Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

hurt by "friend" flirting

(19 Posts)
brokenbear Tue 05-Apr-16 07:53:21

Am I being disproportionate being hurt by this?

It's a complicated situation with my DH and I think it's the end of our marriage possibly.

I have an old friend from years ago who I thought at the time was a fwb situation, I fancied him but never read much into it, thought he was a flirt and we used each other when low. Never actually slept together but came close on lots of occasions but pulled out of "going there" - it would always be at the end of a breakup for each of us if the other was single. Anyway I posted a bit of a rant sometime last year and he delurked from being a fb friend after backing off from our friendship when I got married. I never heard from him once I got married till then and was pretty annoyed about it as I really didn't view us as exes or in that league, more childhood friends who'd experimented when we felt rejected by other people.

So our friendship was building again, gone through similar experiences as adults, his (now ex) long term partner and him were having problems after infertility, similar story with my DH and I. All seemed perfectly platonic, old friends, similar experiences and using each other to sound off and a bit of virtual company - texts and a few phone calls

He escalated it a few nights ago to hour plus late night video calls out of the blue. And ramped things up, admitting to flirting with me. I really tried to be jokey about it and not read anything into it. (He's in a new relationship now, with someone else) but he made me feel wanted. He was filling a void left by DH. I tried to believe it was just harmless banter.

I even commented to him that I wouldn't be okay with our contact if I was his partner. Rather than saying "she" was ok with it, he said "if I was your partner you wouldn't need to worry as I treat someone I'm with very differently, there'd be no need for you to feel insecure"

He contacted me non stop all day the last few days and Iv played back. I was enjoying the attention but also questioning it, feeling uncomfortable, knowing it was innappropriate, knowing even if there was genuine feelings on his part, I'm not in a place to fulfil those anyway even if in some imaginary fantasy land - I was the one he'd always wanted and this was a "real" thing

I admitted I was developing some schoolgirl like crush and felt awkward about it and that I should back off out of respect for his partner. I feel like he manipulated me into being the bad guy though - he initiated the flirting, made it feel like he wanted me, I can't believe he was unaware of what he was doing. I asked him what he gets out of flirting with me, and said I know it fills a void for me but what exactly are you getting out of this if your in a happy new relationship - to be told he likes to put a smile on my face and make me feel better by the time he leaves the conversation

I don't get it. Why make me feel wanted? I'm not wanted. It's just mindfuckery. I genuinely thought we were good friends respectfully supporting each other through breakups and infertility, and when he got with someone else I rooted for them, thought he rooted for me attempting at resolving things with DH. Now it's a friendship I thought I had, ruined. I know he can't be trusted (and nor can I, not to innappropriately fast fall for someone who pays me attention)


PPie10 Tue 05-Apr-16 08:25:54

You are having some sort of emotional affair. Are you even putting this much effort into your marriage than you with this guy on the side. He's not doing and forcing you into anything, You are entertaining and enjoying all of this.

Lumpylumperson Tue 05-Apr-16 08:29:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNaze73 Tue 05-Apr-16 08:29:55

It sounds like you've been actively encouraging it and you're deeply into an EA. If this was a man who'd been discovered doing this, what would your advice be to a friend?? The LTB brigade would be out in force. Think you have a very clear decision to make here. Hope you make the right one smile

Herewegoagainfolks Tue 05-Apr-16 08:31:07

Cut contact with him.

He've never been a friend, he just uses you when you are emotionally vulnerable.

Nevermind putting an end to it "out of respect to his partner."

Put an end to it out of respect to yourself.

Block his phone, block him on FB.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 05-Apr-16 08:31:30

WTAF Indeed!!

AnchorDownDeepBreath Tue 05-Apr-16 08:40:37

You didn't think this was genuine, at any point. You know this is what he does - he finds women who are at a low point in their relationship or newly broken up and sleeps with them; has flirty conversations and generally makes sure he's top of mind.

This is text book behaviour. You know you wouldn't be different because he's done it so much before, but also because he hasn't left his partner for the chance of making it work with you - he just likes having a partner and someone else.

You're now having an emotional affair with a poor excuse for a player, and wondering why he's hurting you - he's not. You've hurt yourself. Whether it's distraction from your husband or just an urge for male attention; you did this to yourself for some reason. You knew a lot about him and his MO and in your own words you still "played along", you entertained hour long calls and flirty conversations.

He doesn't want you, he wants someone to flirt with and get attention from. You wouldn't be different. He probably won't leave his partner. That's not when you want and you're clearly too vulnerable to handle him at the moment so block his number.

Break ups are horrible and it that's what you are your husband are doing, stop prolonging the pain and get it over with. If you're going to give things another go with your husband, give yourself a few days to grieve the end of your EA and then throw yourself back into trying without distractions or flirtations from other men you like.

Slowdecrease Tue 05-Apr-16 09:10:15

You shouldn't be hurt you should just realise you can't play the game like he can - don't feel bad for his partner when you don't know her feel bad for yourself for not knowing what you want, you encouraged him to play flirt with you all the way if you don't like it stop it.

brokenbear Tue 05-Apr-16 09:11:55

Yes I was entertaining it - for 2 days. It wasn't "there" before that.

I don't think it's an EA, there wasn't anything on his part - but I think he was well aware I was vulnerable and craving the attention from someone

In answer to do I put as much effort into my marriage - not now. We are seperated, almost estranged and have lived apart for several years. We haven't divorced yet though. Technically I wouldn't be cheating to start something and DH for all I know might be with someone himself but I felt uncomfortable with the last few days despite enjoying the flattery and flirting.

Thanks for the clarity, I haven't replied to him today and won't.

It's true he hasn't forced anything, but why initiate it? Why do that in the first place? We were fine with casual contact

Slowdecrease Tue 05-Apr-16 09:20:04

His girlfriend was taking a while in the bathroom so her was bored and fancied titliation? Who knows?

brokenbear Tue 05-Apr-16 09:35:06

No, they're not living together yet. It's early days hence I really thought initially it was a safe zone friendship wise between us.

Iv wondered for the last 2 days when he's contacting her, he's been full on contacting me - there's no hours in the day really for real contact for them. He's messaged me more than DH back when we actually fell in love in a 48 hr period! (I know, I replied too)

God I feel so stupid, I knew it wasn't "real" but it got innappropriate suddenly and I feel crushed by it

Slowdecrease Tue 05-Apr-16 09:37:00

Get innapropriate with someone else then, that will take your mind of it !! Practice on Tinder grin

AnyFucker Tue 05-Apr-16 09:41:13

Play with fire ? You know how it goes...

Penfold007 Tue 05-Apr-16 09:41:40

It is an EA and you are being very unfair to your husband. Imagine how you would feel if you discovered your H was behaving like you are? If your marriage is over face up to it and do the right thing if not stop this EA now.

brokenbear Tue 05-Apr-16 09:42:03

Ha! That's how it all began - I was thinking about that. I wanted him to give me the sensible pull yourself together woman "talk" as I had for him in his last relationship - not be the male attention himself. He bought up the past flings we've had and it springboarded into flirting

Iv expected someone to be trustworthy who's not haven't I? I'm not either, but I suppose at least I'm feeling guilty about it. He's not

brokenbear Tue 05-Apr-16 09:45:17

I'm really not being unfair to my DH. I'd be devastated the other way round, yes. But DH left me. Several years ago. I'm the one who hasn't moved on. I have no idea if DH has or not

Jan45 Tue 05-Apr-16 14:03:03

He's a creep and he is doing you no favours, he's only stroking his own ego. As well as having respect for the OW you should have a bit for yourself and stop being a side kick for some guy who has no respect for women.

brokenbear Tue 05-Apr-16 14:17:15

Yeah. I think Iv just figured it out. But I genuinely believed we cared for each other. As friends. I thought it was safe territory and for months it's been safe territory. Then suddenly bam. This.

I'm seriously lacking in esteem since DH left, I made no secret of that. Thought he had my back as a friend, he just took advantage of it. I wanted to be taken advantage of in some ways, to try get over DH, but not by him, not by an actual friend. A ONS maybe with a virtual stranger. Not this.

brokenbear Wed 06-Apr-16 11:17:17

I directly confronted him and said I felt it was inappropriate of both of us - and I'm not going to be a plaything or play with someone else's. I got a very angry defensive response debating that he ever flirted, apparently that is just who he is, and I asked what he'd have told me if I said my DH was videocalling late, texting all day to a female friend who's marriage had fallen apart, would he really tell me that's just who my DH is and I have no concerns? Because he's been sure trying to put me off every time Iv mentioned DH these last few days pointing out DHs failings to me I'm 99% sure he'd of used that to try convince me DH didn't respect me. Thankfully I have definitely ended our friendship

I feel so sad he's not who I wanted to believe he was though. Meh, what am I feeling sad for? The feelings existed for someone who doesn't exist anyhow.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now