Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
A female perspective please(40 Posts)
To cut a long story short 16 months ago i discovered my wife was having an affair which ended our 20 year marriage and tore our family apart (We have 3 kids). It broke my heart, but i'm healing and getting on with my life, i've recently met someone new who is lovely and we are taking things steady, not rushing anything. I left my ex after discovering her affair, moved out and am renting nearby so I can be near my kids, take them to school and have them the agreed days etc...
I am divorcing her and we are still to settle the financials and what to do with the family home, she is on a low income and can't afford to buy me out yet still manages to find the money for expensive watches, bags, shoes, clothes and beauty treatments that aren't cheap! I'm paying the CSA (£800 per month) payments, helping out with school trips, kids clothes etc...but not the mortgage (£1000 per month).
Her initial relationship ended and she's now with a new boyfriend who stays over at the family home approx once a week, which i find pretty disrespectful seeing as we are still to agree what to do with the family home, she's even put framed pictures of them together in the home. I know I'm not paying the mortgage, but I have 20 years of time, love and money invested in that house.
I guess my question is am I over-reacting? Am i being un-reasonable because she hurt me and just accept she's selfish, she had an affair, she's not worth it?
I can understand why you're upset but you're not together. You can't dictate what she puts up in her house and who she had to stay.
Try not to give it head space. Concentrate on doing your best to keep things civil for the kids.
I'm sorry, and I'd have said this to a woman, but it's not your home anymore and you'll have to let it go.
It might help if you don't go in, so you don't know what's happening. Or ask the kids about it.
I'd press for some form of resolution regarding the house, though. But you can think that it's where your children live, so it is also your contribution to their living.
I think you're understandably hurt by your wife's new bf staying in the family home. However, there's not much you can do about that. It's all part of coming to terms with the fact that the relationship is over and she's moved on. As to whether or not you need to pay your share of the mortgage - speak to your solicitor. I think you probably do need to as you are still a joint owner.
Thanks for the reply...I haven't reacted or mentioned it to her. I do understand it's not my home anymore, but is bloody hard to let it go. If i'd have been the one cheating and lying and some of the other stuff she's put me through since the separation (too much to go into) then I would think I'd have found that easier to take.
You're not overreacting at all. But the brutality of divorce is the powerlessness we feel. There's not a whole lot you can do about how she's dealing with moving on.
No you do not need to pay half the mortgage. You are paying rent plus £800 monthly towards the children. The court will take that into account.
I really feel for you. We all do. You didn't ask for your life and home to be turned upside down. It's heinous when someone behaves carelessly and you're left picking up the pieces of a life you didn't want to shatter. But here you are.
I'd really focus on getting the divorce behind you as quickly and as fairly as possible. You're starting point is where you're at now. Work from there. That's all you can do. Good luck to you. You'll get through this.
It sounds as if you want her to suffer or be punished because she treated you badly, understandable but the desire for revenge or wanting to even the score will do you more harm than her and prevent you from flourishing.
I do understand it's none of my business what she does, my original question and apologies if it wasn't clear was that is she being disrespectful in what's she's doing or am I simply over-reacting?
@vocationalGoat (great name) Yes i'm paying rent £150 more than the mortgage she is paying and £800 CSA, and my solicitor has advised me this would be taken into account should it ever go to court (So far we are avoiding court).
@odfod - Ideally I want to sell and move on, but I'm trying to do the best by my kids and let them stay in the home they've grown up in. She seems to be burying her head in the sand about it all tbh. But I've asked her to re-think what she wants and to find out what she can afford.
You are no longer together
She doesn't have to be respectful or defer to you in any way
Yes she behaved badly but that doesn't mean you have any right to dictate what she does, she is a person not a thing which belongs too you
What Goat said. Get it all sorted as quickly as possible so that it's easier to get your head round. Start thinking of her as the mother of my kids rather than my wife. If it's easier, nothing she does now is more disrespectful to you than her original cheating actions so try to shrug and thing well that's the kind of person she it. Detach, detach, detach. Put emotional walls up. It would be very easy to pick apart her behaviour but detaching from it would be in your best interests.
A useful phrase is 'Not my circus, not my monkeys' then force yourself to think of something else.
my original question and apologies if it wasn't clear was that is she being disrespectful in what's she's doing or am I simply over-reacting?
As kindly as possible, why should she be behaving respectfully to you? You're not together any more.
@suzannecaravaggio - wanting her to suffer and be punished? If I'm honest, there is some truth to this, and she hasn't had it easy...don't want to go into the details on here but she's had her share of Karma come her way as a result of the affair, to the extent that i genuinely felt/feel sorry for what's happened to her.
I know that one day, if not already she'll find her happiness and do accept that. I've also after 20 years found genuine happiness with who I am as a person and don't want it to sound like i'm extremely bitter and my life is full of doom and gloom because it's not. I've met a wonderful woman who makes me happy, we get on well, she values my opinion, she isn't selfish or needy, I have a good balance in my life between my new girlfriend, my kids and 'Me time'
If you've met someone else who you like this much, try to put your effort into her instead. She'll soon move on if
when she realises you're still so predisposed with your ex's affairs.
Bit a a schadenfreude vibe going on...
You should want the best for her because if she suffers it will affect your children, there is no way round that, let go of the desire for revenge, think about what is best for your mutual children
When they are older they will respect you for being the parent who behaved with dignity
Oh I've got an ex who enjoys telling me I am suffering karma .
You are no longer a couple and although it can be hurtful that she is moving on, I don't see why you want to know if people think she's 'disrespectful' or not. She doesn't need to respect you any more, you don't live together and you are divorcing.
I would say you need to sort out what happens long term with the house. If you want the children to live there then you have to accept that she can invite who she likes to her home.
The word dictate seems to be popping up quite a lot...
Sorry but I having dictated anything to anyone. I haven't mentioned it or reacted to my ex or discussed it with my new partner. I was simply asking if people thought i was over-reacting had an opinion...a simply 'Yes you are over-reacting - its tough, life's unfair but you have to get over it' would be fine.
Absolutely agree - I think its the fact that the 'House' thing hasn't been settled is the main thing that I find difficult. I guess once there is some closure around this then I can genuinely move on.
I understand where you are coming from. However you are wasting energy on things you cannot control. Concentrate on your fantastic children, being happy with yourself and sorting your living arrangements out.
Is there equity in the house. If so I would be pushing for the house to be sold and for your ex to downsize. Your name is still on the mortgage and a £1k is a lot for one person to pay. You really don't want her defaulting on the mortgage if there is capital in it. So concentrate your energies on this.
Remember she was disrespectful to you and your children when she had the affair. She cannot be anymore disrespectful.
"Remember she was disrespectful to you and your children when she had the affair. She cannot be anymore disrespectful." - understood - thank you
There is some equity, but not enough for my ex to buy somewhere else and she is on a low income and would struggle to get anywhere to buy. She's mentioned moving away if we sold, but not sure if this is emotional blackmail with regards moving the kids away etc..
Lweji, when I first read your post it looked as if you were telling the OP to ask his kids about the house. I'm sure that isn't what you meant but it might be worth clarifying.
I read it that I shouldn't ask my kids about it.
Look...I don't want this to sound like I'm obsessed with the situation, I'm not, and I do understand that at the end of the day it's simply bricks and mortar...but it was my home and technically still is and coming to terms with the fact that I've lost it is tough, let alone all the other pain a divorce causes. I realise that i'm not the first or last that will go through this, i'm not looking for a sympathy vote.
I don't think she has him over when the kids are there but can't be 100% certain. My kids have spent time over at his house, and it's not like he's moving in, he has his own house and she does seem to spend most of her time at his. But the last time i dropped stuff off for the kids he was there, he kept a low profile and I didn't go in..my ex couldn't look me in the eye and looked somewhat 'sheepish' which got me thinking about the whole situation
I think I've realised that I just need to move on and let go, I appreciate those of you that have replied with firm but fair replies.
I think your priority then is to come off the mortgage and if there isn't much equity let her keep that possibly in exchange for pensions. Then for you to start a fantastic new stage in your life.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.