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Why can't I get over this? Missing important childhood events- extreme religion - am still terrified of father

(8 Posts)
FrickinPeppaPig Mon 04-Apr-16 21:46:29

I'm wondering why at the grand age of 35 I'm not over this by now?

I grew up in a very tense, unhappy household.

Loved dm but was terrified of df.

He was extremely 'religious' indeed everything was extreme about him. Only the rules didn't apply to him, just to everyone else. He had a very normal life but myself and my sister were force to be very restricted in our lives.

We were not allowed to;
Have friends outside the group
Listen to music
Be part of any social groups, girls brigade, brownies etc
Wear makeup
Wear trousers
Participate in any hobbies
Wear any jewellery or get ears pierced
Do homework on Sunday!
Go to the cinema
Stay over with friends
Watch tv
Go to school formals/prom

We were forced to join the group aged 14.

There are a litany of other 'not allowed to do'

Anyway I have long since left the group.

I keep in touch with my parents for the sake of my children and they've really mellowed in latter years indeed df has expressed a tiny bit of remorse at how he was. Never directly to me but has indicated to my mother.

Anyway the issue: I've recently got v small and discreet tattoo and had my ears pierced.

It's like I've committed a cardinal sin. Parents are furious with me! Did I mention I'm 35?
I really feel like I a child again and trying to justify and explain that I'm allowed to.

I feel sick with anxiety when I'm near them.

I just want to live my life and not be controlled but I can't shake this fear.

I'd never deny my daughter all these little 'rites of passage'

How do I deal with my parents?

Sorry this probably makes no sense

dementedpixie Mon 04-Apr-16 21:48:00

Stay away from them until they grow up and accept you are an adult and make your own choices?

TeaOnEverest Mon 04-Apr-16 22:16:08

Makes sense to me. My DM was raised exactly the same, right down to DGF thinking the rules didn't apply to him

Even when I was born, DM made decisions based on what they expected, not what was right for me. This went on for years. Had to go to a certain school because they could keep an eye on me, even though I was bullied etc etc, but that didn't matter because God.

Pulling away from them was a slow process. It was only when my dad finally put his foot down that DM stopped pandering to them. I was also old enough to articulate myself by that stage, and I told her that I was losing respect for her, because she was a grown woman who was trying to dictate her teenage daughter's life according to beliefs she knew were wrong. She was putting their wishes ahead of her DH and kids, to our detriment

Next time DGPs kicked off about something, mum went postal. It was epic. Her relationship with them actually improved from that point, however sadly she will never feel completely comfortable and accepted

As a mother myself now, I have more patience and understanding for what she went through, and I can see she did really well, considering she was raised in what amounted to a crazy repressive cult. I love her so much

I'm not sure we would be so close if she hadn't put her foot down when she did though. I imagine she would be continuing to expect me to join her in flapping over what her parents thought. And I wouldn't have. She'd never be perfect in their eyes anyway, because she was a woman

Strangely enough, my GPs have always been brilliant GPS to me, and I love them to bits. Their beliefs are crap, but we mutually don't discuss them and they spoil me rotten any way

Families are bloody odd. But put your foot down and let your kids see you do it. The then to suck it up and take no more shit. You may be surprised at how quickly they back track.

TeaOnEverest Mon 04-Apr-16 22:21:27

Rereading your post, I think it might have been the same -cult- religion grin did yours burn all your CDs and dump the telly too?

I remember mum flapping when I started listening to Nirvana, because GPs would think it was Satanic. Was told not to wear Nirvana t-shirt in gp presence. No mum, I'll wear what I want! Bless her, she was never allowed to though. Her clothes had to be "modest and in good repair"

Lumpylumperson Mon 04-Apr-16 22:23:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface Mon 04-Apr-16 22:49:50

I was going to suggest that you do what tears mum did and lose your fucking shit with them.

How dare they presume to dictate to you what you can do to your own body?

You may feel fear of your father, but what can he realistically do to you? You are not a child that he can bully or physically abuse anymore.

annandale Mon 04-Apr-16 22:56:16

Sounds like it might be time for a large indiscreet tattoo grin

Your body, your life, your right to decide. You can't stop them reacting in their own way but tell them you'd like to change the subject now please.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 04-Apr-16 22:58:19

What Bogey said.

You were powerless as a child, but you're not powerless now that you're an adult and it's about time your dps realised that the days when they were able to dictate terms and control you are long gone.

Have you checked out the Stately Homes thread?

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