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Am I really the crazy one? Maybe I am?(22 Posts)
Me and DP had a whopper row today. Started because I didn't want to play fight and after telling him over 8! Times to go away and leave me alone.. He ended up squashing my boob... Very painful. He stormed off saying we're not compatible anymore
Now this is the 3rd out burst from him this week. Mid week he was tickling me and I ended up getting head butted by my 4 year old. Which ended up in us both crying...
So I lost my shit having ago at DP.. To which he blows up saying he doesn't wanna be with me, it's over, fuck off. Very uncommon for him to say anything.
I questioned him today on these and as usual I get the blame for everything. Apparently I don't like to be fun anymore. I'm 24 and he's 26. There is a time and place for play fighting but I didn't want it?
The relationship issues have always been aimed at being my fault. It's either my anger, my moods, my upbringing, I'm not fun, ive changed.
But is it all actually me? Ive began counselling 2 months ago to work on my anger because I recognise I don't like to loose my cool and I don't want the same upbeinging for my child as I had. I was and still am considering anti depressants because I feel I'm so miserable but I can't help but wonder if it's him.
I am fine all week when I am alone and it's just me and my DS. I admit I feel lonely because I stay in all week after work as I xanf do anything for myself as I have my son and no other support.
When he's around I have to ask him to do everything... Please wash up, please can I have a lie in, please see to DS. Because if I don't ask it is expected of me. And I think it's unfair.
I work full time in an important position. Quite stressful but enjoyable. I don't do nothing for myself, I have little friends and little support. It's easy to see why I am slightly unhappy sometimes. I feel isolated and more so by him.
He makes me feel like it's all me... Is it?
I doubt its you. Play fighting can be used by an abuser as an opportunity to physically hurt you without the abuse being obvious. Its very subtle but you still end up hurt.
Try reading why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft see if you recognise him in there.
" I am fine all week when I am alone....."
I think you have answered your own question. What will your next step be ?
No its not you he is acting like an immature prick. You already know you are happier without him. Tell him to fuck off OP and find someone who will make you happy and not just want a play fight....weird!
It's odd because the last few years since DS has been born ive posted on here on and off with similar scenarios.
I am always hoping things will rectify themselves. But the fact I have to ask for a lie in when I'm on holiday and all I get is " well your not at work you don't need it" it baffles me. So I don't get one when I'm at work and don't get one whilst I'm not at work.
I begged for is to go counselling. We had a consultation a few weeks ago and I'm waiting for the next session.
I just can't see it working as ive been trying for 4 years and here I am again posting here moaning about the same stuff.
I know I would be happier alone. I would have to rely on myself and only me.
My son wouldn't get wound up because I don't play him up. I guess it's trying to get him to leave. He always point blank refuses.
Is he your child's father? What is your living situation?
You say, I know I would be happier alone. You know what you need to do and if you are adamant it is the end, you have to mean it and he has to accept it. From what you say, he has had enough too.
As for the play fighting, I would hate that so I don't blame you for your reaction.
It's not 'play' when one party doesn't want to do it. That makes it plain and simple a 'fight' which ended in you getting hurt. He's confusing you by telling you it's 'play' when actually it's him hurting you. My ex would also laugh when he hurt me/was nasty and it made the abuse very confusing, like I was mad.
You're happier when he's not there - that says it all.
I don't like the sound of him ignoring your physical boundaries: the tickling and play-fighting when you make it abundantly clear you don't want it. And then for him to get stroppy afterwards is even worse.
You've answered your own questions really lovely. Now you need to put it into practice. Is the situation that he doesn't live with you or works away during the week?
Oh and I don't do "play fighting". If DP carried on I wouldn't class it as "play" either. DP got that I didn't like tickling when I accidently kicked him in the face the first time he tickled my foot. He hasn't done it since because he's not a dick.
What is the house situation? Rented, mortgage in whose name/s?
You're 24.... Can you see yourself with this man in 5, 10 or 50 years time?! If his redeeming features do not trump what you've said above, move on and find someone who appreciates you!
If your customary cycle is to fight, he refuses to leave and sits tight until things go back to normal between you, then you have to switch it up and follow through on splitting. If you have assets between you, such as a house, get legal advice. If you don't, it might be easier for you to sort out somewhere to move out to with your dc than to try to get him to leave.
He is my DS father. Have 50/50 parental rights as not married and on birth certificate.
Live together in a rented house.
I can't afford to live here alone.. Rents to hign around here. He works late evenings sodoesnt get in until 1 at night.
Category12 you have it spot on. He either just tries to hug it out and apologise until I resume normal living. I just didn't want to leave when I find it unfair I have to uproot my DS from the house. The house is close to my work and his school.
He tickles me and I ended up smacking him in the face quite hard. Was accidental but nothing deters him. I just don't get it why he can't listen... If he didn't do it in the first place we wouldn't argue and there would be no casualties. Is it not brain science!!
His 'playfighting' is totally symptomatic of his prevalent disrespect for you.
If someone asks you to stop, you fucking stop. For him to ignore you and then carry on until you get hurt is him sending you a very clear message - you don't get to decide what happens in your space and to your body...I do.
It's completely unacceptable and a recognised tool of abuse.
If you're fine and dandy throughout the week, then he comes back at the weekend and rules the roost, the answer is plain. You don't have an anger problem you need help for...you have a boyfriend problem you need rid of.
P.s Years ago I had a boyf who liked to 'play fight' and 'tickle' too. Always at his instigation and always taken too far to the point where I would end up getting hurt. I hated it and complained just like you do...and of course I was all the humourless, overreacting, miserable cows under the sun.
I look back on that and feel furious with both of us. Him for doing it and me for allowing myself to be told it was me with the problem. I spent far longer with him than I should have done.
He says that whoever I'm close to I argue with I.e my mom. But we argue due to the fact she was emotionally abusive all my life and I have a lot of resentment toward that. Therefore makes me snappy and irritable. But again I am taking steps to resolve that.
He takes no steps to stop issues. We were late last week dropping DS off and I got mad because I asked him to pack his bag the night before but he ignored me and did it on the day making us late. So I had to sort me and DS out and I forgot pull ups for
Him. And I said to DP you know I hate being Unorganised and late. So why not just pack you stuff the night before. Not hard!!!
Since I have paid for counselling sessions I will go to them and see what the counsellor says. I want some professional to agree with me and for him to see!!! I think I try and hang on to much... I need some balls.
Pictish you wrote that asif it was me.
I am made out to be miserable, humourless.
I actually do have a good sense of humour I just don't find it funny. Neither does DS when he winds him up and all DP says is your just like your mom
If you are that humourless then he won't have a problem in leaving will he?
I'm sure I have posted on your threads before that if anyone tickled me in a play fight that i didn't want to participate in - they would never do it again. Because I would smash [or kick] their face in. And I am not a violent person in any way.
My ex boyf also used it as 'proof' that I didn't care about him. If I wasn't enjoying it, that was because I had no sense of humour and was obviously repelled by him. It was all very manipulative. I would always end up reassuring him that I loved him really, when he should have been apologising to me .
Anyway...wouldn't have a second of it now.
A therapist is really unlikely to say that it's his fault - or yours. They are there to be neutral and help you work through issues. Even if they did say that he was being a twat, is it likely that he'd believe them?! It sounds like he's the type to just say you manipulated the situation/the therapist didn't understand/whatever.
Make plans to leave. It'll be a change and change is always scary but you'll be happier, your son will be happier, and you'll be making sure his childhood isn't full of confusing arguments and statements like "You're just like your mum"... He's turning your son against you already.
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