Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Will it ever get better?

(6 Posts)
Whattodo26 Tue 05-Apr-16 11:22:39

About a year ago I was just getting back together with my ex after we had a bit of a break for a month. We were still sleeping together and telling eachother we loved eachother throughout but we just weren't official. We were together for a year before that happened but it wasn't a great one for me. I was sexually assaulted 2 months in (not by him) and became agoraphobic.

One night while we were both cuddled up together during our unofficial period I saw that he was tagged on Facebook with this girl I'd asked him about before (he told me during this time he didn't even want to think about seeing new people). Many lies later I found out they were together and had been for a month or so. More lies later and I find out they met at the start of the relationship (online but not met up) when I was assaulted and were best friends.

Of course I made him tell her that he was actually still with me and practically living here and that was that. Nothing had changed, we still weren't official as I was heartbroken and unsure. I ended up sleeping with a guy to even the score (I know..) but he meant nothing to me.

So it's a year later, my agoraphobia is almost gone and we have been official again for 6 months since he promised he'd be better and begged me to have him back. Thing is, he has been loads better, he's more loving, he said it all made him realise what he wants. I feel OK for weeks or even a month but then I get really down about it for days or weeks, I mean they were in love (although he tells me it wasn't really love even though he told her it was). I still think of them together everyday. She's prettier, younger, she's childless and a party girl. Was really hard knowing he was out having loads of fun with her while I couldn't leave the house. I'm paranoid about everything and wonder what else he's been keeping from me. I wonder what would have happened if I didn't make him tell her. My self esteem is destroyed, I hate what i see when I look in the mirror. It still hurts physically when I think about all of this. It should be a happy time for me as I'm getting over the assault, the agoraphobia and doing well in a course I started this year.

So my question is, will this go away? Can we have a happy life together or will I always have nightmares about them and still think about it everyday?

Whattodo26 Tue 05-Apr-16 13:29:52

Sorry for the lengthy post, I just wanted to get it all down there.

Minime85 Tue 05-Apr-16 13:34:10

I'm so sorry for what you have been through. I am a huge over thinker. I think to some extent you seem to be doing the same however I can completely understand why. I think you have to decide that you must put it behind you or it will eat you up. If you can't then maybe it can't work. Maybe you even need to have some time on your own just to see if you can get your thoughts together then.

Rainbowlou1 Tue 05-Apr-16 13:34:27

I'm probably not best to offer advice as I'm in a slightly similar situation as you (my H was messaging a girl last year etc) but just wanted to offer support and flowers
Feel free to pm if you want as I don't want to detail your thread.
Hopefully someone with advice will be along soon for you x

Rainbowlou1 Tue 05-Apr-16 13:43:49


AdrenalineFudge Tue 05-Apr-16 17:24:22

Two separate points here, the one about your assault which I hope you are having support for and the issue of the lying ex/partner.

A year is a short period of time. If it goes tits up you might find yourself kicking yourself for not having chosen to leave when you weren't in deep, as it were.

I once had a boyfriend who promised me the moon on a stick - a few months later we broke up and engaged in an on/off dance for the next two years. That did more damage to my self esteem than anything else.

I now know my boundaries. He lied, yes he's sorry but does he deserve you?

Have you healed enough to trust another man let alone him?

If it goes tits up again how will you feel?

Remember, he didn't offer up this information willingly, you found out and put him on the spot.

Can you ever trust someone like that again?

I don't want to paint you a doomsday scenario but a good friend of mine once told me when I was breaking up with my ex for the umpteenth time 'fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me'. I don't tend to buy into these sort of FB memes a lot but that one has always stuck with me.

I wish you the best. Even without lying shit of an ex, an assault is one of the hardest things to cope with.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now