Background: married 10 years, 7yo DS. We have a very equal marriage: we both work, we share housework equally and both look after DS.
But I'm not happy. 90% of the time things are comfortable and I'm fine, the rest I'm crying myself to sleep at night and wondering how much longer I can carry on. DH is perfectly happy, thinks everything is fine and therefore tends to think that the problem is with me rather than our relationship.
There are two big problems for me. One is his temper. He gets massively worked up when driving or when technology doesn't work, and I can't stand it. He yells and fumes and takes it very personally, it's utterly horrid to be around. He's also twice (in the last eight years) smashed the screens of things that haven't been working as he wanted them to. I've asked for years for him to go to anger management but he laughs it off.
The other is his weight. Since DS was born he's piled on more and more weight. He does no exercise and never has any energy. He laughs off the health implications. Over the same time our sex life has massively declined (and when we do, it's always my idea), and to me they seem related. In my head I can't see our sex life getting back on track without him losing at least some weight and having more energy and drive again. He blames being tired on DS but when DS was a baby/toddler we had sex so much more often than we do now!
I've tried for years to say how unhappy I'm getting but got nowhere. Last week I broke down and said I can't cope, and I need him to go to anger management counselling and lose weight. We talked about it again last night and though he insists he is taking it seriously, he doesn't seem prepared to do either of those things. He also isn't prepared to go to couples counselling, though suggested that as I'm the one that's not happy, maybe I should go to therapy on my own.
So, is he right? In my head I'm framing problems with us as problems with him, and he insists that actually, the problem is with how I'm reacting. But should I have to go to therapy on my own to – what, learn to not mind when he shouts and yells, and learn to adjust to sex just a few times a year, with decades of marriage still ahead of us?
And my other thought is – if it is just me, does that matter? If I'm this desperately unhappy, then is this marriage ever going to work out, no matter whose "fault" that is?
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Is it me?
7 replies
LegoStarWars · 05/04/2016 09:55
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