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Am i being pathetic? (sorry long post)

(12 Posts)
lilymty Thu 07-Apr-16 15:27:54

Early last year i noticed dh on his phone alot more that usual. I asked him who he was talking to and he told me a girl from work. This didnt really bother me at first as he has always had more female friends than male, who always seem to end up as really good friends with me also. As the month went on he was messaging her more and more and it started to bug me so i checked his phone wondering what they have to talk about so much. I saw that these messages were alittle on the firtly side and she was messaging him alot asking him to come and meet her while he was at work. (They work in different departments) I talked to dh and told him i didnt like it and i didnt want him talking to her again and he agreed.

Fast forward a few months and i deside to skype my dn which i have not done in a long while and notice dh has been skyping this girl while i have been out. I have it out with him and to cut a long story short he never stopped talking to her. We have a massive arguement in which he texts her and tell her he doesnt want her to contact him again until less its work related.

A month or so later while talking things through as im still mad at the lies he slips up and tells me he is still talking to her and again promises not to talk to her again.

So its now been months since this happened and im still upset by it all. Am i being pathetic? Should i have forgotten about it by now? I feel like im lelling it destroy my other than that great 15 year marriage.

RedMapleLeaf Thu 07-Apr-16 15:36:17

No you're not pathetic to be confused and angry and mistrustful given his continue lies and untrustworthy behaviour. No you should not have forgotten about it by now, who would chose a colleague over their spouse? Remember that it's not you or your behaviour that is eroding the marriage.

stitch10yearson Thu 07-Apr-16 15:38:49

He is being pathetic. What could he possibly get from his friendship from her, that is worth upsetting his wife? Does she 'understand' him?
He needs to stoop being such a pussy. and either have an affair with her and destroy his marriage completely, or man up and take some control of his life, and maintain his marriage by stopping interacting with her.

Narp Thu 07-Apr-16 15:39:27

You aren't being pathetic.

He is your husband and he has lied to you twice about stopping contact with her.

You are upset and feel pathetic because how can you trust that this time he has stopped speaking to her? It's a very powerless position to be in

MsFiestyPants Thu 07-Apr-16 15:45:26

There is no smoke without fire.

Jan45 Thu 07-Apr-16 15:49:23

God no you are not being pathetic, I think you are being extremely tolerant, this is at the very least an emotional affair he is having with her, his lying and sneaking about so you don't find out is totally out of order.

I don't know how you can live with knowing what he has done and is still doing - this sounds a lot more than friendship, why flirt, why skype, why risk your fucken marriage for a chat, no sorry there's more going on than that.

I'd have him out on his ear already tbh.

Emptynestx2 Thu 07-Apr-16 16:03:37

Hi, I have no words to help you but I'm struggling with a similar situation myself, I found out in November, he said he stopped and either didn't or started again within weeks. We're still trying but I am finding it so hard to trust anything he says. Keep talking to him and see if he's open with you and leaves his phone in view (my husband doesn't). Good luck & take care

lilymty Thu 07-Apr-16 16:19:18

I know this women is in a gay relationship so i know she has no intrest in having an actual relationship with him. He thinks that because there is nothing going on then he wasnt doing anything wrong but i believe if something upsets your partner you should respect that. I talk to him all the time and he is very open with me ( leaves his phone out, no passwords on email facebook etc but of course i dont know what happens at work ) I want to move on and start again. Other than this we have a great marriage and have over come so much but i just dont seem to be able too.

Toomuchinfo1 Thu 07-Apr-16 16:21:24

A friend of mine is going through this exact same thing at the moment, and I really feel for you both. When trust is gone, it is so hard to get back.

I have to agree with Jan45 - why Skype when you are out? you have to question if this has gone further.


Jan45 Thu 07-Apr-16 16:21:54

How sure are you, could she be bisexual?

First of all stop blaming yourself for this, it's your DH who has fucked up here, not you so if you have anything to `get over` - he's caused it!

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 07-Apr-16 16:24:42

Hmm. If that's true why was she flirty? Is she gay or bi? If it's purely platonic then the friendship is less worrying but his lies are still as worrying - he shouldn't say he will stop talking to her if he doesn't mean it

Toomuchinfo1 Thu 07-Apr-16 16:32:08

If she is gay, then why lie?

Why don't you see if you can all meet up? Sounds crazy but why not, if its totally innocent?

I said the same to my friend, and she tried to contact her husbands work friend . . she just kept hanging up on her! if that doesn't tell you something is dodgy then I don't know what does!

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