I'm worried I married an arsehole by mistake

[Mrsw28]

Over the past 6 months or so I've had moments where I've seriously worried that I made the wrong choice in husband. I've been married 4 1/2 years, we have two DC aged 2 and 6 months.

DH is tired all the time and grumpy with it. He works as a postman and I am a primary school teacher on maternity leave but I'm not going back to work for a few years now so I'm basically a SAHM. We discussed children before we married and he knew that I had no intention of having children to leave them with someone else while I went off to teach other people's children.

Over the last six months DH accused me of arguing with him when I don't understand something he says and ask him to explain or when he says sweeping statements or outright squashes an idea I've had without elaborating on why it's a bad idea/he doesn't like something. I'm not trying to cause arguments, I just want to understand. He shouts at me and swears at me and has stormed out a few times with no word of when/if he'll be back. He's pretty miserable most of the time and he falls asleep every day in the afternoons when we're at home with the kids (sometimes he has a nap when he comes home from work around midday but he still falls asleep). I am pretty sick of his tired sighs punctuating our afternoons. Last time he stormed out I asked him to go to the GP and get a blood test to make sure his tiredness wasn't down to something medical, he said he would but when I asked him about it a few weeks ago he said he had no intention of going to the GP. This week I've said to him again he needs to go.

Lately I feel like he'd much rather not be a husband and a father and would be happier if he were on his own. Yesterday when we rowed he stormed off upstairs saying he was going to shower and go out. I challenged him about this and asked him what he wanted out of life because I didn't think we were making him happy. He carried on ranting and then started shouting about how I wouldn't be happy until I'd driven him to kill himself and I had his life insurance money (not that it would be loads in case you're wondering).

I know this is a long ramble but I just don't know how I feel anymore or whether I even like him at the moment.

[ImperialBlether]

He must be tired, though, when he comes home from work. What time does he get up? Is it just exhaustion on both parts, do you think, that's making you both argue?

[lordStrange]

You are in the most exhausting bit of parenting with such tiny children. I would be tired if I was a postman and had two babies.

Is he panicking a bit at being the breadwinner for the next few years?

[Mrsw28]

I'm pretty sure I get less sleep than him, but I just cope with it better.

He gets up around 4/5am, is generally home between 12 and 1, I often say to him to have a nap as our two year old naps every day after lunch for two hours. And then DH is up from 1530ish until 2100. I say to him to go to bed or he'll go up but then he lays in bed on his phone playing stupid games for ages. Which is where I lose sympathy.

I'm up until 2230 (later on a bad night) with our 6 month old, up twice in the night and then up properly around 7am. I get no naps during the day.

[lordStrange]

ha x posts !

[HPsauciness]

I also disliked my husband intensely at times in those very first few years, the sleep deprivation 'competition' went to a whole new level.

He must be up very early, is he (or has he been) waking with the baby in the past six months? If he's up postman hours, it must be very early.

I'm not excusing swearing and shouting though, but it may be better for him to go out for an hour if he's losing his temper than stay and say something he'll regret. It took me and my husband a few years to work out how to deal with things when they get heated, but now we know either to retreat, or for him to go out for a short while, knowing he'll return usually having popped to get some chocolate or wine when he's calmed down.

Just because all this is understandable doesn't mean it's easy to live with though, or that you shouldn't aim to defuse the situation. I found the year after the second's birth the worst I think just because I was wrung out by then.

We slept separately for a while, me with baby and him on sofa and that worked better in helping his tiredness rather than first time around where we both got no sleep and couldn't do our jobs.

[Mrsw28]

I think he's depressed about work - not that he doesn't like being a postman, he does, but that he's not in the army anymore (medical reasons - nothing dramatic). I recognise he works hard and I tell him this and that I appreciate it. I don't spend money on myself, I spend a little on the kids every now and then but he loves to spend money and buy stuff that isn't essential.

[Mrsw28]

We've been sleeping in separate beds since baby was born 6 months ago. This doesn't bother either of us it makes sense for sleep.

[Joysmum]

I think you're right to suggest a trip to the doctors. I got to the stage where I had to say to DH that I could see he wasn't happy and that he wasn't the man I married and tgat I was worried it would affect his relationship with our DD and I. I told him it was time to see the doctors because I loved him and was worried and just wanted him to be happy again.

I put it like that, he agreed and ask me to go with him. I'm glad he did because when the doc asked questions, he'd hive answers that showed he didn't realise how his behaviour had changed and she could see from my face that follow up questions were needed.

Things returned to normal over 2 months after a few tweaks to medication.

I'm so glad I didn't get agree or upset, only showed concern, it was the right approach for my DH although others might need a different approach.

[Happyclappy16]

Could you leave him with kids on his own when he gets back or at teatime - sometimes can have too much "quality" time together- you could walk round block or go sit in library and stare into space! My DH was ex postman and became SAHD he needs his solitude and great with kids and I need company! It's so hard though whoever is working/doing childcare

[HPsauciness]

Could you have a bottom line honest chat with him about how he feels about work? I think you are right there is some resentment there, better out in the open and being discussed. I mean a talk where you both take turns to say your piece and the other person listen, even if what they are saying annoys you. Sometimes I think you need a very frank discussion rather than a tired point-scoring stress-letting out argument, it's too easy to get stuck in a rut with those.

[lavenderhoney]

He's an adult and if he says he's tired and you give him time to " nap" it's his own fault if he fucks about playing games on his phone. Yeah whatever and now you bath the DC or cook their dinner then ours then clean. The joy (!) Life goes on, and then you hand over the DC and Go Out even if for a walk round the block.

I expect of you stayed home and " played on your phone" he'd be moaning. And the DC hanging round wanting you.

[getyourfingeroutyournose]

His napping is bad for his sleepy time and making him worse. I can pretty much guarantee this is what is making his tiredness feel worse because I end up doing it out of depression and it means I don't get a proper nights sleep at night and so the cycle continues that I'm tired, need a nap, feel like I've missed out on the day, wake up too late to do anything, get grumpy, find a slight issue and cause an argument over it.
Something has to give with him. Tell him you are worried about your relationship with him. You don't feel like he wants you or the kids around. Tell him you don't want to argue any more you just want a resolution. If he tries to argue, tell him "I'm not arguing I've told you how I feel" and tell him about my situation with naps and depression. He can easily have it and it sounds like his situation can be treated with a better routine, maybe some exercise and something fun to do. He probably just feels like he needs to do something more than go to work and come home. He probably feels like a meal ticket right now. I know that's not what he is to you but he needs to know that with actions. You're both tired as well so you can go to the GP too and talk about you and about his actions.

Start the ball rolling with getting him something nice. It might help him realise what he actually means to you. Men need attention just like we do.

[getyourfingeroutyournose]

Also may I recommend and evening to yourselves without the kids? You seem very kid focused. I get that sleep is easier in different beds to get up with the kids etc but you both need couple time and regularly too.

[Happyat40]

Getyourfingerout
There is nothing in OPs posts that suggests her DH is depressed.
Depression is not about being tired and grumpy.

[babba2014]

It lines up with having 2 small kids and is common even with the closest of couples. He needs to sleep and not waste time on his phone. He probably uses that time as me time but then loses out on much needed sleep.

My dh used to go off go bed saying he is just going to have a little rest and find him snoring away two hours later. I thought wow I'm the tired one with the night wakings and feeding and started doing that myself lol. He was a good dad though but I left out baby with him more. Perhaps your dh needs that so he makes the most of the afternoon sleep to regain energy? Instead of being on the phone.

I used to do the same in the night. Have time to sleep but chat away online on baby websites. The regret it. The answer may be to sit down when kids are asleep and make a plan. I think the grumpiness might be hard to go away quickly due to both of you being tired but you can ease it a little by talking it out and understanding each other. Hopefully it may make things better.

[Mrsw28]

Thanks for all your replies. I find it hard to want to start a conversation with him about things because I don't want to get his back up and cause another argument.

I'll try a few suggestions and see how that goes.

[IncidentalAnarchist]

I love how people decide that they want to be a SAHP, putting all the financial pressure on the other party, then wonder why their partners feel Exhausted, stressed and grumpy

[JanTheJam]

DH had really sever sleep apnea for a few years which coincided with an awful stressful time at work.

He was a fucking misery to live with and I fantasised about leaving.

He quit his job, finally sorted his sleep apnea and is like a different husband. He's like the man I met and fell in love with.

As much as he wanted it to be my fault and for me to fix it the only person who could make the change was him. He could not see that at all. We're not able to look back and laugh but we do look back and shudder.

I don't know what the answer for you is. MN would have told me to LTB and if he hadn't changed that would have been the right advice.

[Theydontknowweknowtheyknow]

"I love how people decide that they want to be a SAHP, putting all the financial pressure on the other party, then wonder why their partners feel Exhausted, stressed and grumpy"

I love how people decide that the other person is responsible for domestic drudgery and childcare at all times regardless of when both parents are there, putting all the mental pressure on the other party, then wonder why their partners feel exhausted, stressed and grumpy to have sex.

Just for balance as this seems to be the theme for a lot of threads.

[NerrSnerr]

Was the decision to be a SAHM joint? Just because you said 'I had no intention to have children to leave them'. Is that why he's grumpy being he's working while you get to stay at home. I can imagine being s postman is really knackering as well.

[Duckdeamon]

Are the DC awake in the night?

He sounds pretty unreasonable in his behaviour at present, especially the swearing and annoyance that parenthood isn't "making him happy", but IF he does not wish to be the sole breadwinner (and assume being a postman is lower paid than teaching) then you are being very unreasonable to resign from your job. Many people would not be Ok with their partner being AH (health issues/unforseen circumstances aside) and that is fair enough.

[cedricsneer]

Usually I read these threads in relationships and am about the behaviour of the man. In this instance I'm not sure though. He does sound knackered and you sound pretty uncompromising (eg your statement about not having kids so someone else can raise them).

I am a SAHM (studying) with a dh who earns a significant amount (6 figs) and I know at times he finds it burdensome - sounds like your dh is finding it a strain.

Added to that the very early mornings and 2 very young kids - with you sounding even quite grudging about him taking a nap (why does it need to be when the baby naps?) I'm not surprised he is resentful.

Competitive tiredness is not pretty but I have to say, when I had 3 very young kids and was a SAHM I expected to take the strain in terms of less sleep.

Also, my kids are great sleepers and older now - I still feel knackered a lot of the time and couldn't be doing with someone judging my tiredness levels for me/ suggesting I see a doctor - it would drive me nuts.

[Snoopydo]

My ex was exactly the same as yours and yes I did marry an arsehole. The bottom line was he didn't want to make the effort to be part of the family especially after child 2. Sighing, lying around, playing on the computer, avoiding being a parent.

Btw he was diagnosed with depression but he was selfish and lazy and far worse after children came along.

I agree with others that these early years are hard for all couples. And I think if he cut the naps and went to bed earlier that might help. It depends if he is committed to being part of the family.

PS don't agree about the sahm arrangement. When I went back to work it was way worse.

[bakeoffcake]

You both sound absloutley exhausted.

He said "you won't be happy until I kill myself". I'd want to have a chat about that and ask him seriously if he believes that or if he's been having thought about killing himself.

You also said he's been in the army, I know people who have had to leave the army, it can really affect their mental health, as they feel rejected, then usually hate the job they have to do. Also, did he witness a lot of stuff that could be causing him flashbacks etc?

You do need to have a calm chat.