Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
How do I get used to new chap's loveliness?(23 Posts)
That's it really, just as the title says.
Back story, I left a 19 year marriage 18 months ago. Started dating a year or so ago. Few dates, lots of chats, didn't amount to anything other than making two most lovely male friends.
I have been dating new chap for 10 whole weeks!! He is everything I could wish for, truly. He's kind, intelligent, emotionally intelligent, fun, sexy, the whole package.
He even puts up with my occasional diva strops!!
STBXH was EA, controlling, unfaithful, a general twunt.
I have to try really hard to not let that cloud things with new chap. I've talked some about this, and he understands. I have to try really hard not to allow my insecurity to bubble away.
I guess some of the answer is time and talking. Just wondered how anyone else handles a guy being so nice when not really had that before?
I just had to stop worrying that he was going to sod off for a stupid reason and started believing the compliments and that he really wanted to be with me.
How many 'diva strops' can you have had in 10 weeks?
Oooh I could have written that exact same post about a year ago! Exactly the same type of marriage and then met exactly the same kind of man but kept doubting it...felt too good to be true.
My only advice is that it will take time to truly accept that this is a good relationship, that he means all the lovely things he says to you. I never doubted him when I was with him but when we were separate I was consumed with anxiety at first, didn't believe he could love me, thought it was all going to end. Eventually, those voices lessened and I became more confident in the relationship. We are a year in and he is the best thing that has happened to me and I have finally recovered enough self esteem to realise that he loves me and is not going anywhere and that, in fact, he is also lucky to have me..we are lucky to have found each other. Good Luck. You will get there, promise.
Thanks ethelb I'm trying to do that. I don't want this to spoil things.
StillAwake just one or two! And I use the term lightly. Am way beyond any dramas.
Oh, and at the right point, talk to him. About 4 months in, I unburdened about exh. He got it, said it made sense.
Ah thank you elliepac 💐
Am so glad that things have turned out so well for you.
That is exactly how I feel, so anxious when I'm not with him. Imagining all sorts.
I was a bit like that when I met now DH.
He was so different from anyone i had met before. I always thought I wasn't good enough for him. We also came from completely different backgrounds, plus I had Dd1 so was very cautious about getting involved it also didn't help that I was very independent and would never let him help me.
When he proposed I actually freaked out said NO and run for the hills. Even that didn't put him off. We ended up getting married abroad with our DCs and didn't tell anyone.
Been together 10yrs now couldn't be happier.
Try and enjoy your time together.
Good luck .
Without wanting to pee all over your chips dobedo, I would advise caution for a while. You could be describing my soon to be ex-h there. He was all of those things 7 years ago when we go together, but turned out to be a complete lie.
It seems you've had experience of narcissists, and they all have this initial behaviour of seeming like the best thing ever to have happened really quite quickly (my ex proposed to me within 10 weeks of knowing me. I was bought into all his behaviours and stupidly said yes. Moved city with my son. Then the truth started to reveal itself).
Look after yourself, take things slowly (if he really means all these things, he'll take things as slowly as you want), and above all, look out for your kids.
Just go with the flow. After what you've been through its inevitable that you'll be on your guard. Take it one date at a time and enjoy it. Not all men are wrong uns
coco I am exactly that re allowing him to help me. He totally gets it though, even finds it quite amusing!
Am pleased that you are happy now.
mojoawol. Yes I do have experience of narcissistic types. Consequently I find myself analysing and over thinking things that he does and says.
We have talked a lot already, and I am starting to realise that (I hope) he is one of life's good guys.
I will absolutely look after DD, she is my priority as always.
We have no plans for anything other than enjoying the here and now. Which is exactly what we are doing.
Thanks TheNaze73. i totally agree, there are some good guys out there!
I was a magnet for narcissists.... I met a lovely man last year, admired him from afar, finally plucked up the courage to go for it and then drove myself crazy wondering if he was as nice as he seemed.
I would do things like see he was online on whatsapp and imagine he was messaging other women (as that was what I was used to).
As a pp said, I also unloaded to him a few months in and, to cut a long story short, I am a lot calmer and trusting. I actually trust him 100% and that is something I have never done before.
I think it helps if your partner is aware of your past and how it has affected you.
I sat and cried when I told my now dp everything. I imagined him leaving me as I thought I would be too much hassle!
But we are still together and talk about marriage etc.
Id say just be honest with your partner but also try and take him at face value. I have slowly but surely started to believe him when he tells me he would never be unfaithful and that he adores me.
I was very suspicious and cautious when I met dh, as I didn't believe anyone could be such a genuinely good person, especially after divorcing my evil arsehole of an ex.
Took my 5 years to realise he was what it said on the tin. Looks like you have realised earlier. Now married 5 years and my only complaint is that people take advantage of his lovely nature.
I had the same! I still occasionally think he's too good to be true 3 years on. And he's so kind I worry about taking advantage.
Take it slowly, absolutely at face value, and enjoy!
Sorry, I'm the cynic through and through.
I wouldn't let someone I'd known for 10 weeks near my dc. 10 weeks is still very much honeymoon period where you are both on best behaviour.
Ea acid test - build up to something you know he really wants to do and back out/say no at last minute. Watch his reaction. An ea man will get nasty.
Also, educate yourself about ea. Read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That. And just hold back a bit emotionally until you've been in a variety of situations with him and really feel you could predict what his reactions would be.
Oh I haven't introduced DD to him yet, that step is a long way down the road. I need to be much surer of him before I consider doing that.
The ex was EA, hence me analysing and considering new chaps actions/approach to me and the relationship.
And yes to holding back emotionally. It would be easy to be head over heels with him, but I'm aware of the need for some self preservation also.
dodobedoop I think you'll know when the time is right to introduce your DD. I did put it off for a long time in the end dd asked if he was real or just in my imagination. To be fair it was about 4mths before they met. She was a gobby teenager at the time.
Another cynic. You could be dating my ex. Perfect gent, sexy, funny ... Narcissistic arse in reality.
He may be the real deal, he may not. I wasted 15 years being his 'soulmate' etc but really I just pandered to his every need to keep life simple!
I've been thinking about the fact that he could be narcissistic. I know it's very early days but so far he does not appear to have any traits of narcissism.
We do spend a fair amount of time together, dates, days out, staying over at each other's houses, obviously when DD is at her fathers. I can, at this time, honestly say that he seems to be a genuinely lovely guy. Time will tell I guess
I get why you're worried. I have no history of crappy men, and yet have done a bit of second guessing about the man I'm seeing, who has been nothing but nice to me. (Especially late at night when I've read one too many thread on here!)
Have you got any mutual friends, or have you met any of his existing friends? I think you can tell a lot about people from the company they keep.
It has also helped me when we've had a few disagreements, as we've resolved them well. Have you found this to be the case?
I have met one of his friends, and we are going to see some of his friends in a couple of weeks.
He has met some of my friends, who he has gotten on well with. He is really attentive, wants to know about my life, work, family etc.
We haven't really had disputes as I speak my mind more now than with ex. I'm a totally different person in that respect, if something is on my mind then I'll say something.
There has been a couple of times when I've asked him about something, a notification came through from an old profile of his on an online dating site for example. He was totally honest with me about it, and deleted said profile which he had forgotten about.
That's what I meant by disagreements. When something's on your mind and you speak up.
I'd be keen to meet more of his friends sooner than a few weeks time, if I were you.
Also teasing. Can he laugh at himself when you take the piss out of him? When I read the ea threads on here I always think what humourless bastards all the men sound. Although, I don't know, maybe this side of their character only becomes evident later on.
He has a great sense of humour, and yes, he does laugh when I take the p out of him. As do I when the tables are turned!
That is part of the attraction for me, his humour.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.