Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How old were your DC before they did 50:50 for the holidays?

(43 Posts)
Homely1 Wed 06-Apr-16 21:05:59

I feel my DC is too young ... How old were yours? Thank you.

kippersyllabub Wed 06-Apr-16 21:07:06

What's 50:50?

Homely1 Wed 06-Apr-16 21:11:51

Sorry, I meant 50% time with mum and 50% time with dad over the school holiday period?

Claraoswald36 Wed 06-Apr-16 21:21:35

I don't know but I wish exh would even offer. Dd1 is 6 and would manage fine. Dd2 is 3 and struggles with more than a couple of nights away from me. Dd1 at that age wouldn't have batted an eyelid. They are different children.
School age and up I reckon

LBOCS2 Wed 06-Apr-16 21:32:36

DSS is with us for about 75% of the holidays. All of the half terms, 1wk at Christmas, 10 days at Easter, 4 weeks in the summer. Has been since he was at school - before that we were 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. DH is his dad - he's more than capable of looking after him?

pieceofpurplesky Wed 06-Apr-16 21:51:34

I have to virtually force exh to have ds for a week. He rarely has him overnight as it is. Last year in total he had ds 8 days in all school holidays (5 days in summer). Year before 3 days and brought him back - last year I made sure I left the country so he couldn't return ds early. Will do the same this year. It's not that I don't want ds it is just he probably stays with exh one night every 4 months so I do need that break for my sanity.
The irony is that I am a teacher and his ds from first marriage lived abroad and my ex had custody for half of all holidays - but worked so I looked after dss!
He doesn't have ds weekends overnight as he had 'commitments' to his sport (not professional !). So he sees his son 2 hours Wednesday and either 3 or 6 hours on a Saturday.

Chirstmascake1 Wed 06-Apr-16 21:56:30

Also interested in this. Ds is 18 months. Exdp threatening for overnight contact but I think he is too young. Anyone any experience of this?

Homely1 Wed 06-Apr-16 23:11:55

Thank you so much. In mediation and ex insisting.

Christmas, with regards to your query, I am always told that ex always get awarded and bog standard is every other weekend. I actually feel that that is heartbreaking. But that what a court would give.

Piece, how old is DS and how do you feel being away?

LBOC, was the 75% something that was decided amongst yourselves. It just seems like a long period of time away from mum.

pieceofpurplesky Wed 06-Apr-16 23:36:39

OP he was 10 when we split. I just need to get away as I am a teacher and obviously exh only has him overnight a few nights a year. I hated it the first time but I realise I need that break.

Exh ds (ex dss) was 3 when he started coming to stay with us every holiday. He was fine with it. When he moved back to the uk he was 12 and we did every other weekend and half holidays - and guess who had him!l exh obviously had his commitments to sport.
I comfort myself with the fact he will no doubt do the same to the new woman ... 2 ex wives, 2 affairs, 2 abandoned kids .. 2 very selfish but charming man!

GrandmaJosephine Wed 06-Apr-16 23:44:23

Christmas I believe the courts would award one Christmas with mum, next with dad etc. They will try to be fair to both parties unless there are concerns.

Claraoswald36 Thu 07-Apr-16 08:20:55

Christmas -you need to get your head around overnight contact. It's likely it would be awarded at 18 months unless there are concerns or other reasons. Dd2 went at 10 months and dd1 about 2.9 which was before any court hearings. It's a normal expectation of the courts. Your solicitor will tell you straight.
I wish when my exh had started proceedings that friends/family has told me it was inevitable and I had to get over it.

Cabrinha Thu 07-Apr-16 08:28:56

You say it's heartbreaking to think of EOW... well if the father is a good one, it would heartbreaking for them to have anything less!
Overnights at 18 months are fine.
Horrible for the mother, but where it's just two OK parents who have split, there is no reason the average 18 month old would struggle with an overnight with their own parent.

LBOCS2 Thu 07-Apr-16 10:00:55

DH and his ex had joint custody, 50/50 split (2 weeks at each home). She then upped sticks and moved 200 miles away, taking DSS with her. Enrolled him in school there etc. Joint custody then dropped to EOW through necessity, so the holidays were adjusted to take that into consideration.

But to be honest, apart from breastfeeding there is NOTHING that a mother can do that a dad can't, and DH has always had a very close relationship with DSS, even as a toddler. It depends on the family in question but there has never been any problem with DSS being away from his mum for any length of time.

wallywobbles Thu 07-Apr-16 17:17:54

2&3. It's the minimum by law in France. Bloody torturous for me.

Chasingsquirrels Thu 07-Apr-16 17:25:47

Mine were 5 and 2 when we split.
They were 1 weeknight and half every weekend immediately.
I can't remember holidays, I think 50/50 on most straight away, but not summer - mainly because I work part time and he was full time and away a lot so difficult to manage. Certainly 50/50 on all holidays by a couple of years later (7 & 4).

Chirstmascake1 Fri 08-Apr-16 13:39:16

If Exdp has abusive history and hasn't looked after Ds overnight does this make a difference? He used to shout at me if I asked for help and apparently "not wake up" if baby was crying.

Has anyone read this study about how damaging it is for children to be away from mother overnight at early age? www.whataboutthechildren.org.uk/advocacy

Homely1 Fri 08-Apr-16 14:32:20

Why does law on this country allow separation? I'm so worried that overnight is really bad for young DC, esp where they do not recollect living with the other parent.

Claraoswald36 Fri 08-Apr-16 14:54:46

Dd2 went a 10 months. I can't believe it's damaging that's a bit hand wringy to me. Both my girls cope brilliantly with sleepovers with friends as dd1 went at just 3 while I was in hospital for dd2.

Chloecoconut Fri 08-Apr-16 15:29:13

Every child has the right to a relationship with both parents. Unless one parent is dangerous/ unable to care for their child then as long as the child is not breastfed or in danger then why shouldn't the NRP be allowed overnights? In a way doing the EOW thing from a young age is better as it becomes a way of life not something new that then causes problems.

Chloecoconut Fri 08-Apr-16 15:31:30

At the end of the day if (god forbid) anything happened to you then the child/ren would be placed in the care of the other parent - just because you and your partner have split up doesn't mean one of you has more rights over any child/ren than the other.

Claraoswald36 Fri 08-Apr-16 15:33:06

Chloe - exactly

Twoodle Fri 08-Apr-16 15:33:07

Start the younger the better, easier for everyone in the long run.

Isetan Sat 09-Apr-16 03:37:19

This isn't about you it's about your child and your child has the right to spend quality time with their NRP.

Cabrinha Sat 09-Apr-16 06:21:20

The law doesn't allow separation Homely
That's why you don't get to keep your child separated from their father.

Homely1 Sat 09-Apr-16 06:42:30

Thank you all. What I don't understand is how overnight is awarded of the child is distressed and/or the father has a poor track record.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now