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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DP telling other women they are beautiful

119 replies

Kapere · 08/04/2016 20:53

Not mine, but a friend without a mumsnet account. On here to canvas opinion.

Situation is they have been together a few years, both mid 30s, both successful individuals in their fields. Not married, no kids. Both happy in the relationship, but she has been burnt before and is very sensitive to tell tale signs.

Her DP works in a big organisation and went out with his usual colleagues. A new group is introduced, amongst which is a younger woman. Her DP doesn't proposition the young woman, but is extremely complementary and openly discussed with colleagues what he would do to her.

I have told friend this is harmless banter amongst colleagues, bravado etc. She thinks this is part 1 of the script of a cheater.

Thoughts?

And before anyone asks, lots of alcohol was involved, but everyone went to their respective homes.

OP posts:

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pinkyredrose · 08/04/2016 20:54

Saying someone is beautiful - ok. Telling colleagues what they'd do to someone - massively inappropriate.

hesterton · 08/04/2016 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FaFoutis · 08/04/2016 20:56

I agree with your friend.
And it is also part 1 of the script of a wanker.

Branleuse · 08/04/2016 20:57

eurgh, thats not normal banter

DropYourSword · 08/04/2016 20:57

Being complimentary about someone - I wouldn't have an issue with this.

Openly discussing "what he would do to her" with his colleagues - massive issue with this.

Kapere · 08/04/2016 21:00

Interesting, I generally wouldn't have a problem with my DP doing this. Almost like when you talk about your favourite male icons etc and what you would love them to do to you. I think it is pretty harmless.

OP posts:

Herewegoagainfolks · 08/04/2016 21:00

I have no problem if my DH commented that a colleague was beautiful. I'd have a serious problem if he stood with a group of colleagues discussing "what he'd like to do to her". That's not banter.

The HR department would agree with me.

WhatTheActualFugg · 08/04/2016 21:01

harmless banter no way!!!

The best your friend can hope for here is that her boyfriend isn't a cheater but is certainly very disrespectful to innocent, young work colleagues not expecting to go out for a works drink and be the subject of uninvited filthy talk and not respecting your friend enough to at least try and hide his attraction to another woman!!

How did your friend know all this? Was she there?

WeeMadArthur · 08/04/2016 21:02

Your friend is right, if he is openly discussing what he would do to her that is way beyond harmless appreciation. It is so disrespectful of both his partner and the woman, and really quite an immature thing to do.

DropYourSword · 08/04/2016 21:02

I don't think it's harmless. I think it's weird and creepy. My DH thinks the same!

Pinkheart5915 · 08/04/2016 21:02

Telling a woman she's beautiful wouldn't bother me,if my dh did this lovely compliment imo
Telling friends "what he'd do to her" I wouldn't be overly impressed because his a grown man not a teenager

Fatrascals · 08/04/2016 21:03

what he would do to her - ugh. He is gross and she needs to run a mile
"Do TO her" = twat

Herewegoagainfolks · 08/04/2016 21:04

Kapere I've never had that kind of conversation about 'male icons' . However putting that aside:

Discussing a movie star you are never going to meet is entirely different to discussing some poor woman who is standing a few feet away.

It's disrespectful to the woman concerned and to his wife. It would also tend to indicate that a sexist culture is endemic within the organisation.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 08/04/2016 21:05

You think this is harmless banter? Your boundaries are weird

Kapere · 08/04/2016 21:06

No, I was there. Her DP did not see me and seemed too plastered to recognise me anyway. Met him only once before.

It seemed harmless to me on reflection. The woman wasn't super young, but definitely 20s rather than 30s. He didn't talk filth to her face, just on the occasion she left for a while he made the comments.

As a close observer, it seemed a bit OTT at the time (could see him looking at her when he thought she wasn't looking), but on reflection, it now seems harmless.

OP posts:

MuttonCadet · 08/04/2016 21:08

Incredibly disrespectful to all women, it would be a deal breaker for me.

RiceCrispieTreats · 08/04/2016 21:08

The man's a creep.

Does she want to share her life with a creep?

Kapere · 08/04/2016 21:08

Ok it's good to hear other opinions. Her DP is an absolute gentleman most of the time apparently.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 08/04/2016 21:09

If you really wouldn't have an issue with your own DH doing this, op, you're not best placed to advise your friend on whether it's ok or not.
She'd be wise to trust her instincts rather than listen to friends like you.

SuckingEggs · 08/04/2016 21:10

Er, no, this is not banter. It's disrespectful crap.

Are you the husband?!

Kapere · 08/04/2016 21:10

Well she is very sensitive to this type of behaviour, hence me being on here enquiring.

I would say he spent 1min talking about her. That was it as far as I could tell. I don't think anything will develop.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 08/04/2016 21:11

If you think this is fine OP then you.need your boundaries looked at.

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Kapere · 08/04/2016 21:13

Might also add, in the very same drink session, he mentioned my friend a few time and commented on what a great DP she is.

My friend seems to think this behaviour is going to lead to worse in the future (cheating). But I honestly just think sometimes men say things like this (wrong or not), but it doesn't mean they are going to act on it.

OP posts:

RiceCrispieTreats · 08/04/2016 21:15

Cheating is not the only sin a partner can commit.

He may be a creep who is not going to shag around, but he's still a creep.

DCITennison · 08/04/2016 21:17

So, it was you who told her about it?

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