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I don't quite think I like 'modern life'

(18 Posts)
Icantseehowtomoveon Thu 07-Apr-16 07:34:21

I've been thinking about this for a while and I hate the way everything is, the way people can have affairs so easily and carelessly, how easily accessible it is to get a 'secret shag' and NSA sex. I feel like no matter what I do, who I meet, it's always going to be easy for them to cheat. I don't trust dh (he has given many reasons not to) and although I'd never say anything I always expect something is round the corner with him and I'm going to get hurt. I feel I've had my fair share of hurt now and I really really can't cope with anymore. I think I'm just over thinking, sorry! One of those up all nights! sad

pippistrelle Thu 07-Apr-16 07:43:42

I don't trust dh (he has given many reasons not to) and although I'd never say anything

I think those are the culprits for you feeling ill at ease, not modern life. Why won't you let your husband know that you're unhappy? Can you see yourself in this relationship not feeling distrustful?

Joysmum Thu 07-Apr-16 07:43:52

I understand your fears, it sounds like you are where I was about 25 years ago in a previous relationship. There wasn't the technology them but my OH still found it easy to cheat and abuse me.

Since then, my relationship ended and I was lucky enough to be with a man who understands me fears thanks to my past but that I trust despite those fears. That was a long road because it wasn't so much that I didn't trust him, more that I didn't trust myself or my own judgement and that has been crippling at times and sometimes still struggle with.

All I can say is that I'm glad my past relationship is behind me (I know he continued in similar ways in subsequent relationships) and that I'm glad I made the effort to trust again with a man who is worthy of it. Believe me it took a LOT of effort, but it had been worth it because I'm no longer bitter and negative. The world is a wonderful place with some bad, not a bad place with some wonderful flowers

NorksAreMessy Thu 07-Apr-16 07:44:15

Good morning ican . I think this would be easier if all the sections of your post were separate.

A) don't apologise for overthinking or posting here, that is what we are for
B) if you don't trust your husband, that is a major problem, and one which we can help you to talk through and help you to work out a way forward
C) people throughout history have always had affairs and secrets and sex with inappropriate other people. It is the basis of a good deal of the worlds great literature. However, it doesn't need to be part of your life
D) why would you 'never say anything' do you mean about your suspicions of DH? about affairs in general? And do you mean you would never speak to him? Or to anybody?
E) if you really CANT cope any more with this situation, something will have to change. Just keep talking here and we can help

Icantseehowtomoveon Thu 07-Apr-16 07:52:12

Thanks everyone I know people always have had affairs it's just so ridiculously easy to access now it really brings me down, dh uses private browser so I'm always worried about it, never say anything I mean I would never tell dh how worried I am he would cheat or accuse him etc. I have in the past and it ended badly but I feel I had every reason to. Now I know I'm insecure and I can't go around accusing him just because I can't see what he's doing online. I'm struggling though, my head constantly feels like it has a solid weight on top

Lanark2 Thu 07-Apr-16 08:00:35

You have to trust the core emotion, not the body. Its easy to jump in front of vehicles too, but opportunity doesn't equal action.
I do agree that sex itself has become low value on one level, but the emotion is different. For what it's worth, in this 'easy' environment, I have been single for a few years, OLD and going out, and had only one encounter, and I am bloody gorgeous, trustworthy and amazing company, so it's not as easy as we are led to believe! Even a go on a fetish site got only a few half-hearted conversations. The fantasy of ease is a long way from reality.

Joysmum Thu 07-Apr-16 08:02:36

You don't need to accuse him of anything. Your not in a trusting relationship and that must be so tiring.

You know if you aren't happy and there's no prospect of thing improving that you can just end things?

Why are you so accepting of your relationship as it is now?

Icantseehowtomoveon Thu 07-Apr-16 08:18:49

I know you don't need to cheat if you don't want to but I also think if they 'get caught in the moment' or think they can get away with it they might. I think I could be flawed by my past and things other people do I don't know. You know the stupidest thing, I can't leave him because it would completely break me seeing him happy with someone elsesad

Joysmum Thu 07-Apr-16 08:25:39

That's so sad sad

I hope one day you can move forwards. It's hard for me to think back to those days to be able to remember what it was like to be like that.

All I know is that now I'm in the right relationship, it's helped me to be a better and stronger person. I live my DH more than I can say but at the same time he's helped me to find who I am. I have my own lives and life which means our marriage is stronger for it. He knows that as much as I love him, it's not unconditional and that if he mistreated me, I'd be gone. The difference is it'd never come to that but we both have minimum standards.

I know that counselling mentioned s lot on mumsnet, but is it something you'd consider? You sound so dreadfully unhappy but there is a way forwards. flowers

Icantseehowtomoveon Thu 07-Apr-16 08:30:48

Me and dh don't have that, we never go out without each other. I've lost friends because of him and he has friends who he never really sees but I don't get on with them as they don't like me ( because they have no idea what dh has put me through) the thing is if we break up id be so upset if he found someone because I know I won't be to let anyone get close or trust anyone so I feel id be alone for a very long time

Icantseehowtomoveon Thu 07-Apr-16 08:32:23

I've also tried counselling, I really didn't enjoy it and felt I was being judged. I did go for physcosexual counselling and the counsellor was fantastic but the other ones I've seen just basically told me to get over it?

Joysmum Thu 07-Apr-16 09:15:50

Counsellors are like men, there are loads out there but not all are right for you.

I can only stress I felt the same as you in the past but I did meet somebody who is amazing. My ex has had a whole string of other women who he's cheated on and is single and looking extremely old and desperate.

AnyFucker Thu 07-Apr-16 09:19:53

I think the problem lies with the man you are with. ...nothing to do with modern life at all

You sound miserable and the relationship you have sounds poor

If you want your life to change it looks like you will have to be the one to do it

LizKeen Thu 07-Apr-16 09:29:14

I think you could be confusing your feelings here a bit.

You say you would be devastated to see him with someone else if you split, and yes, if he got with someone else a week or a month after you split then it would sting a bit, but actually, you think you would be devastated because that is how you would feel now if you found he was cheating.

If you split, you would have your own life to live, your own chances to take, new people to get to know. Initially, it would take some time to get over the split and the loss, but in time you would move forward without him, and once you got far enough away mentally, you would be able to see your life on its own.

You are still in this marriage, and your life is entwined with his, that is skewing your perception. Maybe you need to try to let yourself see a life beyond this.

Please don't write off all men just because he is a shit.

I never trust anyone 100% but I don't actively distrust my husband. If he ever did anything to make me distrust him, I couldn't stay. I would rather be single than in a relationship like that.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Thu 07-Apr-16 11:48:06

It doesn't matter that it's easier. Honestly.

I'm struggling for an analogy, but if you found a car, you wouldn't steal if, would you? And if you noticed it was unlocked, you still wouldn't steal it. There will be a very small cross-section of people who would have just resisted the urge to steal it but then saw that it was unlocked and couldn't resist the extra temptation, but then those people were always going to steal a car - you don't want them around.

I don't think tech makes it easier to cheat - there might now be private browsing, for example, but there was always the ability to delete your history. There might be apps like Tinder, but there was always places to go to meet people who wanted sex. And for every way that tech seems to make it easier, it also complicates it - you might be able to arrange a meet over your phone now, but there will be a message trail. Your phone will track where you are, too.

The problem isn't tech, as you know, it's that some people dont want to fight temptation. It seems your DH is one of them. You could lock him in a room and you'd still know he was simply waiting for an opportunity.

There are plenty of men who aren't like that. It won't feel like it - making yourself feel that most men are like your DH and will cheat if given the chance is a coping strategy, a way to rationalise staying - but there are lots of men who wouldn't dream of cheating even if it was the easiest thing in the world.

When he cheats, will you leave? Or are you planning to stay anyway? You could save yourself a whole lot of pain leaving now, and ripping the plaster off yourself. You won't be happy waiting for him to do it.

Icantseehowtomoveon Thu 07-Apr-16 11:55:07

If he cheats I won't stay, what he's done does appear to me like he might of cheated or wanted to, I always thought I would walk away if anyone took the piss out of me! But when it's someone you love it's hard to walk away?

LizKeen Thu 07-Apr-16 12:25:40

How do you know that you won't just move the bar again?

You say it appears like he has cheated, or wants to, and yet you are still there. Once he cheats, you will probably rationalise it to yourself, and move the "if he does...I will leave" bar onto something else. All that does is kick the can further down the road and in the process it damages your self esteem and confidence more.

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 07-Apr-16 15:51:06

You don't like modern life reads as 'I don't like my life ' my life op is very different to what you describe as modern life.

May I suggest you go and find a life that's more agreeable to you thanks

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