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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Would having a second child make the relationship better

38 replies

hollowintheriver · 09/04/2016 12:01

I'm 24, with one DS who is 6 and is SN.

DS dad is not a good dad to DS at all, he often fails to pick him up, he doesn't give me any child maintenance and he expects me to always come to my aid.

I haven't properly broken up with him, but the reason I decided to go NC/ minimal contact with him was because he would often call me if he wanted me to go round his place to have sex, we were together for 8/9 years, I asked him numerous of times to take me out but he would often refuse, or make up excuses.., also he was physical abusive towards me for a couple of years, and still continues to use threats. Yesterday, he even accused me of seeing another man after I refused to go to his place. This was before he told me that the reason why he didn't want to go out with DS and I was because he thought I wanted to show off to the world that we are a family.

Anyway, a couple of months ago I got pregnant while on the pill, I sadly decided to terminate the pregnancy as I didn't want to bring a child into our messed up relationship. But I'm starting to regret my decision and I think about my unborn baby every single day. DS dad knows that I'm still upset and has offered to give me another child. But I'm not so sure. It also doesn't help that one of my best friends is pregnant, and that all my friends around me are recently pregnant. It's just a constant reminder.

I was also wondering if a second child does fix a relationship, would he suddenly become a doting dad to both DS and his future child?

OP posts:

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HolgerDanske · 09/04/2016 12:03

No. It doesn't work that way. Ever.

magoria · 09/04/2016 12:03

No.

sooperdooper · 09/04/2016 12:03

No, just no. It's a terrible idea and it won't change him at all, you need to move on from him, he sounds awful

crazycatdad · 09/04/2016 12:04

I don't even need to read your post to know that the answer is no.

ShesAGreatGas · 09/04/2016 12:05

No

howmanyairmiles · 09/04/2016 12:06

NO NO NO.

Of all the ideas I have seen on this site, this has to be the worst.

Has there ever been a relationship "fixed" by having another child?

PurpleDaisies · 09/04/2016 12:07

No. Children do not fix broken relationships.

SmallBee · 09/04/2016 12:08

No no no no no.

He doesn't care about your current DC, he doesn't care about you, why on earth would he suddenly care about all three of you if you have another child?

AnyFucker · 09/04/2016 12:09

This cannot be a serious question ?

hollowintheriver · 09/04/2016 12:11

It's sadly is a serious question Any. I'm still grieving for the child I aborted and I guess I'm wishfully thinking. It's hurts me when I see all my close friends getting pregnant around the time I had the termination.

OP posts:

MorticiaLiverish · 09/04/2016 12:11

No. Definitely not.

Why are you even still seeing this bloke? He is a complete twat and treats you like shit, you deserve better. Stop having sex with him and DO NOT have another child with him.

TheNaze73 · 09/04/2016 12:12

Crap idea. Sorry to be blunt

PurpleDaisies · 09/04/2016 12:12

DS dad knows that I'm still upset and has offered to give me another child.
Give you another child? Not have a baby together?

hollowintheriver · 09/04/2016 12:13

I've stopped seeing him, but before when I was talking to him and that how sad I was about terminating my recent pregnancy, he say things like "I'll give you another one" etc.

OP posts:

InaMay · 09/04/2016 12:15

That would be a no. Seriously, OP, you cannot be this naive. Can you? I've heard of a band-aid baby, but this would be a full body cast baby. A very, very bad idea. If you want another baby, great. Build that image into your future. A future with another man, a good man. Not this using waste of space.

LeaLeander · 09/04/2016 12:15

Why are you with this loser?

You are young and already have a major commitment and duty to your special needs child. Focus on him, your education, your career and bettering your lot in life. Not on men and more kids.

Do not lead your life by what you see friends doing. Very immature attitude. Perhaps counseling would be useful to help you sort out your responsibilities and priorities.

Taylor22 · 09/04/2016 12:16

No a band aid baby is not a good Idea!
All it would result in is another innocent child in the middle of this ridiculous mess.

DorynownotFloundering · 09/04/2016 12:16

You deserve more than this.
Your DS deserves better than this excuse of a dad. He is a sperm donor not a father, a real dad regardless of genetics steps up to the plate and has more to do with his child.

Do yourselves both a favour - do NOT go anywhere near this man, don't even think of having another baby with him.

See your GP for help getting over your lost baby and to get some help
building your self esteem so you can see him for what he really is.

TheOptimisticPessimist · 09/04/2016 12:18

If he's a bad father now he'll just be a doubly bad father with another child. Get out of this relationship, for your own sanity and for your child.

Wolfiefan · 09/04/2016 12:20

No. Just no.
You need to focus on recovering from the loss. Have you tried counselling?

ShesAGreatGas · 09/04/2016 12:20

That is a really sad post, hollow.

You are a young woman and a mother. The best thing you could do for yourself and your child is to extricate yourself from this awful man and forge a better life for yourself. Think about how you are going to build a better future for you and your child. Don't waste your youth hanging around this deadbeat letting him manipulate you into becoming even more dependent on him!

You have years and years ahead to find a better relationship and possibly have more children. You could have a chance of being genuinely happy, loved and respected. But if you continue to allow this guy to piss you about and play with your emotions, you won't find that happiness.

hollowintheriver · 09/04/2016 12:21

I knew the answer , and I'm still grieving for the child that I terminated. Apparently it's called post abortion something, and people wanting another baby to take away the pain of their previous loss. I guess that's what I'm going through.

I'm nearing the end of my degree and I can't concentrate at all, I'm planning to start my PGCE in teaching this September or the next, how can I concentrate after everything I'm going through. I'm just so sad.

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Chinks123 · 09/04/2016 12:21

Sorry op but I would say 1000% no, you say he is not a good dad, no child maintenance etc so for that alone I would say no. I don't think anyone would plan a second child with a man they know is not a good dad.

Children do not fix relationship, this is very naive but common thought. They make it harder, and if children fixed things why isn't he there for your DS. What would be so different about another baby? It is just another child for him to not see or pay for.

If you want another child please break ties with him, build a new future for you and your DS and you will find a man who wants to have a baby with you.

Chinks123 · 09/04/2016 12:23

also hugs and sorry to hear you're feeling sad, hopefully if you start to move away from him you can in time start to be yourself again

HolgerDanske · 09/04/2016 12:23

Oh bless you I'm so sorry, I should have picked up on that but read it quite quickly.

I can understand that you are heartbroken. But no. It won't heal anything.

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