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How can I feel better? Do I need some help?(12 Posts)
I'm not sure what I'm looking for really, perhaps some reassurance that I will start to feel less angry, terrified and utterly heartbroken or some advice on how to deal with my feelings. Please be gentle, I am really struggling with my circumstances and trying to keep everything together for my lovely DS.
Ex P of 15 years left me 7 weeks ago. He said he isn't in love with me anymore, thinks we are too different, want different things and in fact "have never been right for each other" That has cut the deepest.
Things haven't been easy for us since the arrival of DS two years ago. I suffered a dreadfully traumatic birth and in addition was left with potentially life changing injuries (due to to medical negligence) that I had to come to terms with during the early months of DS life. It was unsure as to whether I would have the use of one of my legs again after a series or MRI scans and nerve conduction studies, all while trying to cope with and establish nursing with a newborn.
I am adding all this detail as I do think that under the circumstances I have actually done ok and while I appreciate that my resulting PTSD has undoubtedly put a strain on our relationship and affected my behaviours, I have faced up to these issues and sought counselling (which has recently ended) and have been on medication for some time. I went back to work 12 months after DS and think I have coped pretty well.
As I said, I completely acknowledge that our relationship was not perfect, I understood that my anxiety and residual anger from what happened had affected my personality and how I responded to things but I honestly thought I was coming out the other side. Things were difficult at times but from my perspective I saw this as a (hopefully) short period of time in what I hoped was a life long relationship and could see the bigger picture.
We decided together that we would try for another baby. I did not coerce in any way and made sure that he was sure this is what he wanted too. We tracked my ovulation together and it seemed to be a happy time. During this time we also sold our house and were looking to move to a bigger property in preparation for DS starting school. I fell pregnant fairly quickly but unfortunately suffered a miscarriage 6 weeks in.
This is where things went wrong. The miscarriage was a difficult time (of course all losses are difficult) my feelings were I think exacerbated by my experiences with the hospital and all the negative associations I had.
He decided to end the relationship a week after I miscarried. It was exactly 7 days. Stating the reasons at the start of my post. How can he do this to me? To us? I am so unbelievably filled with anger, and now hatred for him that I just don't know what to do. I know you can't make someone love you, or make them stay (I did beg at the time, I'm upset at the loss of my dignity looking back) but how could he commit to trying for another child with me if he felt like this? Or buying another house? There is no way I would have entertained the idea of bringing another child into a relationship if I thought it wasn't strong enough or didn't love him.
I feel like I have been put though the emotional and physical turmoil of this miscarriage when it didn't need to happen. He could have said what he needed to say before committing to these life changing decisions.
I'm so desperately sad that my little boy will never have his little brother or sister. That he won't grow up in the whole family that he needs and deserves. That he wonders where Daddy is and I can't explain it to him. That I am so very alone and don't feel like I can ever have closeness with anyone again. I feel so fiercely protective of my DS, I don't feel anyone will be 'good enough' to be let into his life.
What I'm asking I suppose is how do I begin to feel like a person again? I feel like I'm running on anger and lurch between my emotions all the time. Do I need help? therapy? I feel so ashamed having to go and ask for help after already receiving so much counselling.
Just to add I make absolutely sure DS does not see any of these emotions and try my absolute best to keep his life as normal as possible, although I know he will be picking up on things on some level, which I feel guilt about.
Sorry to add to the essay.....
He was by no means perfect, he had some man-child 'qualities' that slowly built up resentment over time and has done some things in the past that could have been deal breakers for me. But I tried my best to see through these things, looking at the whole relationship and whether it was worth saving. I thought it was.
He suffered from depression (a suicide attempt many years ago) and low self esteem and I did everything I could to support him though his difficult times.
He deserted me at a time when I needed him the most.
Gosh you poor thing. You really have been through the mill, and I can't blame you one bit for being so angry. What an absolute shit he has been to you.
Do you have supportive friends and family around you?
Has your ex been seeing your DS?
My friends and family have been absolutely fantastic. My parents have taken us in and been so incredible. I couldn't ask for more supportive friends and family and I realise that I am very, very lucky in that respect.
They can't fill the hole that's left though. Or take away the grief I feel for the relationship I thought I had. I just want to stop feeling this way, it's exhausting.
He is seeing DS on EOW basis, although I don't think he's happy with the arrangement. I sought legal advice within days so I feel quite confident that I've got that side of things sorted and know where I stand legally.
Has anyone got any words of advice?
I'm findings things particularly hard today.
Perhaps I should have included 'porn' or 'ow' in the thread title.
Didn't want to read and run. You poor thing, you've had a really hard time of it.
No real advice but I've been through utter shit in the past and you have to believe that you will get through it and come out the other side, but at the moment it's very raw and you can't see it.
I think you just have to go through the feeling crap, angry, sad etc, all those emotions, and accept that it's a crap time in your life, you'll have bad days, but each day you'll be moving forward slightly. None of this probably makes sense or helps, but there really is no magic wand, you just have to go through it, sounds like you have a great support system in place (I didn't!) so use them to help.
you'll be ok OP x
Lost it's still very early days for you. You have had an enourmous shock, and anger would be the normal emotion. It sounds trite, but time really does help. My XH turned into someone I didn't feel I had ever known (after 20 yrs) and his behaviour was so bad I ended the marriage. I couldn't believe he would be like this, and even 5 yrs down the line, I still have a feeling of disbelief about who he became (or always was). I don't know if any of this sounds true for you? I am now in a happy time of my life, life is much better without him than with him. I'm not sure I will ever completely 'get over' it, I think maybe when you have been really betrayed by someone it's difficult, or impossible. I think what I am saying, in a rambly way, is that it's really horrible for a while, and gets better. And yes, I had counselling, which helped, and I'd had it before for unfortunate life events in my past. Don't feel bad for considering counselling again. If it helps you, that's a good thing, and it helps your DS too
My situation isn't identical but there are similarities, including being left when I really needed him medically, the duration of the relationship, when he left and the feeling of having left my children down dreadfully, that they won't have a full-time Father.
I don't have answers about how to get back on track, as I am struggling myself. I have had to be open-minded as to the help I have taken, swallowed my natural privacy and asked friends and family, when I might not have before and, sometimes, just got to the end of the day and seen that as an achievement.
It isn't a smooth ride, emotions go up and down. I know what you mean, about thinking you'll never find anyone good enough to introduce to the children.
I don'the have answers, but I do understand a little.
Oh golly. What a time you've had. I don't think anyone can really help you other than listening and supporting. I think this is something that you have to find your own way through.
I always find that having something to look forward to helps. Are there any new films you want to see, anything good coming to your theatre, exhibitions, festivals, concerts, sports matches that grab your fancy?
Also, are you getting regular exercise? It really does help.
Thank you for the replies and apologies for the snappy post, yesterday wasn't a good day.
I'm sorry to hear about others experiences.
I think at the moment I feel like I can't accept its happened. It feels surreal to me that the man who I thought would be there forever could leave me in such a vulnerable position.
Planning for nice things is a good idea, I am looking at a short trip away for DS and I in the summer which is helping, although I I'm worried this will be so difficult for me taking a trip away with just the two of us. Its not how it should have been.
I think.maybe I do need some counselling, it worries me that I feel this way. I'm just eaten up with anger and pain and it.can't be good for me or DS.
It's only been 7 weeks and 8 weeks since you miscarried, such early days so of course you feel all those things. Allow yourself to, all part of the process of grieving and healing. Re-reading your post it sounds like your H has his own demons to deal with, not excusing him at all but just an observation.
Give your DS big cuddles today and try and find one thing to laugh at and take pleasure in. One day at a time...
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