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Busy single parent missing sex

(45 Posts)
1DAD2KIDS Fri 08-Apr-16 23:20:53

So I am refurbish the house me and my ex used to live in to get it back on the market after the last tennants trashed the place. I getting the bathroom sparkly clean when I remembered the hot steamy sex we had in that bath tub once after work. It brought back a great memory then really strong sadness. I am full time worker and single parent and currently a builder/painter and decorator too in what little free time I have till the house is sorted. In fact I have had to use valuable time off work to do the work on the old house. Anyway I am super busy and when not at work and am busy raising young kids.

That memory made me feel really horny. Me and my ex without going into too much detail had a very good and exciting sex life. We were very compatible in that respect. Now I am a single parent I don't get any free time/oppertunity to meet anyone. It feels like I am never going to have sex again. Almost like I have become a nun. It's a massive come down when you used to have such a good sex life and have a fairly high drive. Of course the kids always come first and the are worth the sacrifice. But I am 32 and feel the best years are slipping away from me.

Anyone here know the feeling?

TheNaze73 Sat 09-Apr-16 07:27:00

I think it's part of the massive personal shift, when a relationship dissolves. The day to day familiarity is one thing but, the sex disappearing leaves a massive hole. (No pun intended) especially when it was good like you say and frequent. Even when things were bad with my ex before we split, we were still able to DTD at least thrice a week. Totally feel for you. Any ideas, what you'll do to replace it?

1DAD2KIDS Sat 09-Apr-16 09:15:15

No a clue. Don't see how you can replace it. Also I wouldn't want to replace it as my desires are part of what makes me and I wouldn't want to change or suppress anything. But it also saddeneds me and I don't see a solution.

Greta28 Sat 09-Apr-16 11:46:47


Hissy Sat 09-Apr-16 13:19:46

Get an army of babysitters and get back out there love!

threewords3 Sat 09-Apr-16 15:06:41

As Greta suggested... Tinder

LucyLocketLostIt Sat 09-Apr-16 15:09:14

Yes, tinder!

1DAD2KIDS Sat 09-Apr-16 15:33:40

There are occations when I can get a babysitter but these times are few and far between and their mum see's them about once a month (she moved a fair bit away from us). Can you just get a casual hook up just like that? Has anyone done that before? How successful was it?

Sorry this is a whole new world to me. If I try tinder what do I put in my profile? How can I tell if a woman is after the same thing? I can imagine there not being many women on there who are up front about being after the same thing? I don't like games and I don't like to mess anyone about. Just be nice to meet someone in the same situation as me after the same thing. Are they out there?

HelenaDove Sat 09-Apr-16 17:03:27

If a casual hook up is what you are after be honest about it to potential partners and you should be fine.

1DAD2KIDS Sat 09-Apr-16 18:07:29

You know this post was started of as just letting of steam about the situation I am in and how its a bit rubbish. i didnt think i could do something about it. It can be quite isolating beinh a single dad. But maybe it has shown me I can do something about it.

If I am honest hopefully I would like more than a causal hook (it all depends on what you define a causal hook up to be). Preferably i would like to find a good occational sexual partner (as really do have little free time) as things are really more fun when there is chemistry and everyone is comfortable around each other. Someone with the same imagination and sense of adventure. I suppose someone in the same predicament as me would be ideal. I have given up so much the raise the kids (non of which I regret). But I am surrounded by kids tv, nappies and toys everyday and it feels I have lost a big bit of who I am.

But can I really just get on Tinder and lay my cards down on the table? I am a decent human with human desires but I am so worried that people would just veiw me as some kind of creep. Is this really a good idea or am would I just be setting my self up for an embarrassing fall?

HelenaDove Sat 09-Apr-16 18:15:32

e)." Preferably i would like to find a good occational sexual partner (as really do have little free time"

You dont sound too sure of what you really want. It sounds like fwb but thats supposed to be mutually beneficial.

A woman you have set your sights on could easily get the impression that you only want to see her when you have nothing else on and she would have to see you working around your timetable.

1DAD2KIDS Sat 09-Apr-16 18:39:04

To a certain extent I suppose that would be correct or to make matters worse if she was busy type when our calenders sync. This is the difficulty of my situation. The kids always was come first and as their 1 and 4 they take all my time and attention when not at work. I could get a baby sitter occasionally and they go to theirs mums once a month. So basically I could get some free time maybe 2-3 times a month. So a FWB would be ideal but a causal hook up could nice in lieu of a FWB (I hate the term, don't know why).

I cant be the only person in this predicament? Has anyone in the same situation ever found a solution or am I bound for a sex less future till the kids grow up? I just want to get that little bit of me back.

Helennn Sat 09-Apr-16 18:47:20

You speak as though you are the only person in this situation. I can assure that there are thousands if not millions of us In very similar situations, ie too much work, too much childcare and too little time for yourself. I am on tinder and see several men like yourself who state they are looking for some fun (reads sex), hook up or fwb. As long as you are honest it is absolutely fine. If somebody isn't interested they just swipe right so you don't match, simple.
Go for it, have fun and let us know how you get on.... 😁

Twinklestein Sat 09-Apr-16 18:54:06

There are sex sites for people who just want to meet up to have sex, no?

1DAD2KIDS Sat 09-Apr-16 19:58:15

I have just taken a look at how Tinder works and you know what I think it's worth a bash. I love the idea that you can only communicate if you both swipe right. So I can simply tell it how it's is and if your both intrested you can talk. I would suspect I won't have too much success as I have no idea of the amount of women out there looking for the same as me. I would suspect I am appealing to a niche market. Although I do live in a densely populated part of the Midlands so it's definitely worth a shot.

My next problem is working out how to be clear about what I am after without coming across too boring or clinical. After being married young and out of the game for this long I am a total fish out of water. Any tips for my profile more than welcome.

MrsRolandRat Sat 09-Apr-16 20:12:18

Do you just want a FWB where you can go to her house or she comes to yours? Or are you looking to go out on the odd date with the hope you may get lucky at the end of the night?

I'm on tinder and in the North West/Midlands and there are plenty of people looking for a casual arrangement. Tinder is probably the better of the sites, pof is just full of weirdos.

I have a dd 2.5 and I agree it is hard to date when you have little spare time. There's lots of people in a similar predicament to you and I. Go for it and good luck.

1DAD2KIDS Sat 09-Apr-16 20:59:11

FWB would be nice. I would be happy to go to their house or have them over at mine. I am pleased with my house and it would be nice to have someone to share my bed with from time to time. Also I like to cook and it would be nice to be able to cook someone a nice adult meal (and maybe bacon sandwiches in the morning). But they could only stay round when my kids are away. I think alot depends on the woman and what she is after too. I would be happy to go on a date or two if things naturally progressed that way cool. The main thing is that we're both honest about what we are looking for. I don't want the waist anyone's time expecting more from me than I can give.

MrsRolandRat Sat 09-Apr-16 21:49:10

You should come on over to our dating thread here in relationships. We are all on line dating and have many funny/good stories to tell.

I think given the fact you are clearly a hands on dad you'll not have a problem finding someone. It's a very attractive trait when a man is responsible in bringing up his children whilst holding down a full time job etc.

1DAD2KIDS Sat 09-Apr-16 22:18:43

Thanks. I will. I just started this thread to get stuff of my chest but now I have hope I can actually work round my situation. Thanks everyone.

1DAD2KIDS Wed 13-Apr-16 21:14:03

So an update on how I am getting on. Signed up for tinder and OKC. I don't think tinder is not for me. The majority of women on there seem to be Profetional types, university educated, conventionally attractive and slim, well dressed with highly posed/very proffesional looking images. Nothing wrong with that and I am sure people are just trying to look their best. I am not knocking it or the women on there just think it's a matter of demographic. I can't put my finger on it but there is just something a bit plastic and superficial about it for me. Although I am talking to one nice single mum on there in the same boat. OKC on the other is working very well. I am talking to few lovely women who are imaginative, creative, intellectually on my wavelength, simulaly kinky and open to my arrangements not being conventional. I love the compatibility testing on there. Think it really helps like minded people find each other.

It has also helped me make sense of my situation and what I want. I have reallised that I need someone to enguage in intellectual and emotional expression as well and sexual expression. Although for me great sexual expression is an extension of intellectual and emotional expression. Don't get me wrong one night stands are fun and exciting too but nothing beats being with a sexual partner who you completely trust, are comfortable with and on a continuing journey of exploration with. It has opened my eyes to the fact you can have non conventional relationships. Basicaly the way it is I belongs to the kids. They always be my priority and I am devoted to them. Therefore I can not belong to anyone else in a conventional relationship. But I have come across women who understand how it is and want the same, kind of like a partner time share. Happy just enjoy each other as on thoese rare oppertuities to be together without any pressure or need for something more needy or jelous. Mainly they are in a similar situation to me. So I am hopefull of maybe finding something that works well for me and for them.

Also as a strange side affect I have notice my confidence shoot up. After years of EA from ex wife and being cheated on and dumped for a far older bum (I say that not out of spite. He is a waste of space that just uses her and keeps getting the sack from every job). Anyway it batters your self image. But now I feel confident, I am back to good physical condition (fittest i have been since leving the forces) and just feeling good all round. Also at one of the stations I stop at (I'm a train driver) one lady train dispatcher has suddenly taken an intrest in me and makes a point of coming and talking to me in the cab if there time. She never used to.

It's a long road ahead but maybe I can find a space to be me amongst the endless nappies, washing and laundry.

HelenaDove Wed 13-Apr-16 23:20:34

You sound a bit happier. Good luck thanks

donajimena Wed 13-Apr-16 23:55:30

It is a long road but it will get better. I met my partner on OKC and I agree with you about the compatibility test. It does steer like minded dates towards each other.

Sweetsweetjane Thu 14-Apr-16 07:20:11

I'm a single parent who misses sex. Do you know what I do? Have sex. It's easy, if you want it you can find it and with nice people too. There are so many women who don't want the stress of a full relationship but still have an itch to scratch! Bon appetit!

1DAD2KIDS Thu 14-Apr-16 17:01:47

Thanks. Although I don't think it's quite that simple for reasons of the market dynamic. My understanding is the market is completely saturated with men and under stocked with women. You lucky ladies. I wager if I was a woman I would be bombarded with offers of sex from all around the country within minutes? Still that is how it is and I am giving things a dam good trying and things looking ok.

I did have one very frank offer in a PM on here on the same day I started this thread. It promised I wouldn't be disappointed. Unfortunately it was a male and yes I was disappointed. I guess he assumed I was a single mum. I suppose fair enough as this is mums net, although I thought my username would be a bit of a give away. I replied to tell him his services were not required, he didn't reply back.

Helennn Thu 14-Apr-16 17:10:10

To be honest I think you are making a lot of excuses and think you have it particularly hard. I am a woman with children at home the vast majority of the time., the same as you, same as most single mums. Yes it can be difficult, but certainly not impossible.

I don't agree that if you were a woman you would have been bombarded with offers of sex within minutes. If that were the case, where are all of mine? 😹

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