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what is 'the script' that gets referred to on here?

(40 Posts)
MollyBloomYes Wed 06-Apr-16 20:42:15

Just curious really. Husband has a 'new' girlfriend who I was suspicious of before he left. He is adamant it's only been going on a couple of weeks but in pretty sceptical. His behaviour was definitely off before he left (on reflection) and I'd love to know how close he was to 'the script'. He made me feel like I was going mad, it would be nice to know my instincts were screaming for a reason

NotnowNigel Wed 06-Apr-16 23:08:40

The script is all the cliches and excuses that men come out with when they leave to try to make themselves feel better and project that they are decent human beings even though they are behaving like fuckwits:

'I don't love you anymore' = I fancy/am seeing another woman

'I need some space to think' = I need a flat of my own where I can shag OW

'I can't take your moods/nagging/emotionality/neediness' = I know you've rumbled me and I'm blaming you to throw you off the scent and shut you up

'I'll come back and see the kids every day, they won't know anything has changed' = I'm not sure OW will be interested for long and want to keep my options open to come back if it suits me. Meanwhile keep doing my washing.

There are plenty more - keep reading the threads! They are remarkably similar.

RealityCheque Wed 06-Apr-16 23:33:27

It's bullshit.

All relationships and splits are different. The whole concept of 'the script' is a coping mechanism for wronged partners. If you look at anything closely you will find similarities.

VeryFoolishFay Thu 07-Apr-16 00:12:04

Depressingly, it's remarkably accurate.

There's an actual thread, though. It's called something like "Midlife crisis", and us either here in Relationships, or might be in Classics, even. I can't find it or link, but somebody else might.

It's not just the clichés they spout - it's also the rewriting of history and the mind fuck they do.

Some of ChumpLady's archives are pretty good too.

janaus Thu 07-Apr-16 03:32:06

Of course there is no one else - you are the only one for me

FillingMakesMeVom Thu 07-Apr-16 03:37:23

Just outta interest if these are all secret meanings, what is a man suppose to say if:

He has fallen out of love with you,
Does need space to think
Does want come see the kids everyday?

I mean if you're gonna give default double meanings they're screwed either way.

lacktoastandtolerance Thu 07-Apr-16 07:24:56

It's 2nd post on this thread

Filling, it's not us giving those phrases double meanings; it's reality. There's a statistic that men almost never jump ship unless they're jumping to somebody. And if they have a good, solid reason to end a relationship, especially of duration and with kids, it will be something he can define and talk about.

NB "the Script" can also be used by women who are cheating, of course.

ravenmum Thu 07-Apr-16 08:39:31

Filling, no doubt many people who are not cheating use those phrases just as they are intended. But they are very useful phrases for people who are cheating. Just because someone says these things, obviously it doesn't mean they are cheating. But when they are saying these things and also showing all the other signs of being an adulterer (new tan, sudden weight loss, new hobby, staying out strange new hours, being secretive around phone, receiving more messages than usual, sudden change of character e.g. extremely critical from one week to the next), you should consider whether it might actually be a ploy to throw you off their tracks. Rather than assuming you must have done something wrong.

You'd think that every split would be different, wouldn't you? I certainly didn't expect my nice, kind husband to suddenly start spouting these phrases and ticking every box in the book.

Ifailed Thu 07-Apr-16 08:42:05

just remember, The Script can equally be applied to women who want to split from their dp.

AnyFucker Thu 07-Apr-16 08:57:11

Ifailed. ..does that statement assist the op in any way ? hmm

Google midlife for dummies, it's all there (sorry can't link on my phone)

QuiteLikely5 Thu 07-Apr-16 09:08:35

Sorry you have experienced this and yes the script has some validity but only because there's really only a number of things a man can say when he's about to leave.

I genuinely don't think it will do you any good to focus on it though as that would be looking back, nothing is going to change the past and it is only yourself you are hurting by dwelling on it.

The best thing you can do for yourself is focus on being the best you can be and by doing this you will be sticking two fingers up at your ex.

ravenmum Thu 07-Apr-16 09:10:34

I'm also not sure if you can describe the "script" as a coping "mechanism". It does help you cope to understand that your partner might be attacking your character not because you are inherently evil and unlovable but because he or she is desperately searching for reasons why it is OK to treat you badly. But that's something they are actually doing, not just something we imagine to make ourselves feel better.

I have proof that my husband was cheating for more than a year, during which time he made me feel like I was going mad, too. I think you feel like that because it seems like nothing makes sense ... so yes, it does help you cope to discover that the weird "reasons" for them leaving are as weird and nonsensical as they seemed to be.

Getit Thu 07-Apr-16 09:17:22

Yes to making you feel like you are going mad. Making you question everything you do to the point of making you so anxious that you shake.
Suddenly losing weight.
Laughing at messages, texting more often.
Being unable to take days off .
Sudden overtime.
Extra nights out.
Leaving earlier than normal to collect dc from school or outings .
Petrol, having to nip out often.
Mysterious phone calls.
I could go on....

Tearsoffrustration Thu 07-Apr-16 09:24:05

The best thing you can do for yourself is focus on being the best you can be and by doing this you will be sticking two fingers up at your ex.

Totally this ^

MollyBloomYes Thu 07-Apr-16 09:48:44

I'm absolutely with you on that score quitelikely and am doing pretty bloody fabulously it has to be said. However Raven has summed it up well, it's just nice to know I wasn't making it all up!

Crazily accurate. How dull of him

Binders1 Thu 07-Apr-16 09:49:07

Getit - Yep definitely all of that.

ravenmum Thu 07-Apr-16 10:42:38

"The best thing you can do for yourself is focus on being the best you can be and by doing this you will be sticking two fingers up at your ex."

My ex couldn't give a shit what I am doing, and I am not living my life in order to "show him" or prove anything, so I am happy with that.

I've always tried to be the "best I can be", and for me that includes trying to understand what happened so that I can get over it effectively and regain my self-esteem. That is something I am doing to make my own life enjoyable, not to stick up fingers at anyone as unworthy of my attention as my ex.

MollyBloomYes Thu 07-Apr-16 12:17:04

Raven I think you might be my idol. I want to be where you're at and hopefully I'm well on the way to getting there

... Suddenly giving the first shit about whether the dog is walked...

... suddenly (where they have not been before) being really tight with money. They could be spending it elsewhere, or squirrelling it away for their new love nest ....

Ifailed Thu 07-Apr-16 15:58:30

anyfucker
my comment was aimed at people assuming it's only men who behave this way. Having seem close people on the receiving end I think its a valid point to make.

Doesn't make it easier though for the OP, I agree.

AnyFucker Thu 07-Apr-16 16:57:31

Then go start a new thread about how women fuck men over too and I am sure you will get lots of replies

You didn't need to do that on this woman's thread.

RealityCheque Thu 07-Apr-16 17:10:41

Wow AF - overreaction, much?

It was only a throwaway comment from Ifailed. Why the vitriol?

DameXanaduBramble Thu 07-Apr-16 17:16:09

Who made you thread King, AF? It's a perfectly valid thing to say.

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