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Is it me?(8 Posts)
Background: married 10 years, 7yo DS. We have a very equal marriage: we both work, we share housework equally and both look after DS.
But I'm not happy. 90% of the time things are comfortable and I'm fine, the rest I'm crying myself to sleep at night and wondering how much longer I can carry on. DH is perfectly happy, thinks everything is fine and therefore tends to think that the problem is with me rather than our relationship.
There are two big problems for me. One is his temper. He gets massively worked up when driving or when technology doesn't work, and I can't stand it. He yells and fumes and takes it very personally, it's utterly horrid to be around. He's also twice (in the last eight years) smashed the screens of things that haven't been working as he wanted them to. I've asked for years for him to go to anger management but he laughs it off.
The other is his weight. Since DS was born he's piled on more and more weight. He does no exercise and never has any energy. He laughs off the health implications. Over the same time our sex life has massively declined (and when we do, it's always my idea), and to me they seem related. In my head I can't see our sex life getting back on track without him losing at least some weight and having more energy and drive again. He blames being tired on DS but when DS was a baby/toddler we had sex so much more often than we do now!
I've tried for years to say how unhappy I'm getting but got nowhere. Last week I broke down and said I can't cope, and I need him to go to anger management counselling and lose weight. We talked about it again last night and though he insists he is taking it seriously, he doesn't seem prepared to do either of those things. He also isn't prepared to go to couples counselling, though suggested that as I'm the one that's not happy, maybe I should go to therapy on my own.
So, is he right? In my head I'm framing problems with us as problems with him, and he insists that actually, the problem is with how I'm reacting. But should I have to go to therapy on my own to – what, learn to not mind when he shouts and yells, and learn to adjust to sex just a few times a year, with decades of marriage still ahead of us?
And my other thought is – if it is just me, does that matter? If I'm this desperately unhappy, then is this marriage ever going to work out, no matter whose "fault" that is?
If you're unhappy that's enough of a reason to leave, but it sounds as though you have plenty of other reasons too
I would take him up on his suggestion of counselling for you.
I think it will do you the world of good.
It will help you to leave this situation and start afresh.
No-one should be this unhappy.
You get one shot at this life.
Can you imagine feeling like this for the next what...??? 15-20-30 years?!
The only way he will do anything is when he is faced with loss.
So get yourself to a solicitor to see where you stand.
Do you both own the house jointly?
Could you buy him out?
Does he have anyone he could stay with to give you some head space?
Can you go somewhere else for a couple of days to get some breathing space?
Please seriously consider getting out and finding yourself some happiness.
This just sounds like hell.
Wow, I didn't expect that reaction. Maybe I should try the counselling then, to make things clearer in my own mind and more ready to make a decision. I just wish it's something he'd do with me to give us more of a chance.
This is a sad situation. Do you do enough stuff apart? Just wondering? He sounds like he has given up, which must be hideous for you. Think you need to coax him into exercise, why I think is the key to unlock here. The endorphins will blow away the stress, he'll be more energised, he'll feel better about himself, which in turn will vastly improve your sex life. Could you get a sitter & take up running together? Couples that play together, stay together
I do things on my own – several hobbies, social life meeting friends etc – but he doesn't really. He's more a stay-in-and-watch-TV person. And that's always been the case, but it hasn't mattered so much in the past. We have similar tastes so enjoy watching things together in the evenings. We don't have family near so any kind of regular date night is really hard.
I'm definitely with you on the exercise. I'm not massively keen on exercise either, but I do at least walk everywhere (generally a few miles a day) whereas he'll always choose the car. He moans like anything about the effort if I want to walk into town, even when it's a beautiful sunny day.
I will try and persuade him on the exercise.
Go to counselling alone. It will help you see more clearly what's happening. If you go together his 'input' will make it difficult for you to be open
Never mind about him getting exercise. Truly, you can't make his choices. Make yourself better. Read, talk, ask questions here, and you will eventually see things as they are. His temper at inanimate objects is dreadful. Has he ever hurt or threatened you? Read the Abusers' Profiles thread too - type it into the search box above
Look after yourself
He's never hurt me – he very rarely even gets cross at me. Just gets worked up at "things". Then calms down and is fine afterwards. He's not an abusive type, just has a temper. I just wish I could ignore it and not let it upset me.
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