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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can physical attraction grow? Opinions please

29 replies

rumred · 04/04/2016 11:47

I'm seeing someone who is overweight and has lots of excess flesh. I've no problem with this in theory and we get on very well but I'm struggling with the physical side.

This has hit crisis point as I'm struggling with sex and don't feel able to say why. It would seem so unkind.I'm no spring chicken and have had relationships with a variety of people. I really want to fancy this person but naked I don't.

Has anyone been in this position? My friend said attraction can grow as you get to know someone better. Given how well we get on I'm hoping this is true. But I don't want to cause unnecessary upset by us getting closer and rejecting them later on.

I've never been shallow or rude but this is making me question myself. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

Report

AnyFucker · 04/04/2016 11:48

In this scenario, I would say no

rumred · 04/04/2016 11:55

Why?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/04/2016 11:58

Already you are struggling to conjure up any sexual attraction. If it isn't there at the beginning, it's not going to magically appear out of nowhere.

Thethingswedoforlove · 04/04/2016 12:02

I think you shd accept it isn't ever going to be there for you

venusandmars · 04/04/2016 12:07

When I met my dp and saw his body I saw lumps, moles, skintags. Certainly didn't fancy him naked.

But, for me, eroticism and intimacy is about how our heads and minds meet, how we are equal and supportive in our lives, how we are tender and caring to each other.

Now, 20 years later, dp still has lumps, moles, skintags, but I don't see any of those when I look at him, I see a kind, supportive, loving partner, and from that sex and connection and intimacy blossom....

And I know that I'm fatter, more wrinkly and more droopy than I was when we met. But our attraction is something apart from that. It just works.

And if it doesn't 'just work' then weight and flesh aside, it will probably never work.

MyKingdomForBrie · 04/04/2016 12:09

I agree with pp. My partner is overweight and I have been attracted to him regardless since we first slept together; there was a huge spark and his weight was totally irrelevant to that. It sounds like you just don't fancy him, overweight or not.

Lalaloopy2016 · 04/04/2016 12:16

If you have got to the stage of having sex but you are still not attracted to him, then it's never going to happen.

When I saw your thread title, I thought you might have just met someone and would have said, wait and see. However in your case, what is going to happen to make you feel differently? Someyimes it's not about the body or physical attractiveness, not for me anyway, but the connection.

Buzzardbird · 04/04/2016 12:20

No, in your case in won't. If you have a real connection with someone you don't care a jot what their physical appearance is. Same as someone can be the commercial 'perfect' and you don't fancy them.

rumred · 04/04/2016 12:21

Thanks for the views. I'm hoping against hope I think because I like them a lot and we have great times together. Overweight isn't an issue, I don't have a problem with that, it's the sagginess post previous obesity . Hard to admit but true.

OP posts:

WhatsGoingOnEh · 04/04/2016 12:26

I'm really scared you're my DH! I used to be fit and toned but I have piled on 3 unsightly stone in recent years and probably look disgusting naked.

You have inspired me to sort it out!

If you're my DH, I'd say have loads of sex with this "partner" to help her burn some calories!

If you're NOT my DH, I'd say bin them. Maybe the heartbreak will cause them to stop eating?

maggiethemagpie · 04/04/2016 12:28

It always suprises me how elusive and illogical chemistry can be. When I met my partner, if I'd seen his picture in a magazine I would have said I didn't fancy him. But we went on a couple of dates and 'biology' took over, we could not keep our hands off each other! I don't know how it works but what I would say is if you're not wanting to rip each others clothes off three or four dates in max, it's never going to happen.

rumred · 04/04/2016 12:40

Nope not your dh. We're both women. She's lost lots of weight in recent years -6 stone or more? I do fancy her, but not clothes ripping off level

OP posts:

Isetan · 04/04/2016 12:53

Why are you embarking on/ having a sexual relationship with someone you aren't physically attracted to? Is there some reason you feel you should be attracted to them?

This man isn't a charity case and you are doing him a massive disservice, by giving him the impression that there's more to your friendship. Let him down gently and in future, be honest with yourself before involving someone else in your issues. Right now your dishonesty is making just a platonic friendship difficult.

Isetan · 04/04/2016 13:01

Sorry, I didn't see your latest posts. I can see where your coming from about the sagging skin. Be honest (whilst letting them down gently), that your feelings have changed because it wouldn't be fair to either of you, by keeping your fingers crossed.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 04/04/2016 13:02

I found dh positively unattractive when we met, and I wasn't his type at all (am slight, dark, flat-chested - he likes blonde and curvy...). We really did fall in love with each other's minds first. I think attraction grew because he is actually quite good-looking but looked very very young when we met in our early 20s - he really has improved with age - and also needed to come to feel comfortable with himself a bit. I (personally) am not sure I could get past substantial overweight, though - sorry [shallow]

TimeToMuskUp · 04/04/2016 13:03

I think it can grow in the sense that you take a fleeting look at someone and think 'nah', then spend time with them and suddenly you realise you fancy them. But if you've spent time with someone and that chemistry isn't there, I don't think it can grow from that point on.

DH isn't my type at all, I could have walked past him and never thought twice, but he bought me a drink, made me laugh and boom, the chemistry took care of the rest. Without that, you're just in friendship territory.

Janie143 · 04/04/2016 17:34

I 100% know attraction can grow When I 1st met my DP I did not fancy him in the slightest He was overweight , too short and hairy However he was a wonderfully kind, patient and thoughtful person etc and personalitly wise exactly what I always wanted in a partner We dated for months before anything other than kissees and cuddles happened Then I fell in love and when I look at him now I think he's is gorgeous. He is brilliant in bed too (wink)

My exP was very attractive but an abusive cunt. When I look at him he is ugly

ALaughAMinute · 04/04/2016 18:40

Physical attraction sometimes grows before you've been to bed with someone but if you've already been to bed with him and you still don't fancy him then it's never going to happen.

Lilmisskittykat · 04/04/2016 18:45

Agreeing with most posters here.. If physically your not attracted to them I don't think there's much hope in changing that.

Guess decision is how much that matters to you cause let's face it most the time most couples spend their time dressed

pocketsaviour · 04/04/2016 20:05

I think you should be honest with yourself that this isn't going to work, and let her down gently. "I just don't feel this is the right relationship for me" is probably the safest and kindest type of line to take.

There will be others out there who won't be put off by her saggy bits. Don't be down on yourself for being shallow: we're attracted to the people we're attracted to. We can't talk ourselves into fancying someone because we think it's the right, feminist, all-shapes-all-sizes-celebrating thing to do. We can sit here saying "It's all about the emotional connection" all day long but if your lady boner wilts, then it wilts.

stepawaynow · 04/04/2016 20:15

Quick answer to your question?
No.

If the attraction is not there it will not miraculously happen . Take it from someone who has been there and is now trapped. Please don't

Lalaloopy2016 · 04/04/2016 20:28

If you don't like the excess skin I don't see how you will grow to like it unless a miracle happens.

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WetLettuce123 · 04/04/2016 22:15

I opened up this thread all ready to say "yes", but sadly in your case it's a no.

I didn't fancy my DP when I first met him but I didn't "not fancy" him either. The first time I thought of him in that way and saw him undressed I fancied him rotten and still do.

With this man you like him and you're trying hard but there's no physical attraction there. That isn't going to come just because you want it to. People can have relationships where they aren't sexually attracted to someone. If that's not important to you then fine, if it is I think you have to tell this man (in a kind way) that this isn't going to work. You're not being shallow either, you're just being true to the both of you.

rumred · 04/04/2016 22:31

I know what I have to do but it's sad.

All useful comments.

stepawaynow I hope you are OK

OP posts:

Teaandcakeat8 · 04/04/2016 22:32

I think it can grow from first sight/when you get to know someone and fall for their personality.

Can it grow after a few dates? I say no.

I never really fancy my ex, always hoped it would grow. It didn't, I couldn't bring myself to sleep with him and he left me for someone else.

I don't think this is going to happen for you, sorry.

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