How the hell do I deal with absent parents

[shopaholic999]

I've been a lurker for some time now, not really posted before!!

I just wanted to ask those who've been in similar situations about how they deal with or have dealt with absent parents?

For some background: I've recently figured out that my dm has been quite controlling and emotionally abusive for most of my adult life! I've recently told her that enough is enough with regards to dropping me like a hot spud when ever it suits! It's mentally draining and I can't deal with our relationship anymore! Cutting contact has been the hardest thing I've had to do. It's not only me that suffers, but my dc's do to (she used to constantly undermine me and take the role of parent instead of gp), she's shown lack of respect in front eldest dc which I can no longer let happen! There is A LOT more to it all than this that I won't go into, just didn't want it to appear to look like I've gone NC over something and nothing!

My bio dad didn't want anything to do with me from birth, and the man that brought me up has let contact slide..I'll take some responsibility for that as I used to prefer meeting up with friends instead of spending it in his house doing nothing (he didn't take him and my mum divorcing very well). And perhaps with me not being his real daughter, he found it easier to care less about maintaining contact.

Now the thing is, I have a brilliant dh, fantastic kids, I love my inlaws and have a cracking group of friends but I can't shake the feeling of sadness because apart from quite distant cousins and aunties (who I see occasionally throughout the year, Xmas, family do's and the odd visit) I don't have anyone immediate to share my children with. I know I should be grateful for those who I have around me but sometimes it's not enough, of course it Is enough but there's an obvious missing link.

I keep asking myself, wtf is wrong with me when my bio dad didn't want to know (who may I add, that I bump into him every now and again) my step dad couldn't care less and now my own mum can quite happily walk away! The feeling of rejection is gut wrenching!

Sorry for rambling but there's only so much people in RL want to listen to and it actually helps writing everything down! I was at the docs yesterday having my post natal check and when asked about my mood etc, I just skirted around the subject when I just wanted to sit there and lift the world from my shoulders.

I know in the grand scheme of things, I am very fortunate but I suppose I'm grieving the relationships that have never been it could of been!