This could be long. I don't even know where to start really.
Been married 6 years, together for 12. I mention this because over the past 3 years, things have been difficult and I've felt particularly unsupported, unloved and at times very lonely. I've tried to talk to DH about this but he has not particularly listened.
I went on a work trip recently and something bad happened, bad enough for me to finally confront the fact that I have a significant drink problem and need to stop once and for all. I went out with a group and got literally staggering drunk. Don't remember leaving the venue, vaguely remember falling over, don't remember getting back to my hotel room. Basically thought what I had was a ONS with one of the men from the group, who I knew slightly and was slightly attracted to. I don't remember much from the first half of the evening and we carried on drinking until dawn. I do remember saying that we weren't going to have sex and I don't believe we did although we did pretty much anything but. At some point, we went back to his hotel room (in a different hotel) and I fell asleep.
Felt absolutely terrible, remorseful and guilty not to mention an appalling hangover. Told the OM that I was going to tell DH - to be honest, there was no way I wasn't going to. It was a bit of a lightbulb moment for my drinking as I realised there was no way I would have done it sober.
Came home and told DH. He knew something had happened anyway. He was obviously extremely angry and upset. As I told him more (and I tried to be honest with the best of my blurry memories and not fudge things or minimise) he's come to the conclusion that I didn't actually give consent as I was too drunk and have in fact been sexually assaulted. He tracked OM down on Facebook and I had to literally beg him on bended knees not to post something to that effect on his wall. He eventually gave in but told me that was the last bargaining chip that I had and I couldn't ask for anything else.
Things have been just awful since, unsurprisingly. I know I deserve to be punished and I'm trying to answer DH's questions as best I could. DH has just sent me an email telling me I have to write out a written statement telling him exactly what happened over that night and day. This is apparently so he can stop asking me questions and so he can appreciate the depths of my drinking problem, 'before he takes it further'.
My trouble is that despite him saying that it's the principled thing to do, he wants to take this further (ie. report to the police) because it's a way of punishing me and the OM. I emphatically do NOT want to report it. Selfishly because I couldn't stand the shame and honestly because I don't know whether it was assault or not and in no time during the day/night I spent with OM did I feel at risk, or threatened or forced into anything.
I realise that due to my behaviour I don't deserve any sympathy but I'm determined not to drink anymore and I could do with DH's support in this (most particularly as he's always been massively critical of my drinking). He can't FORCE me to go to the police, can he? Is he able to just make a report on his own?
It's making me dislike him, very much. He told me, after I told him, that he wasn't going to divorce me and he would rather live in a loveless marriage than have his children with parents living apart. I disagree entirely, not least because I grew up in this type of household.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Cheating, alcoholism and a right proper mess...
Needhelp101 · 04/04/2016 10:02
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