This is so hard for me to type, but I need somewhere to turn.
Last year my mum visited me for the first time in years. She lives thousands of miles away. We've not had an easy relationship due to a very difficult upbringing (that's another story in itself) and we struggle to get on, but I've tried since I had my DD so that she knows her grandma as much as you can from a distance.
3 days before she left, she blurted out that my father sexually assaulted her when I was 4, and that this then carried on for years. I can't go into detail, but it was horrific. I already knew he was a bad person, but I didn't realise he was worse than I already knew about.
She almost instantly said she shouldn't have said anything, that she'd never told anyone before, and that "it's ok, I just see it as something that happened a long time ago ." So why did she blurt it out? She then got upset that I was so upset and shocked, and insisted that I mustn't tell my siblings or anyone else. My immediate reaction was to say she needed a divorce (it has been a long time coming regardless) but she refused. And yes, that's her call, I know.
I've realised how heavy a burden this has been to carry. I can't really talk about it with my close friends (although I have a little) because it's too horrible. I don't want to talk to my siblings about it, but at the same time it is exhausting being the only person in my family who knows. I was seeing a private therapist at the time, and I did talk to her about it (the therapist's opinion was that it was deliberate to punish me for challenging her about certain things that happened when I was growing up, things that I needed answers for - and I was very calm and careful about it) but as it was so raw at the time, I didn't understand what impact it was having and I stopped seeing her last autumn.
I'm getting married in 2 months and I haven't invited my family because I can't cope with the idea of dealing with family stress with a visit from abroad, and I sure as hell don't want my father there - but he doesn't know that I know. My siblings will be hurt and angry and I can't explain it to them. I don't feel the joy that I think I should be feeling about my wedding day.
I've just realised in the past few days that I am not OK. It's left me depressed, it's gradually affected my work, finances, morale and my relationship, although my partner has done his absolute best to support me. I turned things around enough to land a decent job, thank goodness. But I am so unhappy.
I don't want to to take ADs for what I consider a situation beyond my control, yet it's affecting me all the time. I can't afford to go back to the therapist at the moment either and I'm in a new job which is a temporary contract, so I can't take time off even if I wanted to try the gamble that is therapy on the NHS, as they're daytime appointments.
I am hurting. I feel the conflict of feeling horrified and protective of my mother, yet she is also so difficult, irrational and her own worst enemy. She is subtly toxic and I have to keep my distance, yet I can't help but feel guilty now that I know this. She hasn't tried to contact me about it again though.
I feel ashamed that this is my family, and that he is an even worse human being than I knew. I feel cheated even further - I already was hurting from not having parents that love and protect you. I feel exhausted from having being put in this position, and being the carer yet again.
If anyone has been in a similar situation and can tell me how they coped when they hit rock bottom (and this is my second rock bottom, after escaping a long term EA relationship three years ago - in fact it's just about the 3 year anniversary of the day I had the courage to end it) or if you can just say something kind to help me get through this difficult time - thank you. 
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Have hit rock bottom - mum dropped bombshell about my dad 10 months ago
ohsotired15 · 10/04/2016 19:17
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It's ok, I understood what you meant after I read it a couple of times. 
It is so unfair of anyone to burden their children with this sort of thing. Whether they are adult or child.
Perhaps it is worth the ££ of a few sessions with your previous therapist because you say those "unspeakable" thoughts IYSWIM?
I think your family dynamic sounds incredibly complex and full of hurt and damage. I'm sorry you are having such a tough time.
I think more talking to a skilled therapist is needed for this
Good night. Come back tomorrow? This stuff is really hard to get through on your own.
It's difficult that she has chosen to share her dreadful burden with you, and you feel the need to try and carry it with her. Sounds like you have more than enough 'stuff' of your own already.
Giving the benefit of the doubt, she may not have done this maliciously, to make you feel bad, I wonder if she did it as a clumsy way of explaining why things were not great when you were younger?
I really do sympathise.
What happened to your mother was dreadful, but in handing you this bombshell information, and then stipulating that you must keep it a secret from everybody including your siblings, whilst she stays married to your father, she has given you a very unfair burden.
In my view it would not be unreasonable for you to tell her that.
I agree with your therapist btw that this bombshell of hers was to stop you challenging her about your childhood. 'I had it much worse than you so what have you got to complain about?' is the message she is aiming for probably.
Actually I also think you have a right to talk honestly to your siblings about this. I did, regarding my own case, and it was shall we say very illuminating.
OP, maybe it would be better if you didn't tell her about the wedding plans yet, as it will doubtless cause discussion/debate. But you could agree with your DP that you'll send her an email the night before, the morning of or (preferably) after the day to let her know about the wedding. Don't give her room to challenge you.
Your life does indeed sound complicated and upsetting. But you are about to start a new life with your DH-to-be. Time to start afresh, new traditions, different family focus and a whole new world or choices and opportunities.
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