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Need someone to talk to

(19 Posts)
Icantseehowtomoveon Tue 05-Apr-16 21:18:51

Me and dh been married over a year, I can't help but feel I don't know him. I know men watch porn but he's so sneaky with it it worries me. He likes to look at men dressed as women (I've saw it in his history on his phone and our laptop) I know I should not look, he uses private browsing now so I don't bother looking. I've spoken to him about it he says obviously he's embarrassed doesn't want me to see him watching it etc. I've saw him looking at casual sex sites before I'm just so worried he isn't the person I thought he was. Whenever he's in the other room I'm paranoid, we are moving house in 2 weeks time, im terrified incase he's downstairs doing God knows what. We aren't great, hardly much sex but we have a ridiculously busy life, kids, work, Ill family etc. i feel quite down and I think he does too I'm worried about our future and I'm worried about myself sad

Icantseehowtomoveon Tue 05-Apr-16 21:49:09


pocketsaviour Tue 05-Apr-16 21:54:04

When you've spoken to him about this before, have you told him how you feel? Actually, do you know how you feel, as your post only says you are "worried" that he's not the person you thought he was. Are you worried that he's cheating, or is looking to?

Icantseehowtomoveon Tue 05-Apr-16 21:57:01

I've told him how it makes me feel, I think he can see it too he knows he's 'hurt' me as he says. Maybe? I don't know... I don't think he's cheating now but I think he may have? I'm worried that I don't know what he's actually looking at it could be anything?

honeyandmarmitesandwiches Tue 05-Apr-16 22:28:31

The secretiveness is worrying, I completely get where you're coming from with that. Without being able to be open and honest in a relationship you're on pretty shaky ground. I'm not saying you can't get this sorted but it needs tackling head on otherwise you will just continue to feel paranoid and unsure and that's no way to live. It's horrible feeling you don't know the person you're supposedly closest to. Out of interest, how long were you together before marrying? Did you live together as well? It's odd the way this behaviour seems to have surfaced after the marriage and with the kind of stuff he's into it does seem as if he's been dishonest from the get go. It's fairly significant information that he likes to watch men dressed as women, fine if it was something he was open about from the start and you were comfortable with his explanation etc but that's not the case here. I guess an obvious question to raise is, is he even being honest about his sexuality, either with himself or with you? I'm no expert and I'm definitely not judging, people have all kinds of fantasies and turn ons but that doesn't sound particularly heterosexual to me. Do you have any idea how much he looks at this particular type of porn? As in, does it seem to be a bit of a compulsion for him?

Wuffleflump Tue 05-Apr-16 22:53:30

Are you hurt by the porn, or the secretiveness? If the porn itself, he's kind of in a catch 22: he hurts you either way.

Are you not having a lot of sex because of one or other of you refusing, or scheduling, or something else? If he wants sex but you're not up for it (and there's no reason you should have to be all the time) then seeking another outlet is not surprising. What outlet would be acceptable to you?

However, if you want sex but he's refusing, then looking at porn, that would be more worrying.

It seems like you need a no-blame, open conversation about sex: who wants what, problems with having what you want and how to resolve them.

Looking at porn is not the same thing as seeking an affair. Those are different behaviours. Looking at porn that does not reflect your actual sex life (nor even a desired sex life) is not unusual. I mean who actually has a sex life like porn, or wants it?

Icantseehowtomoveon Tue 05-Apr-16 23:02:15

I never refuse sex, in fact I usually instigate it. I haven't a problem with porn I think It's the secrecy, as seeing him looking at other things, makes me think he could actually be looking or doing anything and I'm none the wiser! I have spoken to him regarding sexuality etc he's a very 'manly man' and won't admit he likes what he does it's very odd as these people are men, they don't look like women. There's various things I worry about, he lies about things like in a previous job he lied about working with women? Out of respect for me he said? I only found out because he deleted texts from a female collegue again out of respect?

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard Tue 05-Apr-16 23:07:41

How long were you together before you got married? and are the children yours together, how old are they?

The secrecy and lying would worry me to be straight with you.

Icantseehowtomoveon Tue 05-Apr-16 23:11:32

We were together about 4 year and lived together around a year before marrying, yes they are ours they are 1 and 3 yeah it's just strange it's like there's always been something but it's just all surfacing lately

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard Tue 05-Apr-16 23:39:59

It's not as though you rushed things then. All I have to go on is that I believe you should trust your gut instincts. You need to talk, properly talk.

AnyFucker Tue 05-Apr-16 23:44:39

He's a secretive kinda guy ain't he ?

Porn, dating apps, lying about who he works with and deleting conversations with other women ?

No wonder you don't trust him...he sounds completely unworthy of your trust

And if I had a pound for every woman that said "I don't have a problem with porn, but....."

Icantseehowtomoveon Tue 05-Apr-16 23:59:41

I really don't have a problem with porn I watch it myself, always have. But I'm not the type to hide anything. He's started a new job, he's mentioned every male he works with and their girlfriends, no one else, obviously women work with him, why does he think I'm bothered? Men work with me? I find it very odd. I suppose I've been insecure in the past I once found out very early on he went out with a male friend and two women for a night out and I was a bit confused by that. Again he didn't tell me 'out if respect'?? We have talked and talked I doubt there's anything we could talk about more but I mean how would I know if he was telling me the truth? He's not going to say oh yea I'm doing this and that? I just find him hard work. I don't think he's cheating he's always at work or home but I just can't help but worry what he's up to with this private browsing it's strange to me? He's not very adventurous either, sex is always the same in bed that's it.

honeyandmarmitesandwiches Wed 06-Apr-16 00:11:08

It's not 'out of respect' not to tell you he went out with two women from work. It's completely the opposite really isn't it? What a bullshit thing to say to you. And the casual sex sites as well... It's not adding up to a great picture confused.
Ultimately it's all about trust isn't it? You don't want to keep feeling like this for months and years into the future. He's being very shifty...I don't know what to advise other than stand your ground and don't let him think this kind of behaviour is ok. I second the other posters suggestion that you have a very honest conversation (if he's willing and able), make it clear you're not judging him but you need honesty and see if you can clear the air. But if he carries on keeping secrets, are you going to be happy staying with him?

honeyandmarmitesandwiches Wed 06-Apr-16 00:16:10

When you say "there's always been something", are you talking about these kinds of secretive behaviour particularly around sex, porn, women etc?

Icantseehowtomoveon Wed 06-Apr-16 09:05:13

It wasn't women from work he was out with his friend and two women his friend knows, to me it sounded like a double date. Yeah there's always been something he's been secretive about, I let things go at the start but then I slowly realised things, I never actually realised he watched porn until lately when I saw all that stuff on the laptop, it's the lies, I feel like he's always lied even if he hadn't he's given me that feeling now!

AnyFucker Wed 06-Apr-16 11:54:56

He had a double date ?

You are OK with this ? confused

honeyandmarmitesandwiches Wed 06-Apr-16 18:22:55

He sounds totally dishonest tbh confused.

I know it's not easy but trust your instincts here. Will you truly be happy if you continue with this man?

The dishonesty needs to be addressed, no making excuses or trying to turn it around on you: he needs to own this behaviour and come to see a counsellor at the very least. If you show him you are 100% serious he may decide to step up and start trying to earn back your trust, he may not but at least you will be one step closer to a resolution.

Icantseehowtomoveon Wed 06-Apr-16 20:10:23

He didn't have a double date he just was out with male friend and two women which sounds to me like a double date but he said it wasn't. That was years ago anyways I dunno why I brought it up. We have tried the whole counselling etc and he says he is honest but I don't think I can believe him after everything, I feel like my world has been turned upside down

honeyandmarmitesandwiches Fri 08-Apr-16 00:39:15

How are you doing today OP? Any more thoughts about this or have you talked to your DH?

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