penny out of him . In fact, you reckon that once he finds out about her affair,, he'll most probably divorce her for adultery and name your h as co-respondent - which means that he may find himself liable to pay the court fees for the ow's divorce. How tragic would that be. grin

I can't over-emphasise the need to keep it light and airy - your role is that of a woman who's resigned herself to waving bye bye to her h and is intent on wishing him well for the future.

Get him wondering whether you're embarking on an extra curricular liaison by phoning after work one week night evening to announce you won't be back till late and not to save a meal for you. Take yourself off to dine in a pleasant restaurant and don't go home until after 10.30pm. Follow this up with a few Friday or Saturday nights out while you h stays home with the dc. Do you have friends you can go clubbing out with? If not, spend the time in a pleasant pub or restaurant and don't go home till the early hours.

Your h needs to know that it is a case of what's sauce for the goose and that you're not going to weep and mope after he's gone, and the best way to do this is to show him you're not weeping or moping while he's around to witness your new found joie de vivre and your revived or extended social life.

If your bravura performance results in him having change of heart, make sure that the ow's h* is made aware of what his dw has got up to with your h. This should result in a few fireworks that will herald the death knell on love's young middle aged dream and ensure that the coffin lid is well and truly nailed down.

Should you achieve the desired result you'll be in a position to determine whether or not you choose to stay married to an adulterous spouse, but be aware that you only have six months from the date you discovered he's broken his marriage vows to divorce him for adultery and name the ow as co-respondent - after that time the law will take the view that you condoned his behaviour.

When/if the affair ends while he's still under your roof, so to speak, I would strongly urge you to allow him to remain only as the 'flatmate' he claims to see you as until such time as he demonstrates by word and deed that he is genuinely remorseful about his despicable and deceitful conduct.

*If the ow's h becomes aware of her adultery at this particular point in time he may throw her out on her ear, and your h sounds soppy besotted enough to set up home with her and will doubtless try to screw you over for the werewithal to keep her in relative comfort. .

Given the potential financial hit you may be forced to take, it has to be about playing for time to see if he comes to his senses - should you overrrun the six month deadline for adultery you can proceed to divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour at any time of your choosing.

ButIbeingpoor Mon 11-Apr-16 14:45:21

BELIEVE HIM!!!He doesn't love you nor want you. (bastard)
Tell him to leave.
Tell OW's husband.
Get a SHL.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 11-Apr-16 16:05:42

Yes you should force him to leave.
I bet you are doing the pick me dance as well - <cringe>
Stop it.
Stop doing his washing, cooking, shopping, cleaning, ironing, etc.....
Pack him a bag and leave it out front and then text him that he's not welcome home and he needs to be gone.
That will make him wake up and smell the coffee.

Then of course you tell her DH. He deserves to know he's with a lying cheating scumbag.

Seriously, get him out of the house - now!

Strawberryjam34 Mon 11-Apr-16 16:15:30

I thought things were tough for me at the moment but, what you are tolerating is something else. I'd be incarcerated by now if he had said those things to me!!!!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now