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So I told her and now she's (rightly) severely pissed off!(22 Posts)
Posted a couple of weeks a go about my ex not paying his way for our dd and more importantly, that he'd been sending me inappropriate messages.
Well I told him straight away it was out of order and not to do it. Since then I've found out that his gf has read them herself and obviously isn't happy. She read my reaction and apparently is angry also at how obviously uncomfortable he made me. He told me this during his 'apology'. I decided I was definitely going to tell my dp, but knew she'd be so upset. He used to do this when we were first together and as I'd mentioned before, was also physical. I told her this, but we'd not long been together, so although she was livid, she let me sort it myself. I did and it stopped.
Anyway, I told her yesterday that he'd sent a couple of messages again and she went mental! There were tears and angry demands to see the messages. I had deleted them, as it made me feel really uncomfortable having them on my phone. She said I should have shown her immediately. Maybe I should, but I didn't want to hurt her. I would have been crushed if it were the other way around and felt, maybe naively, that I was protecting her. She is now thinking this means she can't trust me the same, but I did tell her. When I first got the messages, we'd both had a few drinks and she was already upset about something else, so didn't want to make her feel even worse. Throw alcohol into the mix and it would have ended really badly.
I feel like I'm being punished for his behaviour....again! She did apologise for aiming her anger at me. She's also said that he can't ever come in our house again. So at pick up\drop off times, I go out to get our dd, but dd pick up on this and she didn't take the split well anyway. I don't want her to feel even more uncomfortable than she already does. Obviously, I don't want my dp to feel uncomfortable either, but my dd is 9! And she mustn't suffer at all.
I'm not saying he should be invited in for a coffee, but my dd likes him to bring her in. He's literally in the hallway for 30 seconds and as I say, I'm not sure it's fair on her for anything to change, but my dp is just saying "no, never again is he coming in this house!!"
What should I do?
I'm so upset. My head is all over the place.
He's a twat but it doesn't sound like your partner is helping to be fair, she needs to be able to discuss this rationally and support you in the best way forward, whatever you agree this to be, with emphasis on it being your decision and your dd.
I don't think your Ex should get over your threshold either. DD is 9, she is perfectly capable of walking up the path by herself. I wouldn't get too upset over it, t's not a massive problem in the grand scheme of things. Your DP will come to see that you've done nothing wrong - they just need to calm down first!
" He's a twat " Yep.
Husky, my dd is very emotional and sensitive. Possibly has mild asd and so I probably tread a lot more carefully than I would if this weren't the case.
I think it's upset me so much because I feel like my dp sees it as a secret between me and my ex, which is more than likely, exactly what he wanted! Well done xp!!! She knows, when she's thinking rationally, that it's not like that, but still, it makes my blood boil that it's affected our relationship.
You might want to point out to your DP that her reaction is exactly what your ex was hoping for. She has walked into his trap and is now punishing you herself, since he is no longer able to punish you directly.
I think your DP has a point that he shouldn't be in the house. He's proved he can't be trusted, he's proved her has no respect for you. I wouldn't let him up the garden path, frankly, let alone the hallway. He can knock on the door and wait on the step. He lost his privilege to be treated nicely when he acted that twat.
I'm pretty sure I said these exact words, pocket. The red mist doesn't seem to be clearing unfortunately and all she can see is that she hates him and doesn't want him anywhere near me. It's not always that simple though. Of course I understand her anger, but I keep seeing her face when I told her and it wasn't just hurt and anger, it was resentment towards me. As I mentioned, she did apologise for this, but it fucking hurt. And to say that this makes her trust me less is messed up!
Your Ex is a dick and your current partner has made his unacceptable behaviour towards you, all about her. Stop indulging them both, tell him he isn't allowed over the threshold and she needs check herself.
You need to work on your boundaries because both your Ex and your current DP, are of the opinion that their opinions, take precedent.
So you went from one jealous, controlling abusive arse to another?
You should have told her, yes. Keeping your idiot's secret was just plain stupid. You gift wrapped that shit for yourself there.
That said. Your current partner has no business getting angry at you.
Ranting and raging at you, spitting venom and hatred is not on.
If you and your DP share a home, you have equal say in who comes in and who doesn't.
This is the father of your dd. If for no other reason than this; out of respect for you, she needs to agree, not demand, whether he comes into your home or not.
Again, I think her reaction was overly aggressive, but given the fact that she's feeling threatened by his messages and inappropriate behaviour towards you, his former DP, I dare say this has drawn the red mist.
She still has no right to attack you over this.
You seem to be submissive to literally everyone in your life OP, even your 9yo. That's not going to work at all.
If you don't want the ex in your home, you tell him that he drops her at the path/door, but goes no further. It's not your dd role to manage this.
You are the parent here, you are the one who looks out for your dd, and the one that sets the rules where she is concerned. Yours is the last word.
You should be living in an environment where you are not afraid to tell people things for fear of their reaction. They should trust and support you. Without question.
Did you do any therapy between this abusive relationship and your current one?
Have to agree with Hissy
Sounds like you have swopped one piece of work for another.
OP you really need to get yourself and your dd away from people who behave like this.
I certainly wouldn't describe my dp as a "jealous, controlling, abusive arse" This reaction was very unlike her actually. Yes, she was wrong to initially take it out on me and has admitted that, but I was wrong not to tell her straight away.
I wouldn't describe myself as submissive either and am quite shocked that that's how I've come across.
Yes I have had therapy (cbt) in between relationships, but that was more about controlling my anxiety and also, figuring out\accepting my sexuality.
Dp apologised again last night and said that she was just furious that he still seems to have the power to upset me. She's still adamant that he doesn't come in the house though. Just to make it clear, I wasn't happy about the demand. Not saying I disagreed with her really, but obviously I didn't want to be told and I firmly told her that. I'm worried that I'll have to explain to my ex that he can't come in, simply because he's not welcome and that he'll explain this to my dd, probably purely out of spite.....because he's a nob. This would upset her massively. I'm probably being overprotective. I just don't want anyone to get hurt.
Cbt is. Sticking plaster.
It helps you control your mood. Only.
It is USELESS for recovery from abuse.
You are trying to please everyone, tip toeing on broken glass and asking permission to live.
Your DP is jealous and feeling threatened that you'll go back to men.
She is taking her insecurities out on you.
Draw a big fat line under this, tell your ex to keep his messages appropriate, he comes to the door only, and your dd needs to understand that YOU make the choice about her father and not a 9yo.
You have an ex, you can and will manage him, you don't need DP to butt in. If she is not happy dating a woman with an ex and a child, she doesn't have to.
you also don't need a 9 up dictating terms. It's not good for her or for you. Assert yourself and those around you will get the idea soon enough that you are captain of your own ship.
Your ex has massively over stepped the mark with you, and for that reason he doesn't get to come in. You explain that to him and to your dd.
It's your decision. Own it.
If and when your ex behaves better you can review the situation.
You can do this. There are too many people calling the shots in your life and you're so worried about everyone else, your decisions are suffering
Why can't your 9 year old understand when you do something that is not nice, there are consequences to your actions? That's why Daddy isn't welcomed in anymore.
Goodness, how hard to deal with, but this is a boundaries issue.
I don't think you are responsible for your ex's behaviour to you. You seem to have stopped that.
I understand what you say about your DD, but I don't do handovers with my xH anywhere near the house - it is neutral ground, same place every time. I ended the relationship because it was abusive and damaging, and my house is my safe space. My DS is being assessed for ASD and a consistent neutral place works; if xH came to the house, DS would want to bring him in and it would be difficult.
The current partner - it seems like she feels threatened by this, on one hand (why?) but on the other, you didn't tell her as you knew it would upset her. This doesn't bode well for stability and communication, if you are holding back on stuff for fear of a messy scene. The xP situation was clearly not your doing.
Agree that CBT does not solve issues, at best it tides you over until you get real support.
Op I think there are some great insights in posters' responses here. Definitely sounds like for whatever reason your current DP is trying to exert control, she can dress it up as she likes (shock, anger) but it is what it is....
You're taking it upon yourself to fix everyone else's ishoos when it is them who have the problems. I think the key here is to concentrate directly and only on your DD and yourself. Leave the others two sort out their own mess...
Your current partners reaction is most concerning to me
Your priority should be your little girl and if you feel for whatever reason she needs to continue with the current pick-up / drop off arrangements with her dad then I would also continue as you are. He has apologised which offers some hope that his silly messages and inappropriate behaviour will stop now. For your daughters sake I would keep things as they are but perhaps be a little more 'short' and keep things as brief as you possibly can (as long as you don't feel threatened in anyway).
Poor you, you don't deserve all the drama, just be sure to stand your ground, especially with your current partner. Good luck!
Thank you everyone. I appreciate all your advice.
Maybe I do need to put my foot down more. I think I've been reluctant to because I always saw myself as quite an assertive, no nonsense person, so maybe I've deliberately held back so I don't come across overbearing, or bossy . Does that make any sense. Out the two of us (dp and I) I am certainly the more outgoing (outwardly, not inwardly unfortunately) and dp is quietly confident and so I think I've adapted to be a little more easygoing. I've possibly got this muddled up and am letting things go I shouldn't.
Thunder, this is what I was going to do. Keep the pick up\drop off very brief and avoid any lengthy chit chat, but dp keeps saying that she doesn't think she's asking much. Maybe she isn't.
Regarding my dd, she's SUPER sensitive and whereas, yes, she understands about bad behaviour being acknowledged and punished, she feels incredibly sorry for her dad and even though he's with someone (kind of) she sees him as very lonely and sad, so suddenly not being invited into our home would make her feel even worse for him and I know there would be tears. Also, she's picked up on the fact the he wants me back and so this again, has caused some very awkward conversations that I just shouldn't be having. Another massive thanks to xp for that!!
You shouldn't be having WHAT kind of conversations? With your dd?
Of course you must have open and age appropriate conversations with your dd. How else will she learn how to be treated by a partner?
"Dd, your dad was not at all very nice to me when we were together. He made my life extremely difficult. As a result of the things he said and did, I had to end the relationship and he had to leave me alone. If he is on his own (which he is not, he's just saying he is to get you to feel sorry for him) it would be because he does not treat his partner with kindness and respect. Everyone deserves this.
I now have a new partner who makes happy, she knows who I am and accepts me as I am. She treats me kindly and with love and respect. She does not tell me what I can and can't do, she does not shout at me, call me names or hurt me. This is the minimum of what I deserve."
And "because your dad has said some silly things to me and is trying to make trouble in my life I will not be letting him into my home. When he learns how to be kind, considerate and respectful of my home, life and decisions, then I may let him back. Think of it like a grown up version of the naughty step."
Do not be afraid of a 9yo's tears. Life isn't fair sometimes and if she picks up on the waterworks making you bend to the will of others, you will have a lifetime of pain.
Her hormones are on the point of kicking in. Manage this situation now before that brand of kerosene gets poured on the fire.
I say again, you can do this. You're not being assertive enough with your boundaries.
Look up the freedom programme, you can do it online, but it's way better to do it in groups (they are free)
I think as regards your xP, then you should do what you cope with and feel best.
It is not really up to your DP to say, if your xP crosses the threshold for a matter of minutes. However, I do think it is reasonable to explain to DD that this is courtesy only on your part; and that any discussion about her dad or attempts by him to take advantage of your goodwill are inappropriate. I think it is reasonable to have discussions about boundaries with your DD and to model these also. Actually, it is important to do this
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