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If you live close to your family how do you cope when your DP doesn't like them?(179 Posts)
Posting on here as I am fucking sick of being the peacemaker and trying to keep everyone happy.
I come from a large and close family. DP doesn't. I've been described as warm and a people person . DP has been described as aloof and ignorant. He has little time for people he doesn't know and has said often that apart from the DCS and me, he does not care about another living soul. He has an elder sister who he has cut all contact with.
We've been together for 20 yrs and lived together for 12. We bought the house next door to my parents (his suggestion, not mine!) and at first thing weren't too bad but recently he's became one and more negative about my parents and us just plain rude to my mum. They don't interfere with our lives or relationship but dote on the kids and see them every day.
My dad works away and I do feel resentful sometimes that I'm basically left to look after my mum (she doesn't keep in the best of health). DP says I run around after her too much.
He gets particularly pissed off with her coming into our house. During this Easter break or school holidays she'll come in most mornings to see the kids. She'll give the door a quick chap and come in. He says she treats our house like an extension of theirs. I did try to speak to my Mum about this last year and she got pretty upset, saying she loved bei g so close to the dcs and being able to pop on to see them. She was upset that she was causing friction between DP and me. But it's back to how it was now.
Things came to a head in Monday night when I lost the fucking plot with DP aa he had another go at my mum. I'd arranged with Dad to take the kids to pick a toy as a reward for good reports on Tuesday around 11am. Mum wouldn't have been able to come as she's not great in the morning (groggy from various medications). I then remembered that DP had an appointment on Tuesday afternoon so rescheduled with Mum and Dad to go out with them in the afternoon, meaning DP and I could spend the morning and early afternoon with the DCS. Apparently this wasn't good enough and he commented that plans had been changed once again to suit my "fucking mother". I then lost the plot, swore a lot and stormed out of the room.
I got up early yesterday and got myself and the dcs ready and asked if he was going to come out with us but he said no.
I know all families can be hard work but he doesn't seem to miss an opportunity to have a sig or make snide remark. To make matters worse, we have really struggled financially the last few years and my parents have been a massive help buying bits and bobs for the kids. They bought us a washing machine when our last one broke and we didn't have the money et for a new one. Add to all this the fact that they've paid for us to go om holiday for a fortnight. I was reluctant as I felt like they do more than enough for us but DP was very keen to take up the offer which, given the present state of affairs, is a bit of a cheek I think.
I feel like telling everyone (apart from the dcs ) to fuck right off.
Guess everyone is as sick of listening to me as I am of listening to myself then !
Yes you are in the middle aren't you . I can certainly see both sides. The walking into your house with a cursory knock wouldn't bother me particularly but I could see how it could bother others. I think the fact you've asked your mother not to do it and she's carried on doing it shows a lack of respect for boundaries.
But tbh your DP sounds like hard work and not a little petulant. I also notice he's only rude to your mother. Happy to take what he wants from them but not offer them (her) respect.
On balance I'd say the problem was more with your DP but boundaries, boundaries boundaries. Try and start setting them, gently with your parents. Maybe rope your Dad in to help?
Thanks scallop . I do see my DP's point to an extent. He had a tough upbringing with the original evil step mother who gave him no privacy so the lack of boundaries for him pushes major buttons. Growing up, I was in and out of Grannies', aunties' and cousins' houses. He never had that.
When we were arguing yesterday the kids were there (this is a first for us - we normally wait until they're sleeping) and he said he was sick of her coming into "his" house. Ds (8) said " but it's not your house Daddy, it's "our" house".
He took the kids swimming today and I went for a wander round the shops. When I came back he'd locked the front door incase my parents ve In. I sat upstairs and ate dinner kind of hoping they would one to the door and then he would need to explain why he'd locked it.
I don't want to hurt her feelings but I'm going g to have to say to her that she's not welcome in my house. He's said as much.
Can you not compromise OP? Explain to your mum, as gently as possible, that your DP feels a bit like his privacy is being invaded and would she mind reining in her visits a bit and definitely knocking and waiting for the door to be answered.
Also, can't you and the dc go next door to her house more often, heading off her visits?
At the same time, I'd be having firm words with DP about using your family financially and not being interested in any other kind of relationship - looking after your parents as they get older and need more moral and physical support - and just the general duty to be a decent human being and trying to be patient and kind to elderly people.
My dp gets on (quite) well with my mum who does a lot for us as well, but her walking in every single day like that would hugely irritate him as well. I agree with pp-it's not that your mum isn't welcome, it's that she needs to knock and wait to be asked in and I would go round to their house more often too.
I can see his point about your mum walking in, but he's got a bloody cheek taking money from her. I'd also be wary of being in a relationship with a man who didn't like anyone. Life's tough enough without that.
Coming at it from a different point of view... Could it be that you and your mum have a way you like things as one big happy family and you railroad your husband into that even though he disagrees and wants things done a different way, just because that's the way you like it?
Your mum just walking in every day is completely awful. How would you feel if that were your MIL? Every day? He'd have to be a saint to tolerate that with a smile on her face.
The thing is rightly or wrongly you are prioritising your mums needs and wants over those of your husband. The question could be asked: "Why do you and your mum decide all your house rules, not you and your DH?" Your DH has shown you he's nearing the end of his tether. Either you dismiss him as selfish and unkind and carry on regardless or you have an honest chat with him and find a way of living that suits you both.
If you see your mum that much and she lives next door then spend more time there. It seems like you don't like or respect your DH and maybe he feels this and resents your mum taking up so much of your time.
He absolutely shouldn't accept money from your parents.
One of the reasons I left my partner was due to very similar reasons above.
I'm from a very close family, he was estranged from most. He was happy to accept the spoils of the family - help with mortgage, extensive repairs etc but when he was asked to attend family events he had a face like a slapped ass.
my mum and I spent several days painting the house and he went crackers at us both because he got paint on his jumper.
Lightbulb moment - beginning of the end.
She'll give the door a quick chap and come in.
I do this in my DD's house. Unless my son-in-law is home.
In which case I knock and wait.
What on earth did he expect, buying the house next door to your parents? I would remind him that this was his idea every single time he complains. Also every time he complains, you could say "but you are happy to take her money". He is being unfair.
However, I couldn't cope with a MIL who was in my house every day and who lets herself in rather than knock and wait. My advice would be to go in to hers and encourage the children to go in to hers to pre-empt her coming in to yours. So her house becomes the place where you gather rather than yours, hence giving your H his privacy.
You need to move to a position where she is welcome in your house but she isn't welcome to just walk in whenever.
No one has put you in the middle it is the position you have adopted because you're a people pleaser
push over. It appears that you've established the same relationship dynamic with your H, that you have with your Mother and that is, her opinions are more important than yours and she is free to ignore them.
Locking the door should have been your remedy for your Mother ignoring your requests, why wasn't it? Why is her ignoring your feelings more acceptable than your H ignoring your feelings? Your H is a hypocrite and his failure to own his behaviour is piss poor but he isn't responsible for your non existent boundaries with your Mother and is only, partly responsible for the relationship dynamic between you and him.
Let your current feelings be a catalyst for change, your Mother and H's opinions aren't more important than yours but it's your job to stand up to them.
I feel for your Dh, it must be hugely frustrating and irritating to have your family drop in and treat your home as an 'extension' to theirs. He shouldn't have been so stupid to buy a home next to theirs then.
Your mum needs boundaries and to respect that. He's probably accepting help from them because he feels 'owed' for putting up with all the other stuff from them.
Yes, I"m mystified by all the assertions on here that you should only accept gifts or money from your parents if you are prepared to let them stifle and smother you and have free access to your house. He sees your mother every single day ... why would you think he'd want to come out on that shopping trip with you?
OP I think you need to read your OP again. Your DP, has every right to be upset as your DM is really overstepping the boundaries. She taps on your door and let's herself in, even though you live next door you rearrange a trip suit her (because she is groggy in the morning) and when you speak to her about the above, she cries and then you back down .
I agree with a PP, your DP may possibly be more than happy to accept financial help.....as he sees it as some form of compensation (remember no gift is ever free) because of the above
I wouldn't personally do this.
You say you have children, ask yourself this. Would you do what your DM does if they lived next door? The anwser is probably not.
You need to speak to your DM again and ignore the crying/sulking. I would say, that she needs to knock and wait for you to anwser the door
or you will take back your key, that the continual popping in should be reduced as its impacting on your own family time and that she will not be accompany you all on trips everytime.
Do you have any siblings? If you do, how much involvement do your parents have with their families?
Sort of been there. I'm an only child, an ex girlfriend of mine was one of four and had an incredibly close family relationship. They were lovely people but it was incredibly smothering and stifling and the family were expected to descend on the parents every other weekend and stay Fri night - Sun afternoon, including partners (although we weren't allowed to share beds of course unless we were married). My girlfriend would speak to her mother for half an hour every single day, her sister every other day.
I'm afraid there was no way I could have coped with that all the time. And there's no way on earth I would accept my MIL popping in every single day when it suits her.
I agree with PP. Your DH may not be doing it in the best way possible, but I think his behaviour is showing you that he's reaching the end of his tether. Just because you live next door, doesn't give her carte blanche to wander into your house.
I have a lovely mother in law. If she popped in every morning with a cursory knock, and ignored/cried at requests to cut back I don't think I'd find her so lovely.
Your husband isn't very sociable. So why would he want your family involved in what seems like nearly every aspect of your daily life? For things to be arranged around them? He was daft to suggest living next to your parents but he doesn't need to be punished for life! He is being a bit rude though.
Speak first to whichever parent seems most reasonable and explain that you need them to come round less. Perhaps you could take the kids to them? That seems the obvious solution if you want daily contact.
Thanks for all the repiles.
I probably am a people pleaser, I'll admit that.
DP rarely comes along with me to family dinners or similar. I use to try and ask him to make an effort, especially since we've had the DCs as I wanted them to experience "normal" family gatherings like I did as a kid. But at one of the last get togethers he sat with his face tripping him the entire time as his sister was there (this was before he'd went NC with her and they were still talking). She is our DCs only auntie so I like for them to see her when possible. He barely spoke to anyone the entire evening. I was really embarassed. Afterwards we spoke about it and I agreed if he felt that strongly about the family "dos" then he should avoid them. The only exception is Xmas - which he agreed to.
bibbity -I didn't expect (or want because of the above) for him to join us on the shopping trip which is why I thought it would be easier to spend the morning with him (without my parents so he'd be happy) and the afternoon with my parents so they could make a fuss of the kids. I thought he would be angry if I was out in the morning/early afternoon with the kids and he missed time with them so changed the plans as much to accomodate him as anyone else. But he still wasn't fucking happy because I didn't ask him first. I know he's annoyed with DM and I can see where he's coming from but his nit picking behaviour and snide remarks are just getting my back up and making him appear more like a teenager than a 46yr old man.
Just to clarify, she doesn't come in and sit for an hour with a cup of tea. She'll come in and maybe talk to the kids for 10 or 15 mins max and have a quick chat with me. But I suppose that's not the point.
I have one brother. The set up with him is complicated (to say the least) I already had another post on here last week about the problems he has caused in the family. He doesn't have a partner or kids.
Interesting response there OP. You say you understand but then totally dismiss his feelings.
You can see where he is coming from but HIS behaviour and remarks are getting your back up?
The point is that HIS behaviour and remarks are being caused by your MUM's behaviour and YOUR behaviour in allowing it to continue KNOWING the effect it has on your DP.
Fair point. I'll speak to her today as I can't handle this anymore. DH has barely spoke to me since Monday.
I still don't know how things will play out in the future though. I'm probably getting way ahead of myself but I wonder what it will be like when the DCs are having friends over since DC is so fiercely protective of his privacy and his need for isolation (his favourite past time is hill walking as he likes the solitude). That's a worry for another day though I suppose.
since DH is so fiercely protective of his privacy
OP, can I just ask in relation to a comment made by your dcs up thread. ? You refer to your OH as 'DP' throughout your posts. He has called your house 'his' and your children said 'no, it's our house daddy' . Are you married OP ? Or do you have equal ownership of this property on the deeds ? Would you be in a difficult financial situation should one of you decide that this relationship and the parents next door situation, no longer made you happy ?
You really don't see it do you?
In your last post, you've only spoken about your grevience with your DP and his behaviour (which is valid and I understand how annoying it is), however you have not addressed the issue with your DM.
It would piss me off, if my my MIL/mum tapped on the door, waltzed in and saw the DC for 15 minutes every day
Mary. - We're not married. Been together 20yrs. The house & mortgage is in my name as DH/DP (don't know to call him now ! ) was self employed when we bought it so were advised it was best to have everything in my name.
I was made redundant 6yrs ago when pregnant with our 2nd DC and only began to work 1 day a week last year. DP now has a new job.
I'd be screwed financially if we split although the house would be in my name.
I agree with still BTW.
You've dismissed his feelings but not addressed the issue with your mother.
The snide remarks etc are because although he is telling you how he feels, you/your parents views/wants out ways his.
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