Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I his rebound? Plus some red flags?

(30 Posts)
cluelessinthecity Mon 04-Apr-16 09:02:09

I just need to put my thoughts on paper and hopefully get some advice.

I've been seeing someone for 6 months now who I met on OLD.
At first I couldn't believe my luck he was kind, thoughtful and seemed very keen on me too!
When we first met his work was going through a dry spell so we spent quite a bit of time together possible first red flag was he told me he was falling in love with me after 2 weeks confused. I must admit I was so taken aback I just said "me too" - big mistake I know!
Anyway now his work has hit a really, really busy spell and he now has to work insane hours, which believe me I have every sympathy for him but still I've not seen him at a weekend for about 3 months.

Recently I was reading an old magazine and came across an article "Are you his rebound?" and realised as I was reading I could answer yes to most of the points raised. sad

I'm his first relationship since he split up with his wife over 2 years ago. The split was due to her having an affair.

He said he loved me way to soon and our relationship feels to me like a weird mixture of moving fast yet I still feel on the outside of his life.

When he stays midweek I feel like we have settled into an old married couple routine, although he does make the effort to take me out if he's not too tired.

He makes promises now that he doesn't (can't) keep and gets annoyed when I bring it up.

Although we hardly see each other at weekends, he makes plans to help out other people at a weekend and leaves me on my own to do this.

Recently when I had not seen him in over a week when I did see him he spent the evening telling me how he thought his ex was now regretting the split.

The above are just a few points, I know myself I'm too reliant on him but I find it difficult to make friends, everyone i know seems to already have their own group of friends and I'm not good at pushing myself forward to include myself.
I am going to look into joining a meet- up group in my area to get out a bit more.

Thank you for reading, any thought are welcome although I'm fairly sure the consensus of opinion will be to cut him loose!

Guiltypleasures001 Mon 04-Apr-16 09:14:38

Not a rebound op more a booty call I'm afraidangry

Before you get in deeper and it's harder to get shot of him, pull ya big girl pants
Up and dump his arse.

Your worth more, better to be alone then not even 2nd place thanks

cluelessinthecity Mon 04-Apr-16 09:26:02

I will say I'm definitely NOT a booty call!

He has introduced me to his family and everyone close to him knows me as his girlfriend. That's why i'm so ambiguous as he seems so keen sometimes yet other times I feel on the outside.

Pearl372 Mon 04-Apr-16 09:45:16

Join the meet up groups in the area.
I'm in several groups, it will open up your social circle.
You will meet people from all walks of life.
These groups are a lifesaver for some people.

AnyFucker Mon 04-Apr-16 09:47:38

Is it possible he is back with his wife ?

TheNaze73 Mon 04-Apr-16 09:48:31

There are quite a few red flags for me here. As a male:

We make time, for the people that are important to us. 3 months of no weekend contact at all, doesn't feel right. Although friends/family are important, so are you. Don't accept being an option.

He's only been split for 2 years from his wife. That's no time at all. I ended my marriage yet, it was over 5 years before I was ready for a full on relationship

He's over committing & under delivering. Talk is cheap. Men generally express their love & gratitude through action, not words.

How can someone say they love someone and mean it after 6 months? I'd run a mile, if anyone said that to me.

I don't think he's being fair to you, he's still hurting IMO from being cheated on, him saying he loves you, so soon sounds needy & he may have been angling for you to say it back to reassure him after what happened.

To me, this all sounds too soon for him.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Mon 04-Apr-16 09:50:05

There is something fishy about no weekends for three months.

cluelessinthecity Mon 04-Apr-16 10:08:52

He's not back with his wife as she lives about 200 miles away and he is most definitely working which is the reason why I haven't seen him at weekends, no other reason.
This is why I'm so conflicted he works really, really hard but still tries to make time for me but I'm still left with this feeling of being on the outside.

It could be that it's me that is the problem........

cluelessinthecity Mon 04-Apr-16 10:11:30

TheNaze73 you've nailed exactly what I fear is the problem.

I feel like I'm being slotted into a "wife" role prematurely, but is that just due to his insane work hours??

HandyWoman Mon 04-Apr-16 10:13:43

That feeling that you're on the outside of his life....

Listen to that.

Neither of you sound as though you're in a good place for a good relationship.

You - too dependent on him and accepting 'crumbs'

Him - still caught up in the dynamics of his marriage and not committing emotionally to you (borne out by the no weekend contact)

You don't really know this man at all. He might be back with his ex.

You need to focus on your self esteem so you can be clear about what you want from a relationship.

Because this is not it.

HandyWoman Mon 04-Apr-16 10:17:43

Sounds like you are a nice replacement or stop-gap girlfriend. Parked for when he has time, but not committed to, cared about or prioritised.

This is not enough......

But equally you sound like you are sort of dependent on him because you aren't getting 'out there' in life.

Both of these things are not right and need addressing.

ricketytickety Mon 04-Apr-16 10:18:23

I don't think you are the rebound. I think he's not that nice


He is already getting 'annoyed' with you just 6 months in
He makes promises then breaks them and gets annoyed when you get upset (massive red flag)
He happily comes round during the week to have the company(be looked after by you?) but won't commit to spending time with you at the weekend when essentially he has better things to do
He has mentioned how his ex is still attracted to him - I think you'll hear more of how women find him attractive and he has to fight them off. Designed to make you feel lucky to have him.

It is all very one sided and all these things are designed to make you feel unworthy of him. They're not the sort of things kind, loving men do. Trust your instincts that something isn't right.

Just start making excuses about why he can't come round during the week and he'll hopefully find someone else to make feel insecure. Don't worry about time invested in the relationship - that won't make any difference (people don't chnage)

cluelessinthecity Mon 04-Apr-16 10:20:18

I am aware I have issues that need to be addressed - I find it hard to make friends but I'm going to have to make the effort.

He has been working all the no-contact weekends, I know this for a fact so really I can't be too hard on him for that but, being selfish, it's not what I want in a relationship.

He's also definitely not back with the wife as she is living with a new partner (the OM).

cluelessinthecity Mon 04-Apr-16 10:21:37

HandyWoman - yes to both points.

HandyWoman Mon 04-Apr-16 10:22:21

You said he's been making plans to help other people on the no-contact weekends. So it sounds like he has free time then, just not for you?

TheNaze73 Mon 04-Apr-16 10:25:16

That was my fear HandyWoman To go from Friday evening to Sunday night, without even a morning, afternoon or evening, suggests how low you are on his list of priorities.

cluelessinthecity Mon 04-Apr-16 10:38:35

I think I may have unwittingly mis-lead you, the weekends I don't see him due to work, he does always text/call me.
It's not actually the not seeing him that's the problem; people have to work to pay the bills.

It's the gut feeling that somehow things have gone too fast whilst not really progressing IYSWIM - I'm making no sense I know!

AnyFucker Mon 04-Apr-16 10:50:47

does he work 24 hour shifts ?

TheNaze73 Mon 04-Apr-16 10:54:43

Well said AnyFucker I think you're making excuses for him Clueless After 6 months, even if it was for an hour for a coffee or something he should be doing something. Don't put up with being second best.

AnyFucker Mon 04-Apr-16 10:55:41

if he is making time for other people, he could make it for you

but he isn't

so stop listenign to his empty words and look at his actions

pictish Mon 04-Apr-16 11:02:35

OP some people just have to be with someone. They have to be able to say they have someone. There is a girlfriend/boyfriend slot that must be filled.
There are various reasons those people feel that way. Perhaps it's because of societal pressure...maybe it's because they feel they have something to prove to their ex/other people...maybe it's as simple as feeling 'less' without a romantic interest to bolster their ego.
Those people do tend to solidify their romantic relationships quickly. Box ticked.

Listen to your instinct. It's telling you that it's style over substance here. Imo.

pictish Mon 04-Apr-16 11:09:21

P.s It's not a reflection on you at all. I just think you should put your effort, emotions and time into someone who makes you feel good.
You knew it was dicey back when he said he loved you after two weeks. Now you've given him a fair go and lo - what he says doesn't correspond with what he does.
One life. Better to chalk six months up to experience than lose years. x

cluelessinthecity Mon 04-Apr-16 11:39:45

I fear that yes I may just be filling a gap left by the ex-wife.

He does work very,very hard that's not making excuses for him that is just a fact and when he works it can be 7 days a week 12- 14 hour shifts. Some of the rare weekends he has been free he has split his time between me and visiting his mum to keep her company (she's divorced from his dad but remarried).
I don't begrudge him spending time with his mum but it seems odd that he is concerned she is lonely when she has a husband yet he knows I'm on my own - is that too needy of me??

TheNaze73 Mon 04-Apr-16 12:06:07

Needy is a small word with big and sometimes negative connotations. I think there is a fine line but, you're human. We're all different. What is claustrophobic to some, would be perfect for others etc. Some people would love his laid back approach however, for you to post it must be bothering you. The problem here, isn't you

EpoxyResin Mon 04-Apr-16 16:37:21

OP, you need only have said he told me he was falling in love with me after 2 weeks, and I and you knew it was a rebound.

Whether it really, really is his job or your "neediness" or whatever causing problems here, don't settle for now what you would not be happy with in the long run.

Perhaps he is not the man, or perhaps this is not the time, but either way this is not the relationship for you right now. Get out before you get hurt.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now