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Advice/Experiences re Estranged Family and wedding invitation

(58 Posts)
CoyRoy Sat 09-Apr-16 17:45:44

Have posted previously about going NC with my mother die to her overbearingness, controlling and negative behaviour, the ensuing fallout with my two brothers because of it, and in particular pompous emails from one brother to my husband about bringing me to order. Second brother, though not the author of the vile emails, said he concurred with first brother's stance. He told me I was pathetic to fall out with our mother over her behaviour, and that if/when he has DC he will welcome her advice! He then blocked me on Fb.
It's been about four years since I have seen them, and I am very content, and feel good about it.
Fiancee (have never met her) of the non-email other brother has previously emailed me on Fb saying she'd love to act as a go-between, what can she do to help us all reconcile. I politely replied that I found my family negative and that I was very happy as things are. Their wedding is now getting close, and she has recently emailed me again to ask if I will please consider going, and that it would mean a lot to my mother/brothers. (Father not on scene.) I don't think they are that bothered as they have not tried to make amends. The brother getting married did email when they got engaged to see whether he should bother inviting us. It didn't feel friendly. "You may or may not be aware that me and * are now engaged. We'd like to invite you to the wedding but if things remain as they are, seems little point even sending an invite. In an ideal world we'd all just accept our differences yet here we are. Up to you."

Not really sure what I am asking here. I am really happy without them. I can't imagine going to this wedding and it not being 100% awkward. What would you do/say? In case it is relevant, we live at opposite ends of the country. I have no idea where the wedding is.

CodyKing Sat 09-Apr-16 17:58:45

Say No - I don't want to attend - because - well you don't do you?

Send an email to GF and say congratulations - have a nice day - thanks for thinking of me but on reflection it's not a great idea.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 09-Apr-16 18:01:47

You do not have to meet any of your family of origin; they all sound toxic and dysfunctional. You are also happy as you are without them, that is the important thing here.

The fiancee here is the "flying monkey" who is only really acting in her own interests here rather than your own. Do not respond at all to her overtures, she has no real idea of what she is getting into here re your family of origin and may actually have been influenced by them. Her interference is not at all productive.

nicenewdusters Sat 09-Apr-16 18:09:49

I think whether the gf 's intentions are good or otherwise, you have made your decision about contact with your family. She only knows things from their point of view, and outsiders often think they can act as a go-between. You know why you've made your decision, you don't have to change it to make her, or anybody else, feel better.

CoyRoy Sat 09-Apr-16 18:17:05

Thanks for your replies.
Attila, what would you say her own interests are though?

Lordamighty Sat 09-Apr-16 18:19:10

CodyKing has said it perfectly.

pocketsaviour Sat 09-Apr-16 18:25:50

The GF's own interests will be having what looks like a fully functional groom's family around on the wedding day.

She is probably from a healthy family of origin and thinks that you've just had a "silly argument" and that everything can be "sorted out" as long as you're prepared to eat shit, say thank you for it, and keep smiling for the rest of your life

I would go with something along the line's of Cody's reply.

Imbroglio Sat 09-Apr-16 18:28:20

gf may be a little naive or she may see herself as a bit of a peacemaker, and having been told a very partial version of what's happened in your family thinks its just a matter of letting bygones be bygones.

Bit really its not her place to get everyone to kiss and make up. If your brother wanted a reconciliation he should ask for it himself. His message to you was horrible and tells you everything you need to know about how much effort he's putting into this.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Sat 09-Apr-16 18:32:46

As PocketSaviour says, it may just be because she has no idea what being in a dysfunctional family is actually like. She may have no other agenda than wanting everyone to "get along".

I certainly wouldn't go, and I would simply reply ad nauseum as you have previously stated "I find my family negative and I'm happy as things are" until she drops it.

Arfarfanarf Sat 09-Apr-16 18:37:29

Sounds to me like the email from your brother was clearly saying the invite was conditional upon you letting your mother back into your life.

I would decline the invite. Thank the fiancee. Tell her that she must understand that a daughter does not remove herself from her mother's lifewithout very very good reason and that you are confident you have made the right choice and thank you again but you do not need any 'peacemaker' or go between because you have the life you want.

CoyRoy Sat 09-Apr-16 18:38:34

Thanks very much for the insight.

Should I add to my reply (other than Cody's response and maybe saying what Raptor says too) that my presence will just be awkward on her big day?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 09-Apr-16 18:44:04

This woman likely comes from an emotionally healthy family and thinks this can be easily resolved. She is really acting as the flying monkey here acting in her own interest rather than yours.

Flying monkeys fall into two basic categories: willing, complicit partners and well-meaning dupes. The willing, complicit partners also fall into two categories: those who believe that you just need to forgive and forget and they are going to help you do just that (this sounds like this fiancee), and those who just don’t like you and are therefore quite happy to spy on you and to do their bidding. The dupes also break down into two categories: those who are fooled by drama into helping violate your boundaries and those who believe all of the lies and half-truths that the family of origin have spread about you and who want you to see the error of your ways.

By stepping in as one of the flying monkeys she is making one critical…and very disrespectful…error: she has not bothered to come to you and ask you for your side of the story. Any rational, truly well-meaning person wants to know both sides of an issue before they agree to assist one side against the other and they have a thirst for truth.

For your sake I would continue to stay away from all of them. You have managed not to see them for the past 4 years after all quite happily.

Bogeyface Sat 09-Apr-16 18:45:27

I would be inclined to tell her that you are happy to keep in touch with her, she may need an ally when the toxic shit starts flying in her direction.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 09-Apr-16 18:46:27

If you do send a message I would send something brief along the lines of what Cody has written. DO not enter into any further communications beyond this.

CoyRoy Sat 09-Apr-16 18:47:45

You got it, Attila - it's all about just forgetting whatever it is that bothers me, moving on and playing happy families.

What about this reply:
Hi, *
We are all well, thank you.
I know you come from a good place. But I am happier without my mother and brothers in my life. I doubt you got an unbiased version of events.
I hope you have a wonderful day, but I believe my presence will be awkward and fake.
Good luck with all the preparations.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 09-Apr-16 18:47:48

I wouldn't embellish or qualify your answer at all. You have come to a decision and there's nothing more to add. You don't need to justify anything to anyone other than yourself.

CoyRoy Sat 09-Apr-16 19:13:44

Is my draft at 18:47 too embellished?

AddToBasket Sat 09-Apr-16 19:20:41

Excellent reply. I would remove 'but I believe my presence will be awkward and fake' as I think that invites a response. Otherwise, I think it is very good. I would sign it 'best wishes'.

CoyRoy Sat 09-Apr-16 19:21:46

LOL, Bogey. I do feel intrigued about how things will pan out for her with my mother! I expect my mother is behaving though, and won't dare say anything to her about how she raises her DC like she used to with me. And probably, my brother and her will be fine - they are a match - he and I are not.

inlectorecumbit Sat 09-Apr-16 19:22:26

yes too embellished and could be seen as opening up dialogue between you as to the events that caused the estrangement.
Keep it short and sweet as Cody suggested.

CoyRoy Sat 09-Apr-16 19:23:31

Thanks, Add. It would be awkward and fake, and I don't know how she could think it wouldn't be, enough to try and get us to go?

CoyRoy Sat 09-Apr-16 19:24:43

inlectorecumbit, should I not give her my version if she asks?

inlectorecumbit Sat 09-Apr-16 19:32:43

i wouldn't waste my time, her loyalties lie with him and l would imagine she will believe his events rather than yours. Seriously go back to no contact, you will be happier in the long run flowers

springydaffs Sat 09-Apr-16 19:46:58

Sorry, I don't know the history. Perhaps posters on here do know the history and are heartily supporting you because they know abuse in involved? Because to cut off your mother because of 'negativity' is a very harsh sentence to put on her. It's not called 'going nuclear' for nothing.

I'm not pointing fingers here - NC with a lot of my family. I understand toxic families, what goes on, etc etc and that sometimes NC is the only way. But if it isn't the only way then low contact, however uncomfortable, could be a compromise - for the sake of your mother. Losing a child is extraordinarily painful and gets worse as time goes on.

It's also not necessary for you to play happy families. There are many grades in between.

Imbroglio Sat 09-Apr-16 19:53:26

Springy I was convinced by the brother's email - just felt very insincere.

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