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How the hell do I deal with my mum in the long term?(3 Posts)
I have always had a very difficult relationship with my mum. So much so that I went completely NC with her for over a year. Got back into contact after a close family bereavement and since then she seemed 'different', as if she had perhaps learnt that she cannot get away with treating the way she did anymore.
However, recently she has started to display some of the behaviours which led me to go NC in the first place. For example she gets extremely annoyed if she doesn't get her own way, I wrote another post recently how she had strop because we were out on a day trip with my Dad and DD and none of the cafes/restaurants were taking her fancy, so I in the end took DD to a cafe for lunch (at which point it was already 2:30pm, so quite late). She then turns onto me, saying how selfish I am and how everyone always has to do what I want etc.
She also has no interest in what I say, she constantly talks over me or just doesn't listen. I can't confront her about how she makes me feel, like for example if I said something like 'When you talk over me when I'm telling you something, it makes me feel like you are not really interested/or care and that makes me feel sad' she will get really defensive, denying the behaviours and tell me that I am being abusive. Whenever I have tried to sit her down and tell her how her behaviour makes me feel, making sure that I use really calm tone and language etc, she becomes totally defensive, denies everything, tells me that I am an intellegent and kind person and it is a shame about my mental health problems This is a common one of hers, she will tell me I am mentally unwell and that I am saying all of these 'abusive' things to her because I am clearly nuts. I have had mild depression in the past (which I attribute to my parents!). In the past she has also told me that 'I was born different', which I found really hurtful.
All my life I have struggled with self esteem and confidence. I've always felt like I'm not like everyone else, that I'm not normal. The last few years, particularly during my NC time, I have developed a lot more confidence in myself but I feel like my mum tries to chip away at all that hard work. My mum has always been very critical and sarcastic etc. I am in the last few months of my degree and she always makes the comment of 'oh well you could have done it 10 years ago' or regarding my new job, which is in a new sector for me and one that I really love, she says it's about time I found something because I've never really been very successful in terms of career. Both those types of comments feel like she is pissing on my parade.
She is also very controlling, I think. She seems to not like me very much in that she seems always wanting to put me down etc and yet she is very clingy, constantly emailing/texting. If I haven't seen her for a couple of weeks she will ask what the matter is, where am I etc. She says that I 'need her' and that I couldn't live without her etc. .
I am starting to think that I really need her to leave me alone. She knows where I live now so she would probably start turning up at my house. When I first starting going NC with her, when I was living at my old house, she would turn up and just wait on my doorstop, sometimes up to an hour.
She makes me feel so incredibly uncomfortable, it's a really horrible 'smothered' feeling, I can't really describe it.
Since I've been in contact with her again, I have started to feel really angry all the time. I used to feel like this all the time but it kind of disappeared when I went NC. I think it's the stress I get from her and the frustration of not having a voice.
It makes me so sad. I sometimes think she might have a personality disorder as I can't really relate to this sort of behaviour at all. I would never treat me DD like this, it would make me feel awful if I knew that I ever make her feel even the slightest amount that my mum makes me feel.
I feel trapped. I don't know what to do or how to deal with this situation.
Have you looked at the stately homes thread?
I have fair idea where you low self esteem comes from (her) and yes, limiting contact or going no contact seems like a good idea.
Well you could limit contact to once per month for a few hours. However you may well have to go NC again and go through the hassle of ignoring her etc.
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