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I feel like no-one cares about me(4 Posts)
I am married with two DC, have some friends, parents are still alive, but...
My husband seems to love the idea of me but not the reality. He's absent a lot due to work, is the main decision maker in the house, has no tolerance at all for hearing how I feel about anything, could not tell you what my views or preference would be in any given situation. His lack of tolerance for my feelings comes about because my feelings are centred primarily around anxieties about my life and other people's perceptions of me. He sees this as a huge waste of time (work, debt, schools and putting food on the table are understandably much more important), but for me it is immensely preoccupying and distracting.
My DC are very young (two under 2) so rely on me a lot. Due to DH's absence I am their main carer and it's tiring.
My mother as I was growing up could not tolerate any separateness or difference between us. Every individual feeling or feature I had, got squashed, which led to me being secretive, concealing things from my parents and eventually leaving home early. DF was just a bystander. Despite now supporting them both financially and emotionally, they still treat me like the bad egg. My M will make a point, every time she sees me, about what a miracle it is my DC are ok so far, considering what their mother (me) is like. And many other bits of emotional abuse besides that.
I have plenty of friends. I'm popular. But my friendships are very much focused around the friend and not me. In some cases, it's a position I am comfortable in ( The "supporter/cheerleader/minion") but in other cases it just attracts narcissists who quite like it to be all about them and take advantage until I am physically and emotionally exhausted.
I wish I could open up to someone about how I feel, but because so many of my main worries are amorphous anxieties about other people's perceptions of me, it's not really something that can be described concisely to anyone. And my list of candidates who would listen or follow, don't really care enough to do so.
I've been having therapy. She is very compassionate and has helped me realise what it is. She is an independent person, outside of my sphere, the first time I have ever properly been listened to. But I still don't feel like I am making any progress. Whole weeks are swallowed up with anxiety incidents which I brood on for days, then process with her. But I could easily walk out of therapy and receive a text or a phone call which triggers me, and I am back to the beginning again.
And I've been moved to write this because today has just been exhausting, and I want so much to talk to someone. I could wait for months, but there is literally no-one in my life to whom I could describe the anxiety I experienced today. So I am processing my feelings again, alone, and feeling sorry for myself.
I don't even know how anyone would begin going about getting a friendship or relationship where somebody cared about them and loved them for them. I am sure my DH and some of my present friendships could care about me a lot, but something in my manner or character just can't open up or process things properly.
What do you think I should do?
Do you ask any of your friends to support you/listen to your issues? I don't mean in a demanding way, but just in a way that you'd like a listening ear? Or is none of your friends unselfish - in which case can you try to spend more of your time on nicer people rather than narcissists? I mean it's your choice too who you aer friends with.
As to feeling self-pity because no one cares - you know. OP, lots of people feel te same! they just don't say it, and it's brave of you to be open on here. Tbh I think lots of people, especially single ones, don't have anyone who really cares and really wants to support, some aer lucky if htey haven't mived around and are nice people who made long term deep friendships, but in the modern world so much is fleeting, everyone moving (I speak as a city dweller) and it's impossible not to feel alone often. You don't want to burden anyone, it's very few close friends/relatives who could be trusted, but no everyone has them. So yes, it's tough.
Therapy should help, and personally I'd recommend exercise, especially light (hatha) yoga where they teach you to focus on the body and breathing and this is calming and anxiety-busting. Yes it doesn't last constantly but the frequency will be much less! You sort of also learn to accept yourself and have COMPASSION for yourself - if no one is around you can rely on that at least, it's important to learn.
And as I say, you are not alone! In a way it's tougher for you as you have a DP who is supposed to understand, maybe he should come along to the therapy? but really after all that we need to love/support ourselves which is not easy, but try to learn.
also I'm curoius what has triggered your anxiety today - whose perceptions are important to you?
Hi suprepop, so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. What I would recommend is to continue with the therapy. Try and see it as a tool to help you make sense of your situation rather than a magic wand to solve it.
When you feel down or anxious and need to vent try the Samaritans, they are open 24/7 and are a listening ear for anyone not just those who are suicidal.
Try keeping a diary or journal where you can express your feelings as sometimes just getting them out there can be a relief, and can also help you put things in perspective.
The relationship with your mother sounds difficult and emotionally abusive. Something to explore with your therapist, but I would suggest next time your mum tries the old snide comments about your kids just smile and say "yes my kids are great, and so am I ", and then leave it at that. You can't change the way she is but you can change the way you react to her and how much oxygen you give her toxic behaviour.
Be kind to yourself. You are doing a hard job, bringing up two young kids, with what sounds like minimal emotional support from your partner. Would couples counselling be something you could consider together ?
Always remember you have choices in life. If your friends aren't supportive, you don't have to carry the unsupportive ones. You can choose too dwell on anxious and negative thoughts or you can choose to keep busy and try and keep those thoughts at bay. Exercise helps me (zumba!Who knew!), or try volunteering for a couple of hours a week, will keep you busy and you will meet new people.
The MIND website is interesting and user-friendly, have a look on there for help and advice on mental health. Have you spoken to your gp at all regarding your anxiety?
I found a NLP course was useful in helping me reframe thoughts and the way I respond to / process situations.
There is help out there and you are not alone. You always have us here on MN too to listen to you and support you.
Hug for you. Good luck.
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