I was 26 and recently come out of a long term relationship and was a single mum with a 3 year old ds. MM was 35 and i worked with him (oh the cliches) we became friends. and eventually he started telling me he was unhappy in his marriage and had been for years and he couldn't wait to leave. inevitably it soon became flirty and he told me he was falling for me. I didn't have MN then so I didn't know about the script.
I thought I must be so special to have a married man chasing after me. but actually what I should have known was that I was far from special...as we all know it is just the thrill of the new compared to an established long term relationship. I was nothing special just a silly girl...but one who was something new and different.
When he asked me out for a drink I said yes and from that first date I fell absolutely head over heels. I told him I wanted him too but I wouldn't be the "other woman" (except, I was, I just couldn't see it because I was a fucking idiot) but we dated for a few weeks and then he left home.
we got married a couple of years after he left. and 9 years after we met he is the "perfect" DH he is loving, adoring, generous, funny, gorgeous looking and a great father - we have 2 dds and my ds (obv a shit one with his first dc as he left her) ...but I will never be happy because I just constantly question everything in my head ....if he hadn't have met me or i had have turned him down, would he still be with exw? he says no but he is bound to isn't he? we also have 2 dc together. but I feel the dc shouldn't be here, that they are a product of something nasty. if I could go back I would change everything. I would have ran a mile....as the whole relationship has been tainted by how it started...I would probably have eventually found someone who was actually single and had more dc If had wanted them.
his adult DD from his first marriage refuses to see or speak to him. she allowed contact for a year after he left but then decided she wanted nothing to do with him. so he has not seen her for 8 years now. (she was 13 when he left) and my DC with DH have a sister who they've never met and who wants nothing to do with them. She has a child too so dh is a grandparent but he has never seen his grandchild. And I totally don't blame her tbh. Because I see how Dh is with our dc and I know it would break them if he ever left
I also never anticipated how hard it would be being part of a "second" family ....everything dh and I have done together he has already done. got married, had dc, bought a house, had holidays, xmases, birthdays, ....it just makes our relationship (and me) feel less special cos he has been there and got the t shirt. I also find it very hard to be around DH family ie his mum, dad, aunts he is very close to them but I never feel I fit in. also dh's dd cut everyone else off as well so thanks to me, his family don't see her either. I am embarrassed for what I did
I cant imagine the guilt will ever go away nor the feeling of being second best....If anything it has got worse over the years, as we married, had dc as it makes it even clearer in my head what DH had with his ex and what he threw away. and how his ex must have felt when he left. I have had years of counselling through relate (with and without dh) and also had CBT to through and have been on anti depressants on and off for years. but it has made no difference. I am 35 now, the age DH exw was when he left her...I am not the young pretty girl he met and now I am scared he will do the same to me. I have thought about ending things but I really do love him and I couldn't be without him. I sometimes think about suicide and how I could end things quickly
feel free to flame away because I couldn't feel any worse than what I do. I know I am a total cunt and deserve this and more. I am not even sure why I have posted this.... I just hope this puts off any potential OW and also makes any wives who have been left for OW feel a bit better because this OW hates herself
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Relationships
never be an OW because you will probably always be unhappy even if he leaves his wife
AThousandRegrets · 06/04/2016 11:11
yeah I heard that too......am just waiting for that day violetvaccine
sorry exwifebeginsat40 
for you ....he is the twat not you, you do deserve happiness (whether with someone or not) and I hope you find it
VertigoNun and Lunar1 Eh? The daughter from the first marriage was NOT treated badly. Her father left, as he was unhappy, however, he continued weekly contact with his DD and also paid child support. He did not abandon his DD, he still writes e-mails now, even though she ignores him now. I suspect that the first wife has badmouthed him greatly, and that's the reason. Which actually makes the first wife a bit of a cow.
Op, I think you have depression. See a GP and seek treatment. If not for yourself, for your dc.
Stop beating yourself up. You were 26, fgs, very very young, and you fell in love. You did what any young woman would have done, in the same circs. You have enough people on here telling you that you aren't a bad person. And MN can be quite harsh on people, but almost everyone that's posted has told you that you are not a bad person. You believe MN, right? 
Ignore the fatuous and entirely stupid 'when a man marries his mistress blah blah' statements OP, they're not worth listening to.
You're not the OW, you are now the wife. This man's daughter from his first marriage has the choice to be in contact with her dad - and was for a year - she's now changed her mind, up to her. I come from a broken home myself (no other people involved) and saw my brothers vacillate between seeing my dad and not. I don't see him myself because he isn't a nice person. If your husband is prepared to be a good dad then that's what he is and if his children don't accept him them that is their choice. He doesn't need to prostrate himself forever for leaving a marriage that he didn't want to be in.
This is your husband now and you love him and presumably he loves you. Don't fall into the trap of believing everything you read here because relationships board is people with (mostly) women who have gone through horrendous times with their own partners and it can't help to colour opinions sometimes. Take the projecting with a pinch of salt and for goodness sake, ignore any talk of 'karma' and 'mistress vacancies'; both are bogus.
I think perhaps some consideration for possible depression would be a good thing. Do you think you could get some help for that if it's applicable?
for you :)
There are some people on this thread that need to have a word with themselves.
We have a woman who refers to herself as 'a total cunt' and is talking about suicide, and some pps are saying that they'll send the thread to their dcs to comfort them?
And another one adding to the guilt by asking how the DCs will feel knowing their sibling was so badly treated?
Good Lord. There are worse things you can do than have an affair. The two things I've mentioned above, for example 
You are beating yourself up obsessively and it's not necessary.
I think if you hadn't got this to torture yourself with, you'd be torturing yourself with something else. I'd seek therapy, not through Relate but through the GP.
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