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saying no to sex

(5 Posts)
MrsDeathOfRats Thu 07-Apr-16 08:26:52

I used to have a very high sex drive. At times dp would find it too much.
Since having kids - (we have 2 - 3.8 Dd and 18 month DS. Neither have ever been great sleepers. DS still wakes every night and routinely ends up sleeping with me in the bed just so we can get some sleep.
He also has quite severe separation issues (I say issues as he has always been like this, since around 6 months old). I can't leave the room, he wants to be touching me literally all day long. Lays on me and mauls me with love from dawn til the next dawn.)

Since having kids I am exhausted. I am mauled, touched, and pawed at all day long. I am not getting good sleep and I'm shattered. My sex drive had essentially disappeared.
I try to get in the mood for dp's sake but to be honest by the time I've got he kids to bed I don't want to be touched and just want to have a cup of tea, finish all the housework and go to bed.

Dp wants sex. And if I say no one of 2 things happen.
1) he just persists with kissing me and making little noises until i give in
2) he sulks. Without saying anything but he will take it personally and he will sort of tally it (not literally but in his head he's like 'she's said no the last 3 times) and then he will get a complex and it causes a row.

I've tried explaining that I am exhausted and in a sensory overload from the kids and don't want to be touched. But he just says if I let him ten I will become turned on and I will enjoy it. But I don't.
I just wait for it to be over.
Then he looks hurt because he wants me to enjoy it and I try to explain that I wasn't in the mood etc.
Either way I can't win.

Do gets up very early for work so goes to bed early, so he wants sex almost as soon as the DC are in bed. So no chance of me decompressing and being in the mood a bit later in the evening.

Joysmum Thu 07-Apr-16 09:12:23

Have you seen this thread:

ExtraHotLatteToGo Thu 07-Apr-16 09:24:57

How about you go away, by yourself, for a few days? You'd get a rest & maybe he'd understand your POV a bit more? I don't think anyone that hasn't had a 'cling on' for days on end really gets the 'do not touch me' thing. If it's not possible for you to go away alone then you need another proper chat wth DH. You need t instigate the conversation, explain to him (again) that you need time & space to have a shower, read a book, have some time to yourself before you can even think about sex. That if he puts the kids to bed & finishes the housework while you do that, he might find you're in the mood to have sex with him, not in a 'you do this then I'll do that' way, just that you need time to wind down.

Sex is a bit funny though, once you start sayng no, it's easier to keep saying no, than to start saying yes. In a relationship, it's not very nice to feel your partner doesn't want to be intimate with you, ever and it can lead to the breakdown of a relationship. I'm definitely NOT saying 'put up & shut up', but I am saying that you need to find a way to address this or it could damage your marriage beyond repair.

As for your DS, maybe you need to step back and find a solution. When you're in the middle of a nightmare it's often 'easier' to just ride the wave, but in the long run you're better to find a solution to the problem even if it's hard to implement at the time. Good luck!

stinkysnowbear Thu 07-Apr-16 11:26:43

Sulking is the least attractive thing EVER.

I almost look forward to the days when my ultra high sex drive goes down to meet DPs lower one.

Sorry that isn't helpful.

Tell him to stop acting like another child and there's no chance until he makes you feel in the right mood. You are doing lion's share of childcare so least he can do is make a proper effort, even if that is giving you time alone to regain your sense of self more often.

Jan45 Thu 07-Apr-16 12:42:18

Eugh, men like this are so entitled and it's so unfair on you, plus as has been said, very unattractive, sorry but I'd not want sex with a man that behaved this way.

Only hope you have is to sit down and try and work out a compromise.

As for you saying you wish it's over, that's pretty horrible, please don't have sex with him when you don't want to, he has no right to expect it.

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