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Isolated, alone and trying to raise kids after dh left(9 Posts)
My dh of 7 years (21 years together) walked out on me and our 2 dcs just over 2 months ago saying he needed his own space and needed time to get his head together. He has since got himself a flat, car and a bank account for his money to go into and seems to be quite enjoying no responsibilities and just looking out for himself. I am left in our rented house with the two children 12 and 6 trying to make sense of it all while working and keeping the house running. Am just waiting for the news there is an ow. I have done all the usual ie changed locks (he was coming in the house without my knowledge), set up my own account, sorted the finances etc. I left my family and friends to move with him to a quieter village life and now he has walked out on that. I feel so trapped and alone. He has set up maintenance for the children and wants access which I have never stopped. Problem is my 6 year old refuses to go with him so the only time he spends with her is if I am there. Awkward.com. have an appointment with a solicitor coming up but any advice would be gratefully received.
Maybe, once you get things sorted out, you need to move back to where your family & friends are? Sorry to hear you are having a rough time
Solicitor will be your best advisor
First of all you've done brilliantly with the locks and setting up your own account, finances etc.
I cannot stress enough how well you have done. So many of us fall apart when told a relationship is over, we are 'walked out on' and so on, but you, despite your feelings of being trapped and isolated, have got on and dealt with the practicalities in an admirable way.
First of all you need to stop facilitating your six year old spending time with your ex. She doesn't want to, and that is not your problem, it is his. You need to make this clear to him in no uncertain terms. Her reluctance has nothing to do with you but everything to do with him and what he has done. Your role, after he has left you and his children, walked out on you - is not to facilitate his access - it is to make yours and your children's well-being paramount, and unfortunately for your ex, that doesn't necessarily involve catering to his whims, needs and requirements.
He is paying maintenance for the children because he has to. If he stops doing it voluntarily then the law will determine that he must continue to do it - so don't give him any Brownie points for that.
Seeing a solicitor is of course a priority - to protect yourself and your children - but there is another aspect to this, and that is your mindset.
Your husband has rejected you, your children and his life within your family unit. There may well be another woman (there usually is) but it seems from what you have written that you are already prepared for that.
Whether there is nor not, the point is that he has rejected/discarded you - and you have three choices here - to wallow, survive, or thrive. Most of us, once we get over the trauma of separation and divorce tend to veer towards the 'thrive' option.
From what you've written in your OP I think you are also of the 'thrive' persuasion. It's just a case of getting over the shock and sense of rejection, gathering your senses, and marshaling a plan of action.
See that solicitor as soon as you can and stop facilitating your ex. His relationship with his kids is his concern - not yours. If little one doesn't want to see him, then tell him straight. He cannot use his child maintenance as a bargaining tool - he will be obliged to pay that anyway.
A lot of threads on MS are very upsetting, but there is something about the way you write and what you say that tells me you are going to be just fine OP. A few months down the line and I think you will have a new lease of life, and be the strong one ... while things for your 'ex' with his new pad, bank account and fancy free lifestyle ... might not pan out quite as he hoped.
So sorry to hear that this has happened. Are there any single parents near you or parents via school that you might be able to befriend?
What is the village like? Are there any networks you could access? even helping out at the schools might lessen your isolation?
When is your solicitor's appointment?
How feasible is it for you to move nearer to your friends and family? If it isn't too far for the children to have regular contact with their dad, that might be the best solution for you.
Remember too, it's still very early days for you. You need to give yourself time to adjust, get over what's happened and get used to just living with the dc.
In time you might find you enjoy your new life, take pride in your independence and freedom to live how you want. You are in charge now, your choices do not have to take him into account at all any more.
Thank you all for your messages of support. I now live in quite a remote village in the north of Scotland while most of my friends and family are in the south of England so not easy to get back to. I do work albeit part time so that keeps me going during the week. Guess im just finding it all overwhelming not only dealing with how im feeling but my 12 year old has taken this very badly. An awkward age anyway and a lot of his anger and frustration bought on by his dad leaving is vented at me. My appointment is at the end of the month.
Just saying hello. Similar but different situation but I understand the isolation (which I feel, even though I live in a city) and the burdens.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
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